Stranger in a Strange Land

[okcnative]

I have a question that maybe someone can answer: What can be done?

Please read the following and let me know if you have any answers:

Years ago, I met a woman from eastern Europe who married a man she met from Oklahoma. Once she moved back to Oklahoma with him, she was unable to work because she is not literate enough in English to pass a driver’s license test or to get work here. To resume her former career, she would have to be licensed in Oklahoma and again, she is not able to speak the language well. Since coming here --- and it’s been some years --- he has total control of all the money, doesn’t allow her to drive, and doesn’t allow her meet people (and if she does, he stops the friendship immediately.) He will not pay for her to see a doctor when she is ill, but he has plenty of money --- a great deal which he tithes to his church. They do not have physical relations, which has confirmed my initial idea that he brought her here so he could appear “normal and happy” at his church --- which she is not allowed to attend. When I gave her language tapes to help her learn the language, they “disappeared.” She can only talk on the phone when he is out of the house at work and even then, with her difficulties with English, it is difficult to communicate well with her.There has been a couple of incidents of slight physical violence, but nothing compared to the fact that he keeps her trapped and won’t allow her any freedoms that might allow her to thrive in the United States. As is the case with many abused women, she is scared to do anything about this. She is afraid that she will end up penniless and on the streets without anyway to live if she tries to find help.

What she really wants is to become integrated into Oklahoma life, be able to learn English and get a job so she can move out on her own one day. So what can be done to help her and where might she turn that would allow her to begin learning English for free and training for a job for free? Are there social programs that can help her? She doesn’t even get money to go to the doctor when she’s sick or to take a bus to the store. So basically, I don’t know where to direct her for help. I don't know exactly where she lives in north OKC, although she called me just today and gave me the latest update on her situation.

Thanks for any ideas or suggestions you might have that I can pass on to her.

[dirtrider73068]

If its that bad and she is unhappy she needs to find a way to leave him, find somebody that will take her in and help her learn english and get her around more, so when she is ready she can go out on her own. If he doesn't let her do anything, and won't have relations with her what is the point he has her there, other than keep her tied to the house to do house work, he is a control freak, if there has been physical violence thats abuse, period. Guys liek that make me sick, think they can control a woman how he wants is wrong, ruins it for the best of us. He not deserves to have a woman if he can't treat her with respect. If I couls I would try to communicate to her the best I could try to explain to her that if she leaves she can have it better and see if she can get a place with somebody to help her out. In my mind what he is doing is wrong, and disrespectful to her.

[Karried]

First thing I would advise is to have her start stockpiling (secretly) some money. She needs to get educated on the language.

It's a sad situation... look through some of these sites and see if anything might be helpful.

The first one is on immigration abuse... hope it helps.



http://womenshealth.gov/violence/groups/immigrant.cfm

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) - Break the silence, make the call.

Home - Oklahoma City

www.snbw.org

Oklahoma Women's Network Blog

Oklahoma Women's Network

The Women’s Resource Center, Inc

Violence Against Women - State Domestic Violence Resources

[Karried]

1. Access to HHS Funded Services for Immigrant Survivors of Domestic Violence - This fact sheet is intended to provide guidance to health and social service agencies and community-based organizations about eligibility for the various programs and services funded by Department of Health and Human Services (HHS).
   Guidance on Inquiries to Immigration & Citizenship Status
   
2. How Do I Apply for Immigration Benefits as a Battered Spouse or Child? - This publication, from the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, outlines the steps that a battered victim can take in applying for immigration benefits. It outlines who is elegible, the process for applying, and frequently asked questions regarding immigrant rights in the United States.
   Page Request Not Found
   
3. Basic Questions & Answers for Non-citizen Survivors of Domestic Violence (Copyright @ WomensLaw.org) - This publication is a question and answer sheet for non-citizen survivors of domestic violence. It gives answers to questions regarding places to go for help, implications of being an immigrant victim, victim's rights, and various other topics.
   WomensLaw.org - Immigration Basic Questions
   
4. Battered Immigrant Women Toolbox (Copyright © FVPF) - This toolkit provides publications to help prevent domestic violence among immigrant women. Whether you are a friend, neighbor, co-worker or advocate, you can be a vital link in the movement to end abuse by providing the appropriate information and resources for an immigrant woman in need.
   Immigrant Women Toolbox
   

Organizations

1. U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, INS, DHS
2. Family Violence Prevention Fund
3. National Crime Prevention Council
4. National Network to End Violence Against Immigrant Women
5. Women's Justice Center

[jbrown84]

Seems odd that he would want her to appear "normal and happy" at church, yet he doesn't take her to church. I think most people would look down on the fact that the wife didn't come with him.


BTW, I am not in any way doubting your/her story, it just seems strange.

[drumsncode]

Seems odd that he would want her to appear "normal and happy" at church, yet he doesn't take her to church. I think most people would look down on the fact that the wife didn't come with him.


