Ethical Question

[Karried]

Okay, set the scene.. best friend for over 20 years lives in CA. She is Conservative Christian ..... very very Christian. Love her to death but she has never had a drink, hates smoking and loathes drugs, or anything associated with them and tends to freak out over this stuff.

She has a teenage son, 16, rebelling big time. Buying, smoking pot at school ( got expelled), in their house, on their vacations etc etc. Going on for 3 years and it is killing their family. They have two younger children caught in the crossfire.

Problem: I am a friend on his Myspace. Recently, he is going crazy writing so much discriminating stuff re buying pot, going to Disneyland, smoking in the bathrooms.... etc, etc.. hiding bongs from his parents, on and on... really ramping it up.

Family is going on a trip to Italy/Greece (cruise) in two weeks.. I start freaking out, is this kid stupid enough to take drugs or ?? on the plane? Actually, he is, he went to Mexico on a church youth group trip and bought it there and brought it back into the states.. omg. I'm imagining drug sniffing dogs in Italy.. and foreign jails.

So.. I email my friend a few times telling her nonchalantly to check out myspace.. hoping she will get the hint to go and see what the heck this kid is typing for the world to see .. she doesn't. Plans are for a big show and for everyone to get wasted and meet up to blaze. I call my best friend and say ' hey girl, heads up, I'm worried about 'j', getting hurt, check out his myspace page okay...'

Well, she tells him I called and said this .. he denies any wrong doing but she gets access to his comments and they are so very damaging. So, all hell has broken loose and they are going at it like crazy.

I check myspace and 'j' has removed me from as a friend ( which is okay, because I don't want anything to do with this crap) but I feel so horrible about all of this!

I know I did the right thing.. but I wish to God that she hadn't told him I said anything!

I guess the bottom line is that this kid is making really poor choices and it is affecting his iife in so many ways...and I felt like it was my responsibility to tell my best friend that this was going on but on the other hand, I feel like such a tattletale. I wish she would have seen this crap without me having to bring it to her attention.

The only reason I even have a Myspace is because my kids do and they know I can access their pages..

This is a horrible position to be in.. I just hope I did the right thing.

[Midtowner]

He's 16 and smoking marijuana. If that's the least of his worries, he'll survive.

[Karried]

yeah, that is the issue.. I sort of feel the same way you do.... (not that I condone it but I don't freak out about it) but his mom, my best friend does.

So, I'm stuck in the middle, don't want to be here. I'm torn between thinking should I say something or not.. I don't want to be a narc on one hand.. on the other, I would die if something happened to this kid and I never said anything... ugh.

The only way I can figure this out is to think about my kids and would I want to know.. and the answer is yes, I would.

Apparently from some of his comments he is into a lot of recreational drugs and over the counter highs such as cough syrup CCC ... etc...


Parents, if you've never educated yourselves on the teen slang/ drug usage.. nows the time.. You'd be amazed at what they are figuring out these days.


420 = Marijuana Friendly

CCC - Cough Syrup High

There are tons more.. these are just some that I've seen in the last few hours.

Reference:

Is your teen robotripping on CCC?
How would you know if you don't even know what that means?

"It's very important that parents brush up on...slang, because just like with text messaging, kids use all these abbreviations and parents don't know what they mean. But the more they understand what these things mean, the more they will be able to monitor kids' behavior," says Gregory Pollock, a psychotherapist specializing in addiction at the Cleveland Clinic Foundation in Ohio.
That's why WebMD went directly to the experts on the front lines of teen drug abuse to get a better handle on the today's teenage drug slang.

Here's what you need to know about teens and drugs today:


Cold Medicine Abuse

Dextromethorphan (DXM): This is a drug contained in over-the-counter cough suppressants. After 900 milligrams, it becomes a hallucinogen. Synonyms for DXM include Candy, Dex, DM, Drex, Red Devils, Robo, Rojo, Skittles, Tussin, Velvet, Poor Man's X, and Vitamin D. "Tussin is a very popular name that's has been catching on lately," says Pollock. "Cold medicine abuse is a very serious problem, from what I have seen, because it is so available."

Syrup heads: Users of DXM

Dexing: Abusing cough syrup. Synonyms include robotripping or robodosing because users tend to chug Robitussin or another cough syrup to get high.
Triple C: This stands for Coricidin HBP Cough and Cold. "The triple C or CCC is something that we are seeing a lot of, and that is specific to Coricidin, but anything with DXM is abused today," adds Kevin M. Gray, MD, an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston.


