Mending a broken heart...

[Underling]

So, OKC Singletons, here's a question for you:

What do you do to get over the pain of being dumped?

Any sure fire cures you have secretly tucked away?

Got the "Let's just be friends" speech two weeks ago after nearly four months. No warnings, no red flags, just dumped on a Friday night.

Still quite pained about it.

So, what do you do to mend a broken heart?

[Karried]

You dwell on all of the negatives about this person, write them down and focus on the things that drove you crazy... realize that it takes time, realize that you need your friends and family right now, remember that all of us have gone through this many times and have gone on to be in relationships that are better and healthier than ever before. It is a learning experience... you are not dumped. It just wasn't the fit that worked at the time. There will be a time when it all comes together.... there are so many people that are wanting a relationship. Give yourself some time to grieve and get over this and then get out there and find someone that loves you very much. You will - believe it.

[elleisonplanb]

Okay...4 months...you definitely need to be heading to the “anger”/their loss stage! Time to be out of the dwelling on the what I’ve lost/good stuff/the places you went together/songs that remind you of him/her stage...heck, somewhere in there just about everything can remind you of him/her. So on to the chocolate stage, the depressing movies and song stage, and into the release/acceptance/moving on/life is wonderful and full of possibilities stage. For extreme cases, I recommend a book called, aptly enough, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I think you have to decide, though, that you’re ready to stop grieving the end of the relationship; if you’re truly ready to end the wallowing, then slowly but surely you will. It can be one of those things you’ll just never understand, why it ended, and devoting any more energy/time to it is wasting time/energy you could be devoting to other things–like yourself, friends, family, etc...Oh, and no matter what, resist the urge to call him/her “just to say hi”after some night spent out with friends trying to cheer you up...you’ll always regret that in the morning....I speak from experience!

[Underling]

I'm trying to get past the whole thing. It's just that he was really wonderful and sweet about the whole thing, and was very genuine in wanting to remain friends.

Consequently, he's still around. He keeps calling to check on me. And even when I don't answer the phone...knowing he called just rips it all back open again.

[elleisonplanb]

Well, I should stop with the advice giving then, because the staying friends after breaking up thing has never worked for me. I've tried it. I know some people can do it, but it was always too painful for me. That, or I tried it thinking he might change his mind later when he was reminded on a regular basis how great I am...For me, I just can't get over someone if he is still in my life...I'm all for clean breaks.

[Jay]

The first step you have to take is to accept the fact that the relationship is over. In away you have to treat a break up like a death. Do whatever you have to do to bring closure to your life. Throw out everything that can be thrown out that was tied to the relationship. If you cannot throw it out, hide it from plain site. Find some new hang outs and avoid the places that will re-charge memories.



Then take the time to grieve the loss. While and after you have grieved, get active. Take up a new hobby. Hang out with friends. Spend some quality time with your family. Do all the things you have never had time for in the past. The main thing you have to do is pass the time. As they say, time heals all wounds. The next thing you will know is you are over the relationship. Just do not go running to someone else’s arms until you are over the relationship. That can cause you to hurt yourself again or hurt someone else.



I would not recommend maintaining contact with your ex at least for six months or so. You need time to start a new beginning. You can explain to him that you need time and space to move on with your life. If he is any kind of a friend, he will understand and not ask any questions.



You should also understand that the decision to break up is not one many take lightly. Any person of normal intelligence understands that a break up is just like sucker punching someone. You only do it when it is necessary. It is not like deciding that you will have tea instead of soda with your meal. If he does break it off do not go back because more than likely he will do it again.

[Karried]

As usual, I agree 100% with okla 75... one smart cookie ...

You do need to grieve like the above posters mentioned - grieve, cry and feel sad and then move on to the next stage - acceptance and moving on.. it is really healthy to go through the grief process steps.

I also think you need to sever all ties temporarily - you could always lie like Pinocchio and tell him you are seeing someone else and it bothers your new love to hear his voice on the answering machine- ( just kidding, although tempting I'll bet)

Seriously, they say it takes less than half the time you were seeing someone to recover, so you are almost there - before you know it you will be fine.

[Jay]

I will admit my knowledge of relationships has not come easy. I just like the other people on here went through my sessions of doom and gloom. I actually should be in that state of mind considering I have been single for almost six years now. I have gone on a few dates since my last relationship but nothing has panned out.

