Should there be a hiatus after a break up?

[Jay]

I know the topics have mainly been about seeking someone and starting a new relationship. I was thinking the other day. What about the break up? I know the end of love is hard on many people. Sometimes it can be the equivalent to a death of a loved one.

I have a solution to coping with break-ups. I think that a couple should sever all contact with their ex for at least a month to six months. In essence, the person on the receiving end of the break up would have time to heal their heart and move on.

The only downside to this concept is. It cannot happen if this person has to exist in a person’s everyday life. Meaning they are a co-worker or have some kind role that prevents them from being completely absent from the other person.


My question to you is; does my concept make sense? On the other hand, do you think there is a better method for dealing with a break up?

[Midtowner]

Lots of questions/comments about dating coworkers

My answer is that each person deals with this in a different way. A professor of mine wrote a really interesting paper about the way that people end relationships. I wish I could remember a damned thing about it...

She made us read it because she was quite proud of her work.

[Karried]

I agree totally with cutting off all exposure and communication - time does heal and you have to take the time to grieve and then you can move on.... seeing the one you love and asking about them etc is like rubbing salt in old wounds.

There is a great book that helped me after a 5 year relationship - I think it's called Letting Go but it was so invaluable - talks about behaviour modification and ways to cope and get over your broken heart.

[Faith]

I agree... stopping all communication for a long period of time would get you through a break up. However, if you have children together that is impossible to do. That is my situation exactly. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how there is no one else in the world like me. And he tells me over and over how he wants a future with me and his children again. The fact is he cheated on me 1 week after we had our second child (4 months ago) and he did it once before 2 years ago as well. We have lived seperately every since. I don't believe I could ever trust him again. I would want to because I believe that he loves me that much and I still love him to depsite what has happened. He blames his actions on alcohol or his childhood. It is hard for me not to feel sorry for him when he cries to me. But I also remember how badly I was hurt for several weeks and still today and he wasn't here to comfort me.... I just don't know what to do........ I think I just need to pray to God everyday and let him lead me...... I just tell him that I can't put my entire heart, hopes, and emotions in to a relationship with him when he has hurt me so bad in the past............. Its also extremely hard for me to let go because we have been together for 7 years now. This is the only relationship I have ever been in, and its hard to ever think that I could love someone else again. Blah.. Blah.. Blah.. sorry... I think I need to go to bed now!

[Curt]

I wish I could let go, that would be the best thing, but my heart wont let me do that just yet. Maybe a vacation to Playa Del Carmen.

[Faith]

Maybe thats the same with me my heart won't let me, or maybe I am just confused. Yeah I get to go to Cozumel soon. I am so excited!

[Curt]

Maybe thats the same with me my heart won't let me, or maybe I am just confused. Yeah I get to go to Cozumel soon. I am so excited!

Lucky you, are you going to take the boat over to Playcar?

[Faith]

I'm not sure what the plan is yet. It is for my sisters bachelorette party. Is it nice there?

[Curt]

I'm not sure what the plan is yet. It is for my sisters bachelorette party. Is it nice there?

Very nice there, I'll post a picture of the hotel I stayed in if you want. It is a tourist trap though, but something worth seeing.

[Curt]

Wont let me post it, sorry, bmp. image. It is the hotel right at the dock for the boat from Cozumel, The Continental Plaza Playcar

[Faith]

Yeah it looks like a beautiful place from your pic.

[Curt]

Yeah it looks like a beautiful place from your pic.

It is, that was taken in front of my hotel. I need to go back, hell, I went alone and had a good time.

[Intrepid]

While the circumstances in my situation are a bit different, the point about children holds true.

My wife and I just recently separated after 8 yrs of marriage. It's been extremely difficult on me because while I knew there were problems (financial, lack of communication), I never expected that we'd separate, and furthermore never expected to be told that she wasn't in-love with me anymore.

Anyway, I've been told that the best thing to do is just give space and not make any more contact than is necessary. Easier said than done. =( I'm in counseling, on medication for depression and all I want to do is talk to her. But, the more I call, the more distant I think she is becoming. In my more lucid moments, I realize what I need to do. It's just those lonely times that are so hard. We've been together for so long, and now it's gone.

On another note, someone posted something about a book called "Letting Go". Well, I found it on Amazon for $7.99

I attempted to find it listed on my local library's web site (Moore Public Library), but they do not carry it.

I agree... stopping all communication for a long period of time would get you through a break up. However, if you have children together that is impossible to do. That is my situation exactly. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how there is no one else in the world like me. And he tells me over and over how he wants a future with me and his children again. The fact is he cheated on me 1 week after we had our second child (4 months ago) and he did it once before 2 years ago as well. We have lived seperately every since. I don't believe I could ever trust him again. I would want to because I believe that he loves me that much and I still love him to depsite what has happened. He blames his actions on alcohol or his childhood. It is hard for me not to feel sorry for him when he cries to me. But I also remember how badly I was hurt for several weeks and still today and he wasn't here to comfort me.... I just don't know what to do........ I think I just need to pray to God everyday and let him lead me...... I just tell him that I can't put my entire heart, hopes, and emotions in to a relationship with him when he has hurt me so bad in the past............. Its also extremely hard for me to let go because we have been together for 7 years now. This is the only relationship I have ever been in, and its hard to ever think that I could love someone else again. Blah.. Blah.. Blah.. sorry... I think I need to go to bed now!