More Teen Drug Use Terms

Special K: A medication used as an anesthetic in humans and animals, ketamine is sometimes abused as a "club drug." It can cause hallucinations and euphoria in higher doses. Synonyms include vitamin K, breakfast cereal, cat valium, horse tranquilizer, K, Ket, new ecstasy, psychedelic heroin, and super acid.
Crank: The stimulant methamphetamine. Synonyms include meth, speed, chalk, white cross, fire, and glass. "Crystal methamphetamine is called ice," says Cleveland Clinic's Pollock. "Crystal meth is smoked, but meth can be injected, snorted, or taken as a pill," he explains.
Antifreeze: Heroin. Synonyms include Big H, brown sugar, dope, golden girls, H, horse, junk, poison, skag, smack, sweet dreams, tar, and train, according to the web site of Phoenix House, a national alcohol and drug abuse treatment and prevention facility.
Crunk: This is a verb that means to get high and drunk at the same time.
Snow: Cocaine. Synonyms include Charlie, crack, coke, dust, flake, freebase, lady, nose candy, powder, rock, rails, snowbirds, toot, white, and yahoo, according to Phoenix House. "After all this time, alcohol and pot are still the most used drugs by teens, but cocaine is really a strong third, especially with females, because of the weight issue," says Janice Styer, MSW, a clinical coordinator-addictions counselor at Caron Treatment Center in Wernersville, Pa. "The drug of choice among women with eating disorders is almost invariably cocaine." A stimulant, cocaine can decrease appetite.
X: Ecstasy or 3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA). Synonyms include Adam, E, bean, clarity, essence, lovers speed, MDMA, roll, stacy, XTC, according to the Phoenix House.

Georgia Home Boy: This refers to Gamma Hydroxybutyrate (GHB), a central nervous system depressant can produce euphoric, sedative, and body-building effects. Other synonyms include Gamma-OH, Grievous Bodily Harm, Liquid Ecstasy, Liquid E, Liquid X, Organic Quaalude, and Scoop, according to Phoenix House.
Roofies: This refers to rohypnol, a.k.a. the date rape drug. Synonyms include the forget pill, La Rocha, Mexican valium, R-2, rib, roachies, roofenol, rophies, roche (pronounced roe-shay), and rope.
Kibbles and bits: The attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) drug called Ritalin. It is sometimes also referred to as pineapple, says Pollock.

Teens and Drugs on the Web

Cheese: This is a hazardous mix of black tar heroin and Tylenol PM (or other medicines containing diphenhydramine). It looks like grated parmesan cheese — thus the name. There were more than 20 teen deaths in Dallas and surrounding neighborhoods that have been attributed to Cheese since it was identified in 2005.
Candy flipping: This term refers to a high that's achieved by combining LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide) or acid with ecstasy. "The new thing, especially with kids on the Internet, is which drugs are best and safest to combine," explains Styer. A new study by the Caron Treatment Centers found that one in 10 messages on the Internet involved teens seeking advice from their peers on how to take illicit drugs. The messages were posted on common online message boards, forums, and social network sites such as MySpace.com.

When it comes to teens and drugs, "You will never know everything, but you don't want your kids to think you are an idiot," Styer says. "You need to keep communication open and talk to your kids about the dangers of the Internet."

[solitude]

Karrie, You did the right thing. There's no question about it. The mother was clueless and she needed to know this. The kid is buying pot in Mexico and reckless enough to try to bring it back into the country? It obviously succeeded, but he was lucky. He's using bongs, smoking pot in public bathrooms, making plans to smoke pot and detailing the big party plans on the Internet for friends to see. I hear a kid screaming for help. Pot at 16 doesn't always mean it's a gateway drug - but with his obvious audacity - anything is possible. No question - you did the right thing. She shouldn't have told the boy who let her know about the MySpace, but that was poor judgment that is nothing compared to what the kid is up to.

[Karried]

Solitude, thank you so much for taking the time to write that.. obviously, it's bothering me so much.. I can't even sleep (it's 1:00am and I'm wide awake mulling it over).

I know kids will be kids and in this day and age, pot, even if it is illegal, might not be that big of a deal, but this kid is taking to a whole new level... one that I feel might have dire consequences down the road.

He's like my nephew though and I'm sure he hates me.. and I feel really badly about that. I hope one day he understands that I did it out of concern and love for him and not just to get him into trouble.