BTW, I am not in any way doubting your/her story, it just seems strange.

The whole situation is truly dysfunctional, but with all the crap I've seen on daytime talkshow TV, I can't say I'm surprised. It's almost as if this guy wanted a trophy wife but is afraid to display the trophy. It makes no real sense, except that I know this guy should not be mistreating this woman.

[SoonerDave]

Seems odd that he would want her to appear "normal and happy" at church, yet he doesn't take her to church. I think most people would look down on the fact that the wife didn't come with him.


BTW, I am not in any way doubting your/her story, it just seems strange.

Ditto, jbrown....ditto.

Anyone that is active in their local church - particularly in this part of the country - and is known to be married, but the spouse is *never* seen at church - would be instantly conspicuous to me, unless there were some known differences in faith, I suppose. If they, as a couple, have joined a church, surely someone from that church would have paid them a visit and made some sort of initial contact. That is, I'd have to believe someone at their church has a clue that something odd/oppressive is going on here. And why on earth someone who is scared to death to try and make friends would share something as personal about "not having physical relations" is beyond me. I mean, if I'm being oppressed, and find a "confidant" in which to respose some trust, that hardly seems like the first piece of info I'd volunteer.

As jbrown said, not to doubt the story at all, but that part of it is just really, really curious to me.

If there is a real belief about this person being oppressed or physically harmed, short of calling the authorities, about the best thing I could suggest is a visit to the pastor of that church and advise them of your concerns. A pastor might be able to make a casual visit to the house and make observations and identify some resources that could help the lady out in some way.

Tough, tough situation...

-soonerdave

[Jan Peery]

First, the writer did not say he would want HER to appear normal and happy. He/she said so HE would appear normal and happy. It would be very appropriate for his congregation to think that she attended a church of her own faith - not his. That is very common - even in Oklahoma!

From the description in the original article, this woman is a victim of domestic violence (DV) - which is about "power and control" - whether emotionally or physically - in this case it appears there has been both. The details fit extremely well with the pattern in DV. And, think how much easier it is to control someone who can't even communicate well with others because of language barrier!

My suggestion is that she contact a certified domestic violence agency - they can get her the help she needs - in a variety of ways. There is a statewide safeline (800) 522-7233 that can assist her in contacting an agency across the state. Or a local resource is the YWCA OKC - Hotline # (405) 917-9922.

Make no mistake - if there has been the control, mental abuse, and physical abuse described, it will continue and escalate, especially if she tries to get out- - and she needs help. It takes great courage for a victim to reach out for help. Yet, when they do, people most often tend to minimize and dismiss them and their story.

Until you understand the dynamics of domestic violence, please don't dismiss this woman. Instead, use this as an opportunity to learn more about this crime that affects our community. Oklahoma is 7th in the nation for women killed by men. And, according to statistics, at least 62% of the children in the homes with domestic violence are also physically abused. If we want to impact child abuse in our state, we must also meet head-on the crime of domestic violence.

There is continued and mushrooming impact on our community, from the effect on children to the economic costs. Children in these homes are more likely to become sexually active at an early age (if my statistics are still up-to date, we are 12th in the nation for teen pregnancy), more likely to use drugs and alcohol (we have 20% higher substance abuse among teens than the nation's average) and more likely to become violent and aggressive as young teens (we have double the nation's dating and teen violence). There is a direct correlation to our ranking in domestic violence.

I don't have local or state numbers, but nationally we lose over 700 million workdays per year due to domestic violence and sexual assault - to a cost of approximately $80 million. That doesn't include the added cost of over $4 billion in medical and mental health costs due to the physical and mental trauma. The economic list goes on ......

Ultimately, while most people want to dismiss this crime as something that does not affect their life, (it doesn't happen to people like me!) - it does! It crosses every socio-economic, educational, ethnic/cultural boundary. One in four women will be a victim of domestic violence or sexual assault. Most will not tell - not ask for help. They don't love the abuse, but have systemically had their self-esteem ERASED and been CONVINCED the abuse is their fault. ("If I only did this better - or was more perfect, then I wouldn't have to be beaten.") They are ashamed of the abuse - and afraid to seek help - or don't know where/how to get help.

Please take time to learn more about domestic violence and how you can help in your community. Also, please learn where victims can get help in your area. The chances are that at some point - someone YOU know will need them.

[Karried]

Good points regarding DV.

Here is a site for financial aid for OCCC - I'm sure there are English as a Second Langage courses.

Student Financial Aid Center

Let us know how it goes.. does she have internet access?

[jbrown84]

First, the writer did not say he would want HER to appear normal and happy. He/she said so HE would appear normal and happy. It would be very appropriate for his congregation to think that she attended a church of her own faith - not his. That is very common - even in Oklahoma!

Most churchgoers would look down on him for being "unequally yoked". I know at my church people would sure wonder if a married man was attending and his wife never joined him. It's not a judgemental thing as much as just wondering and being concerned.