[Karried]

Here is a link to bid on this book on ebay - I've found it as low as .25 up to .99
with a few bucks for shipping. It's an older book but it is a really good read.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll...sPageName=WDVW

Good luck,

[Faith]

While the circumstances in my situation are a bit different, the point about children holds true.

My wife and I just recently separated after 8 yrs of marriage. It's been extremely difficult on me because while I knew there were problems (financial, lack of communication), I never expected that we'd separate, and furthermore never expected to be told that she wasn't in-love with me anymore.

Anyway, I've been told that the best thing to do is just give space and not make any more contact than is necessary. Easier said than done. =( I'm in counseling, on medication for depression and all I want to do is talk to her. But, the more I call, the more distant I think she is becoming. In my more lucid moments, I realize what I need to do. It's just those lonely times that are so hard. We've been together for so long, and now it's gone.

On another note, someone posted something about a book called "Letting Go". Well, I found it on Amazon for $7.99

I attempted to find it listed on my local library's web site (Moore Public Library), but they do not carry it.

Intrepid.. my advice to you is to communicate with her as less as possible. Sounds like she is the one who decided to break the marriage apart. I believe even if there are problems in a marriage that people should try every avenue possible to build it back up the way you felt when you first married, before taking the easy way out. Its easy to walk out on a marriage when you are selfish but it takes special people to work through their problems and to make it work. If you decrease your communication with her I believe it will do one of two things. Help you to cope with what you are going through better. It will also show her you can and will make it without her. If she has any intention of coming back it will possibly wake her up, if she doesn't come around then you deserve better than that. Try focus on doing things for yourself and your children. The happiness and love I get from my children is beyond wonderful.

[Intrepid]

Intrepid.. my advice to you is to communicate with her as less as possible. Sounds like she is the one who decided to break the marriage apart. I believe even if there are problems in a marriage that people should try every avenue possible to build it back up the way you felt when you first married, before taking the easy way out. Its easy to walk out on a marriage when you are selfish but it takes special people to work through their problems and to make it work. If you decrease your communication with her I believe it will do one of two things. Help you to cope with what you are going through better. It will also show her you can and will make it without her. If she has any intention of coming back it will possibly wake her up, if she doesn't come around then you deserve better than that. Try focus on doing things for yourself and your children. The happiness and love I get from my children is beyond wonderful.

Yeah, I know. This is what everyone has been telling me...including her. I'm just upset that this is actually happening and that I might have lost my one true love. She was my one and only and I've always known that we'd be together. We started out as best friends for 3-4 years before getting together. To hear her say that she's not in love with me is absolutely devasting to me. I can't bear to think of life without her. She's not a bad person by any means. She's funny, bright, and good mother. I think deep down she's confused about a lot of things and I know that I should give her the space she has requested. It's just so damn hard. =(

[Jay]

One thing I think is crazy is the number of people that are in good relationships but they have the attitude that the grass could be greener with someone else.


Truth be known the same issues and pet peeves exist with this new person. Sure, we can always find a better catch but, that does not mean they are better for us. For most of us, it is too late when we finally realize that what we had in the first place was the best thing we ever had.

[Intrepid]

One thing I think is crazy is the number of people that are in good relationships but they have the attitude that the grass could be greener with someone else.


Truth be known the same issues and pet peeves exist with this new person. Sure, we can always find a better catch but, that does not mean they are better for us. For most of us, it is too late when we finally realize that what we had in the first place was the best thing we ever had.

From what I've been told, it's not even her wanting to be with someone else. She just flat out doesn't want to be with anyone.

Either way...it absolutely sucks. This is going to take a lot longer to get used to/over than I thought.

=(

[Leon]

Yeah, I know. This is what everyone has been telling me...including her. I'm just upset that this is actually happening and that I might have lost my one true love. She was my one and only and I've always known that we'd be together. We started out as best friends for 3-4 years before getting together. To hear her say that she's not in love with me is absolutely devasting to me. I can't bear to think of life without her. She's not a bad person by any means. She's funny, bright, and good mother. I think deep down she's confused about a lot of things and I know that I should give her the space she has requested. It's just so damn hard. =(

See my thread "Women and LOVE". I know what you're going through. I wish I could say something more to help, sounds like you're hurting as much as I was. It's impossible to take your mind off it, the best you can do is just keep yourself as busy as possible with whatever you can find that requires the most concentration.

[Intrepid]

See my thread "Women and LOVE". I know what you're going through. I wish I could say something more to help, sounds like you're hurting as much as I was. It's impossible to take your mind off it, the best you can do is just keep yourself as busy as possible with whatever you can find that requires the most concentration.