[kevinpate]

Karried, you've quite possibly done better than you think. I rather quickly saw an alternative ending re the Italy trip. The lad's not the brightest crayon in the box, his detailed exploits online are adequate evidence of that. Yet he might have enough non 420'd grey matter to realize stash in his bag is a bad idea. Slipping his version of fun de jour into a bag of mumsykins or one of the sibheads is something not beyond the realm of the possible.

I've helped raise my own brood as my parents raised me .. give direction, give guidance, and as important, give room to make, and learn from, mistakes while encouraging them to avoid the big mistakes. Are my angels perfect? nah, but I wouldn't trade off any of the three, and I'm fairly confident my luggage remains bad choice free.

Best wishes to your friend, da 'nephew' and for your own peace of mind.

[BailJumper]

Karried, I feel your pain. My oldest - 17 - is going through this too.

Trust me, I've run into several people who made foolish comments like Midtowner's. Pot on it's own may not be a huge deal (one reason I see no need to ban it from adults who want to do it at home), but when it's teenagers there is always 'other things' going on - like the other drugs, teenage sex and activities that could land them in jail and with a record they cannot shake.

I am a full believer that a parent has an OBLIGATION to know everything their kids do (while they are minors and living under your roof and you are liable for them), but to be reasonable enough not to react to everything they do (they are kids afterall).

When our oldest went from junior high to high school it was too much for him. He went from A's to D's. He quit sports, was always tardy to class and talked alot while in class. He also discovered girls and his first (and only) girlfriend is an ongoing nightmare (live with grandmother, no car, no license, no job and will be 20 when she graduates HS).

He had a MySpace and was spending a lot of time online. Primarily because we believe teens do not NEED a cell phone but we make one available to him when he leaves the house - and we watch his minutes used on a daily basis. Too many parents have had the shock of a $1,000+ cell phone bill by their 'wonderful' teenager.

We signed up for WebWatcher and for only $99 we can see everthing our son does on his computer (websites, keystrokes, emails written and/or read, etc.). Best of all it cannot be detected and we can sign-on from any computer that is online and see what he's up to. It even alerts us when key phrases are typed in or appear in an email (pot, drugs, sex, I'm going to kill my parents, etc.).

I'm the gatekeeper because I'm better at ignoring the 'kid stuff' then the wife is.

We soon realized his girlfriend was selling her parent's Loritabs and our son was smoking pot and drinking.

This we could not ignore and stepped in. First thing we did was have him drug tested (place by Crossroads) and made him pay for it (about $55).

The test actually came back negative, but he hadn't smoked in several days. But we were glad to know he had nothing 'serious' in his system.

We told him we'd test him whenever we wanted and he would pay for it. We also had a meeting with the HS principal and his girlfriends guardians.

He has no idea how we found out (thinks someone narc'd on him), but we haven't seen any other signs of it continuing. We also set him up with a weekly sit down with the school's counselor (which he now looks forward to and she even calls him during the summer).

We took the car away for 6 months and continued to monitor his Internet communications and occassionally monitored his home phone calls.

It's been about 9 months now and he was back to A's and B's when summer got here. We also made him get a summer job and gave him a 10:30pm curfew. He also has to get into at least one sport next year.

Probably the best thing we did was re-institute family time. We had gotten away from sit down dinners where we all pitched in to cook and clean. Those happen at least three times a week now. We also rent family appropriate movies and have family movie nights and we ALL do house chores together and then celebrate by going out for pizza, a movie, etc.

I think you had an obligation to tell your friend. Too bad she was too much of a coward to keep you out of it. Sounds like they put up a great 'Christian front' but do little to live up to the obligations of being a parent.

We've actually heard our son's girlfriend tell him (on the phone) that she wished she had parents who cared enough to keep her out of trouble.

Just remember, he is not your responsability and you can and should only do so much.

Good luck

[bandnerd]

Karrie--

You did the right thing. Yeah, kids are going to do stupid stuff, but it is the parent's responsibility to make sure that they don't screw it up so bad it's irreparable. If your friend was so blind as to not pay attention to what her own kid was doing online and in his time, then she needed to be told.

He'll get over it, and eventually see that you did him a huge favor. Trafficking drugs across the border at 16 does not bode well for his life later on without some sort of intervention.