My last relationship shattered my world. Until one day, it hit me like a Mack truck. I said to myself I can continue to wallow in self-pity or I can change my world. I took on a second job, made some new friends and started an exercise routine. The next thing I new I was over her and I realized I never was really in love with her. I loved her for the fact that she was there to fill the void of being single.

From that day on, I had a new attitude towards relationships. I decided I would not be in a relationship until I could truly say I loved this person and fully trusted them. (This was something I never did in the past.) I would walk blindly into a relationship and just jump in headfirst and face whatever situation that lied ahead.

I have also made my fare share of dating mistakes in my time. I never had a problem getting a date. My problem was that I was a one-date wonder. I used to have the attitude of this was my one chance to prove myself to this person. I would either say or do something without thinking about it first. In a roundabout way, I made a complete ass of myself and ran off potential girlfriends.

I now approach dating differently I go to have a good time and I carry the thought.” What is she doing to try to impress me?” Most men have to realize that you cannot give the impression of you are committed to her from date one. You have to make her put in just as much effort to win you over as you are for her.


I think the most important thing a single person should remember is this. You do not have to be seeing someone to be happy. You need to find happiness with in your own life before you seek it with someone else. A relationship should be viewed as a luxury and not as a lifeline.

Regardless of what happens in your love life. The sun will rise tomorrow and the new day will bring many exciting events. So get out there live a little.

[pdjr]

Ice cream and cable TV works. Surround yourself with your friends. It takes a while for the blues to pass.

[Underling]

Oh, I've spent the better part of the last two weeks in front of the TV.

At least I'm past the sleepless nights and no appetite stage. But that first week was a killer.

Right now the problem is that everything in site and mind reminds me of something we did together, or an afternoon we spent together. And I just sort of sit here with a little dull ache of pain in my stomach...wanting to cry, but can't seem to make that happen.

I tried getting angry about it, but that just makes me feel worse.

I know it'll go away in time, but it sure sucks dealing with it in the meantime.

[Jay]

Is there anything you have been dying to accomplish? You can use that depressed energy and turn it into ambition to get something done.

Do you have friends or family members you can spend time with? Spending the day with friends, parents or grandparents may sound cheesy but, it will take your mind off things.

You have spare time why not put it to good use.

[Underling]

Here's my plan.

Starting tomorrow, I"m going back to my daily routine at the gym when I get off work.

I will come home from the gym and cook dinner. No fast food, and no microwave food. I have to cook.

After dinner is done and cleanup is complete, I can go for a drive (something I've been doing most evenings since I bought my new car).

I'll come home and spend the evening writing. I will chain myself to my laptop and force myself if I must.

And all the time I will be listening to Jack Johnson and Ben Folds.

I'm GOING to get my mind off of it.

[Jay]

That sounds like a good start to me. Good luck to you.

[Underling]

Time seems to have been the best medicine for me this time.

I gave it a couple of more weeks, and then suddenly, last Monday, this fog just sort of lifted and I was normal again.

Even managed to meet someone new and had an incredible date this past weekend.

I guess you just have to move on as best you can and let time do the rest.

[dirtrider73068]

Best thing I have found to forget the bad past relatioships is to keep busy keep your mind busy. Doing puzzles or models, anything like think that makes you think haard on what you doing helps. With me to help with the pain of my wife cheating and it being a year it happend, I have to go to work and my job to stop thinking bout it. Sounds funny I know but my mind is so busy with what I am doing in my job I actually don't have time to think, and it frees my mind. Thats when my best ideas of things or projects to do will come to mind. Getting another date and things to do is a start, just wish I could do the same or at least meet someone to have as a friend to as least have a friendly dinner or outing and do that as that friends, but no luck. I know she is out there but just finding it. Oh and from experince dwelling on the depression makes worse alot worse I know, I suffer depression bad, had bad severe case, was better now haveng a relaspe amd trying to fight it off, but getting better

[Underling]

I'm glad you're getting better, but if it does get worse, I hope you'll find someone to talk to about it.

I've been in deep depressions myself in the past. And I've never come out of it on my own steam. I've always needed someone else there to shine the light in my face.