Share your Christmas Jokes or stories here

[mranderson]

I thought it would be fun to have an area to share Christmas stories, memories, and jokes. So, please pitch in.

A joke: How many Santa's does it take to screw in Rudolphs light bulb?

Answer: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two behind Rudolph to clean up after him.

[MasterWolf]

'Twas da night befo' Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas' 'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
well anyway....

I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
I said, for real doe, come check dis out.

We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!" he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin' at home.

And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty.....
"WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"

[MasterWolf]

[neo]

Masterwolfe2004....

[MasterWolf]

neo....

[neo]

Hey wolfman...

just kidding....I better remove that before I get booted....LOL

[MasterWolf]

I saw it...LOL.

[neo]

Hey wolfman...your sisters school pictures are in.

[MasterWolf]

[MasterWolf]

[MasterWolf]

Well, Neo, Your sister sent me hers. LOL!!!

[neo]

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

[neo]

These were the first words spoken by your mother after your birth......100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

[neo]

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

[neo]

I had to share.....

[MasterWolf]

[MasterWolf]

Hey Neo, Is this your favorite christmas album?

[SoundMind]

Here's a message I put on my answering machine every year:

Twas the Night before Christmas and all through the home
Not a creature was able to answer the phone
When you hear the tone, be real quick
leave a message for good ole St. Nick!

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

[Keith]

I know many people do not care for Wal-Mart, however, due to the loss of the Salvation Army bell ringers at Target stores, Wal-Mart is pitching in to help with the loss. The world's largest retailer announced last Thursday it would match up to $1 million in donations. To me, even if you don't like Wal-Mart, it would be a great place to shop to help out the Salvation Army, and to say thanks to Wal-Mart for stepping up to the plate.



Thank Wal-Mart for helping Salvation Army overcome the Target loss


Folks dropping money in Salvation Army kettles at Wal-Mart stores can make their money go twice as far. The world's largest retailer announced last Thursday it would match up to $1 million in donations.

The company said the clock started Thursday on the match and runs through Christmas Eve.

Wal-Mart is helping raise money for needy families, while the Target Corporation continues to serve as this year's "Ebenezer Scrooge." Earlier this year, Target told the Salvation Army to "take a hike" with its red kettles, refusing to allow them to raise much needed funds to help children this Christmas.

"We hope our customers join us in donating what they can to benefit an organization that does so much in our communities to serve families in need," Wal-Mart spokeswoman Betsy Reithemeyer said in a news release. "The Salvation Army red kettles and the bell ringers are truly a holid ay tradition worth keeping."

The Salvation Army said the kettle donations are spent locally and said the Wal-Mart match will extend local donations.

I hope you will consider making your Christmas purchases with companies, like Wal-Mart, who support one of the nation’s most beloved charities, the Salvation Army.

In the meantime, please take a moment to thank Wal-Mart for supporting the good work of the Salvation Army.

[Keith]

I have some very good memories of years past. While I was growing up, it was customary for all of the aunts, uncles, and cousins, to go to my grandparents house (my dad's family) on Christmas Eve. They lived in Newalla, Okla., which is about 30 minutes east of downtown OKC.

The house was very small (2 bedroom), and it was very cramped, however, we never let that bother us. Mom and dad always brought one present for my sister and I to open when we went to grams house on Christmas Eve. It was so exciting to get three or four gifts from other relatives. There was always all kinds of foods, desserts, snacks, pop, etc...... Heck, the Christmas tree took quite a bit of room. My uncle always played santa and passed out the gifts.

There was only one year that we didn't have Christmas Eve at Grandma and grandpa's house. That was the year that granny got real sick, and when we arrived at their house (we were the first ones there), dad and gramps took her to the hospital in my dads 1969 Chevy Impala. She survived the illness, however, none of us were in the Christmas spirit because of our concern for her.

Well, things certainly do change, don't they? Now, I have been married for almost 25 years, and my kids are growing up quickly. Grandma died about 10 years ago of cancer at the ripe age of 96, and grandpa died about a year later when all of his vital organs started giving out on him. He was also in his upper 90's.

I sure do miss them. I miss the time spent at his 40 acres of land, and the way that they were so giving. They would sacrifice everything they had to be with their grandchildren. They didn't have much, but they had lots of love.

Their land got sold, and the new owners built a brand new two story home right where the old pond used to be. The old two bedroom frame house is still standing. I drive by there about twice a year and vision all of us grandkids playing in the yard.

I really instill in my own kids how important it is to spend time with their grandparents. Every Christmas Eve and Christmas day we see my folks and my wife's mother. It's been a long standing tradition.

That's my story....please read the lyrics to the song below. This Christmas song is played on 88.9 FM (KLOVE) and on 104.1 FM (KMGL). It is a real tear jerker so be prepared.




Newsong
The Christmas Shoes

It was almost Christmas time,
there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two,
not really in the Christmas mood.

Standing right in front of me,
was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing 'round like little boys do,
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old,
he was dirty from head to toe,
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldn't believe what I heard him say,

Chorus:

Sir, I want to buy these shoes ,
for my Mama, please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time,
You see, she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes would make her smile,
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years,
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here,"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me,

He said Mama made Christmas good at our house,
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.

So I laid the money down,
I just had to help him out,
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said,
Mama's gonna look so great.

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time,
You see she's been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes would make her smile,
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.


Bridge:

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love,
As he thanked me and ran out,
I knew that God had sent that little boy,
To remind me just what Christmas is all about.

Repeat Chorus