[kmf563]

Karried you are a good person, mom, and friend. You did the right thing. The hardest lesson to learn is that we as concerned friends and parents have to learn to let go and let live. You can be concerned, but you can't own their problems. It's their responsibility as his parent to deal with these issues, not yours. So don't lose sleep - you can be there for them when things happen and you can give advice when it's asked for, but you have to let them learn on their own. It is their mistake to make.

[drumsncode]

You did the right thing. You should sleep well, knowing that you did. Imagine how you'd feel if you just looked the other way and something horrible happened?

I don't buy into the "kids will be kids" philosophy either these days. There's too much bad stuff happening. Remember Natalee Holloway? She was just doing a little "harmless" teenage drinking, right?

If you see a kid making big mistakes, warn the parents. You might save someone's life.

[Karried]

thanks guys, your posts have me in tears this morning just because the whole thing is so upsetting ... I was up all night... couldn't stop thinking about it. I appreciate it so much, such a difficult position to be in.

Bailjumper, your post sounds identical to what my friends been going through for the last few yeas.. this kid started early.

They are great parents which is why it is so hard to believe. They do work a lot though leaving the kids with a lot of free time and time to make some really bad choices.

My whole intention was to anonymously alert mom to read his page, where he busted himself over and over and her not mention me....and then just monitor his behavior to prevent anything bad from happening, but it has really blown up with his mom threatening to take copies of the incriminating posts to the other parents ( he'll be really popular now).. he told her he hated her and she said, 'well, if he hates me now, it doesn't matter how mad I make him I guess' .... it's just all so sad.

I know this will pass but what a mess.

Thanks again.

[sweetdaisy]

Bailjumper, I'm so impressed with how you've handled your child's issues. Alot of parents would just scream and yell at them and not help them find ways to overcome the stress of being a teen. And the family together time is HUGE. Congratulations to you and your wife for implementing such a seemingly successful "program" in your home. It's so refreshing to hear of parents who are helping their children solve their problems instead of ingoring them and saying "kids will be kids".

Karried, you most certainly did the right thing. You should also send your friend Bailjumper's post and suggest they get on the bandwagon. Smuggling drugs at 16 does not bode well for this kid's future. Quite honestly, if I were the parents, I would reevaluate the wisdom of their Italy trip at this time and think about whether their priorities are straight. If the parents are both working so much (partially so they can take long vacations out of the U.S.), maybe they should scale back the vaca's and spend more time at home, getting to know their kids. Just my humble opinion, of course.

[BailJumper]

Bailjumper, I'm so impressed with how you've handled your child's issues.

Thank you. I really think the key was/is to intervene early, often and not give in to "letting them make their own mistakes."

Too many parents wait until a problem becomes a lifestyle. Once the child has insulated themselves with bad friends and habits and have crossed the line into blatant disrepsect it can be a huge battle to overcome.

My wife and I both work long hours too (but home by 6pm most nights and 7:30pm one night a week), but raise our kids so that there is no expectation on their part that they can run wild when we are not there.

My son still gets embarrased because we insist on knowing where he is going to be and calling to make sure an adult will be present.

But, we also are always mindful not to make growing up so strick that he lashes out.

Honestly, I think one of the great investments was Rock Band for our 360.

The whole family spends hours playing great music together. Our son invites friends over and we take the game to family get togethers.

As parents we are often up against friends, culture, media, myths, and hormones.

You don't get a day off, you get very little credit, and you can't simply quit.

[Karried]

Yes, I'm starting to feel better about saying something.

I think I'm feeling badly because of the whole situation, that my friend has to go through this, that their entire family is in turmoil. I think it's much worse because the family is so conservative, for them, this is like finding out your kid is shooting up heroine.

Sweetdaisy, I agree with a lot of what you've said...I think if the parents would have been more available, this might not have happened, but I can't be sure. They are really great parents and I know they did their best.

Bailjumper, RockBand is the best invention for families ever. We love it and play it all the time together. Dad plays the drums and the kids guitars and I sing ... I'm sure my neighbors love that.. but it does give us lots of fun times together. A new fog/light show is being made to compliment the game.

As much as we love our kids, it's really hard being a parent sometimes, whew.

[solitude]

BailiJumper, You sound like one great dad. Your kids are lucky to have responsible and loving parents - as they so obviously do.

[mommy_too]

The question you need to ask yourself is if you had a child doing the same things would you want to be informed?

[jacodenn]

I am curious...what has happened since your original post?

Dennis
Oklahoma City

[Windshieldsplatter]

I wouldn't worry much about the pot. It is the meth it leads to that will be the problem.