Yeah, I'm trying. Tonight started out very well. I went out to a friend's b-day party, but then the group broke up and we went our separate ways. Unfortunately for me, I went back to where I'm staying. I just started balling on the way home. <sigh> Just when I think I'm on the mend....I have a relapse. =(

[Leon]

That actually lasted more than a month for me. I was well into it before I posted anything about it here. Wanted to curl up in a fetal position. I did not think it would ever subside at all, but it did.

I know you love her dearly. And what I'm about to write may be the hardest thing you could ever do in your life. If she's insistant on getting away from you, then she's going to get some space one way or another. She wont do anything that she doesn't WANT TO right now. Pressuring her could make her MORE resistant to coming back.

Did she ever get her own time while you were together?....Scratch that.....Would she say that she got enough time to herself while you were together?

Be brutally honest here: Did you trust her? Are you the jealous type?

[Intrepid]

That actually lasted more than a month for me. I was well into it before I posted anything about it here. Wanted to curl up in a fetal position. I did not think it would ever subside at all, but it did.

I know you love her dearly. And what I'm about to write may be the hardest thing you could ever do in your life. If she's insistant on getting away from you, then she's going to get some space one way or another. She wont do anything that she doesn't WANT TO right now. Pressuring her could make her MORE resistant to coming back.

Did she ever get her own time while you were together?....Scratch that.....Would she say that she got enough time to herself while you were together?

Be brutally honest here: Did you trust her? Are you the jealous type?

I know that you are right about giving her space. She has asked for it, my counselor has advised me to give it to her, others have told me to give it her, and I know that I should. It's just that the most important person in my life now doesn't want me to care for her anymore (her words).

While we spent most of our time together, we each had our opportunities to 'get away' if we needed to. Most of the time, it was me meeting up with an old friend for 1 or 2 weekend nights. She doesn't really have any close friends, but that doesn't seem to bother her. She's not a very social person. Neither am I really, but am more so than her. I tend to do better one-on-one or in small groups.

As far as trusting her, yes I trusted her, and still do. However, while I'm not the jealous type, I do tend to be a bit insecure. While I worry about her finding someone else someday, I do not believe that there is currently anyone else, or that there ever has been - and I've looked hard for any inkling of evidence, which thankfully doesn't seem to be there.

[Leon]

My wife and I just recently separated after 8 yrs of marriage. It's been extremely difficult on me because while I knew there were problems (financial, lack of communication), I never expected that we'd separate, and furthermore never expected to be told that she wasn't in-love with me anymore.

Financial problems, are usually NOT financial problems. Millions of couples on this earth have great marriages while living extremely below the overty level. I'd ask now, who controls the money? You?

Do this, take out two pieces of money, a one and a twenty dollar bill and look at them. What do you see? The correct answer is two green pieces of paper with green ink in them. They're both worth exactly the same. Now, which one would you rather have?....The twenty...Why?...Because of what it represents. It represents more power, more things to choose from (choices in life), more freedom, more ability, more ability to show how much you love others, more opportunities.

Now remember, if you control the money, then you control the power, you make the choices, you control her freedom, you determine her opportunities.

I dunno how to help a communication problem.....except maybe that listening is more important than talking, most of the time.

[Leon]

Financial problems, are usually NOT financial problems. Millions of couples on this earth have great marriages while living extremely below the overty level. I'd ask now, who controls the money? You?

Do this, take out two pieces of money, a one and a twenty dollar bill and look at them. What do you see? The correct answer is two green pieces of paper with green ink in them. They're both worth exactly the same. Now, which one would you rather have?....The twenty...Why?...Because of what it represents. It represents more power, more things to choose from (choices in life), more freedom, more ability, more ability to show how much you love others, more opportunities.

Now remember, if you control the money, then you control the power, you make the choices, you control her freedom, you determine her opportunities.

I dunno how to help a communication problem.....except maybe that listening is more important than talking, most of the time.

Some time ago I left an even longer marriage because I was on the receiving end of the things I mentioned above. I said I needed my space, I needed to learn who I was. And I did need to. I had never been allowed to find out before. If this is the first time she's left, there's a reasonable chance she'll come back. I left three times, the second was ten years after the first, and the third was ten months after that.

If the stuff I've put in these last few post sounds even remotely familiar, then PM me and I'll tell you what I sense outside the public eye.

[Karried]

Sounds like she is in a mid life crisis and might need time to sort things out in her life.

As harsh as that sounds. I think most people leaving don't want to be reminded of the hurt they are causing another person. Right now you will hurt and feel so horrible but you have to keep reminding yourself that it will pass and every time you cry or hurt you are getting one step further along in the grief process. Look at Leon, he is feeling much better when a short while ago he was really sad. Give it time and know that it will get better and you will feel better. Just take one day at a time and get through it the best way you know while surrounding yourself with loved ones and friends. Today's a great day to get out and walk the dog ( or buy a dog) just to get out and go see the boat races and check out all the little hotties in Bricktown :-) I hope you feel better soon!