Question

[Charlie40]

Does a 15 year old have the right to tell you to get out of there room if you are going in there to let an animal out? Last I knew it was me that owned the house not them am I wrong in my thinking on this?

[Achilleslastand]

No
No question about it.

[BBatesokc]

My house rules: Unless you pay the bills and/or otherwise contribute to the household in a meaningful way - you are simply a temporary guest in my home. How temporary? Exert rights you perceive but don't actually have and you'll quickly find out how temporary your guest status is.

Same rules my parents placed on me. So, me and my big britches moved out as a teen (and sorely regretted it). Same thing happened with our teen. He now admits and tells his friends - "stay at home as long as you can, the real world is a b*&ch!"

[JohnnyW]

Sounds like a very nice and loving home you guys have there. Hope your kids will show you much more love and kindness when they get older.

[kelroy55]

I would think some of it depends on how you entered the room. If you just walked in without knocking I can understand them saying that but if you knocked first then they were out of line. I raised a couple girls and I always got the evil eye when I went into their room. I did knock and say it was time to let the dog out but for the most part I think that's somewhat normal for a teen that age, especially if it's a girl. This is not saying I wouldn't check the room out later to see if anything was going on

[BBatesokc]

Sounds like a very nice and loving home you guys have there. Hope your kids will show you much more love and kindness when they get older.

Actually, its the deep appreciation of those very rules that I was raised under that gave me full confidence to raise our son under those same rules. And, as pointed out, at 23 he now very much appreciates how he was raised and expresses often he wishes he would have followed the rules that were plainly and consistently made known to him. I imagine he will instill the same in his household one day.

[MadMonk]

Sounds like a very nice and loving home you guys have there. Hope your kids will show you much more love and kindness when they get older.

Sounds like you are the 15 year old in this scenario.

[JohnnyW]

I hope that advancements in intelligence, technology and communication will soon triumph over tradition of old. Just like corporal punishment, just because it works does not mean it is the best way to do things.

[JohnnyW]

Sounds like you are the 15 year old in this scenario.

Negative. I just know that I would rather have a more loving and caring parents that were open and honest with me. It would make me much more willing to come home and see them and show them love when I got older and wiser.

[JohnnyW]

Actually, its the deep appreciation of those very rules that I was raised under that gave me full confidence to raise our son under those same rules. And, as pointed out, at 23 he now very much appreciates how he was raised and expresses often he wishes he would have followed the rules that were plainly and consistently made known to him. I imagine he will instill the same in his household one day.

I would not be surprised if there are times he looks back and wishes his parents would of been just a bit more approachable and nicer. He wouldn't admit it or maybe he doesn't ever think it, but just maybe it is possible.

[RadicalModerate]

I hope that advancements in intelligence, technology and communication will soon triumph over tradition of old. Just like corporal punishment, just because it works does not mean it is the best way to do things.

There's a "Catch 22" or paradox in your statement: Technological advancements seem to be causing decreases in both intelligence and actual communication on a personal level.

[JohnnyW]

There's a "Catch 22" or paradox in your statement: Technological advancements seem to be causing decreases in both intelligence and actual communication on a personal level.

So you are saying people in the 1920s were as well informed of the politics, weather, family and friends doings? And they were also more in contact and in communication with everyone they knew even if they lived a 1000 miles away?

[MadMonk]

Negative. I just know that I would rather have a more loving and caring parents that were open and honest with me. It would make me much more willing to come home and see them and show them love when I got older and wiser.

What is un-open and dishonest about making it clear that the child does not make the rules in the home? It really seems like you are reading something more into this and are being awfully judgmental.

Do you think a 15 year old has the right to demand that their parent leaves their room in the original scenario?

[BBatesokc]

Negative. I just know that I would rather have a more loving and caring parents that were open and honest with me. It would make me much more willing to come home and see them and show them love when I got older and wiser.

I firmly believe that one of the most loving, caring and stress free homes you can create is the one where not only are the rules very clear but they are consistently enforced. Rules that are no more difficult to grasp than being honest, being respectful and doing your best.

JohnnyW you know absolutely nothing of our rules or our household or our family dynamics - but you have zero problem making assumptions out of whole cloth.

[Charlie40]

He put the cat in his room and shut his door as he was coming out of his room and I got up and opened it to let the cat out so that it wouldn't claw at the carpet around the door tearing it up. I then walked in to his room looking for the cat that is when he came up behind me telling me to get out of his room.

[gjl]

Sounds like you have already somewhat lost control of your child.

[kelroy55]

He put the cat in his room and shut his door as he was coming out of his room and I got up and opened it to let the cat out so that it wouldn't claw at the carpet around the door tearing it up. I then walked in to his room looking for the cat that is when he came up behind me telling me to get out of his room.

Now there is more info I would have said when you pay rent it's your room, until then it's mine.

[Charlie40]

Now there is more info I would have said when you pay rent it's your room, until then it's mine.

Couldn't have said that because that would have sent him on a tirade. that would have escalated more than it was worth. I just walked off talking under my breath, he frequently tell both his mom and me step dad to shut up and stuff like that.

[gjl]

I retract the somewhat. I went through something similar with a step kid 20 years ago. Today you can see her picture on the DOC web site.

[kevinpate]

I am Poppa. It is my job to provide for you, love you, and,
within reason, to permit you to make your own mistakes.

I will be there afterwards to help you sort it out. You can
and will gain both wisdom and experience from your choices,
bad ones and good ones alike.

If you are ever in danger, I am your savior first, but I am
Poppa once the dust settles.

I will always rescue you from danger, even if it is of your
own creation. Afterwards, there will be discussion.

There will be reasonable, in my eyes, consequences
as a result of bad decisions. But first and foremost,
you and if need be your friends, will be provided safe
passage, no matter the hour, no matter the circumstances.

There is no situation where you can not call on me to make
you safe.

In the event you do not agree with my decisions, your
disagreement will be noted, but my decision will prevail.

I love you. I adore you. But, I am Poppa.
I am not your best bud.
I am not your partner in crime or mayhem or plain old dumb and/or
dangerous behavior.
I am Poppa.


For better or worse, this is how Pops raised my brothers and I.
It is by and large how our three children have been brought up.

[kelroy55]

Couldn't have said that because that would have sent him on a tirade. that would have escalated more than it was worth. I just walked off talking under my breath, he frequently tell both his mom and me step dad to shut up and stuff like that.

I remember as a teen back talking my step mother once. The key word is once. Never knew my dad could move that fast and I never did it again.

[Teo9969]

Sounds like you have already somewhat lost control of your child.

Wow…a guy says one thing on the internet and all of the sudden he's lost control of his kids?

I imagine this is a relatively new occurrence for this guy as he was taken aback by it enough that he asked the question online. If this were a normal occurrence, he'd probably not ask if it were okay.

To be sure, at 15 years-old, I'd think there is some autonomy expected and I think granting them initial-privacy as a parent should be part of the package, but of course you have an obligation to yourself and to the child to also help them understand what privacy entails. Just because it's primarily your space first, does not mean it's inaccessible to all other people, especially where others in the space are involved. In this case, there was a cat in the room…and the cat needed to get out, which is plenty of reason for you to go into his room.

If you just barged into his room at 15 without knocking or having a good reason to enter, then yes, I'd think he'd be warranted in *asking* you to get out "Dad, would you please not come into my room without asking?". Demanding...not so much...

[gjl]

Wow…a guy says one thing on the internet and all of the sudden he's lost control of his kids?

I imagine this is a relatively new occurrence for this guy as he was taken aback by it enough that he asked the question online. If this were a normal occurrence, he'd probably not ask if it were okay.

To be sure, at 15 years-old, I'd think there is some autonomy expected and I think granting them initial-privacy as a parent should be part of the package, but of course you have an obligation to yourself and to the child to also help them understand what privacy entails. Just because it's primarily your space first, does not mean it's inaccessible to all other people, especially where others in the space are involved. In this case, there was a cat in the room…and the cat needed to get out, which is plenty of reason for you to go into his room.

If you just barged into his room at 15 without knocking or having a good reason to enter, then yes, I'd think he'd be warranted in *asking* you to get out "Dad, would you please not come into my room without asking?". Demanding...not so much...

I guess you skipped right by #18.

[Just the facts]

I guess it starts early but my kids have never had any reasonable expectation of privacy. It doesn't matter if it is their sock drawer, the top rack in the closet, or their YouTube browsing history - it is all open for inspection. One thing I learned the hard way is allowing a family member to operate outside the watchful eye of other family members is the surest way for activities to take place that you don't want taking place.

[MadMonk]

I am Poppa. It is my job to provide for you, love you, and,
within reason, to permit you to make your own mistakes.

I will be there afterwards to help you sort it out. You can
and will gain both wisdom and experience from your choices,
bad ones and good ones alike.

If you are ever in danger, I am your savior first, but I am
Poppa once the dust settles.

I will always rescue you from danger, even if it is of your
own creation. Afterwards, there will be discussion.

There will be reasonable, in my eyes, consequences
as a result of bad decisions. But first and foremost,
you and if need be your friends, will be provided safe
passage, no matter the hour, no matter the circumstances.

There is no situation where you can not call on me to make
you safe.

In the event you do not agree with my decisions, your
disagreement will be noted, but my decision will prevail.

I love you. I adore you. But, I am Poppa.
I am not your best bud.
I am not your partner in crime or mayhem or plain old dumb and/or
dangerous behavior.
I am Poppa.


For better or worse, this is how Pops raised my brothers and I.
It is by and large how our three children have been brought up.

I'm making a sign out of that and hanging it on the kid's door.