Women and Love

[kellekokid]

Hi, I kinda feel like I am interrupting a conversation between you three so I hope you don't mind if I share a little of my story...However before I do I would like to say that my sister has been married to a cop for 16+ years and if he were to ever mess around on her I would probably end up in jail! She's the best there is and has put up with that cop attitude he carries everywhere for all these years so I would hope he is at least smart enough to not mess that up!

My last long term relationship ended over a few things the least of which was him telling me I was the most beautiful girl in the world "next to my mom" honest to goodness he would say that to me! I ask you do you bring your mom into that conversation? The first couple of times I heard that I was in the 'Awww thanks honey" mode when the Mom got thrown in there and I slide into "Huh???" and not at all thrilled.
He has a negative spirit about him and would constantly do things that he knew would make me mad despite me saying okay you won you made me mad now what? he would always think it was the greatest/funniest thing. That grew old real fast. Why do guys do that anyway, does that really make for a fun time?
He would also be just fine then in a blink of an eye be crying cause he missed...his Mom. Sensitivity and caring is a wonderful thing but too much frankly worriesome.
So, needless to say that's been broken up for awhile. Again these things were the least of things.

I've recently dated a couple of guys (at different times) one ended up wanting just a "buddy" we'll say, no real dates, no developing a relationship....no thank you.

The other guy totally mystifys me. Everything he said indicated he wanted a long term relationship in his life, things were going great, he was nice, treated me like a lady and seemed to enjoy my company. We hadn't really dated long enough to go further into a relationship but we had both indicated that we were interested in see if one would develop. Turns out that man loves to work...doesn't have to, has his things all in order in the finance department, just loves to work...even worked on his vacation. (Which by the way he never called me while he was gone) With my work hours the only time we could see each other was for lunches before I'd go into work or on the weekends and he works every weekend. He didn't for awhile, I guess just enough to get me interested then back to work. The more I write this the more I'm realizing that as the saying goes "he's just not into you" fits perfectly.... I just don't know why. He gave every indication that he was "in to me", then seeminly walked away without any indication as to why. I'm still stumped about that cause he seemed like a nicer man than that. So, all that meandering conversation to say it happens to us girls too. We care and we want to care and we put ourselves out there for a relationship and it seems like men want to use us for their interests. Personally I'm tired of it and frankly stumped. Do I act uncaring and aloof, do I be honest and say I like you and would like to see where this goes. Do I just become negative and depressed and lonely still? I don't want that for myself. I have the choice to make and hard as it is sometimes to not be sad at being lonely I have to believe that my guy is out there somewhere looking for an honest upfront loving caring funny girl to belong to them.
I would have to say that while it sounds good to want a relationship to be 50/50 it probably just isn't going to be that way. I think there will be times that the higher percentage is going to lean more to one person, other times it's going to be the other person, part of the give and take of living life. Nothing concrete about it.
It also sounds like you two guys have been through a painful breakups of long term relationships, and I am truly sorry you've gone through that. The hurt hearts and angry spirits are evident but please know that it's gonna get better, as trite as that may sound. And I do have to believe that you'll trust and believe in love again. We've got to guys, it's too sad not believing....

[Leon]

Mariner, Jennifer Anniston is back. H-O-T

Kerrie, are you a counselor or something. You don't know me?!?!

Check this out. Went to the movies, met a female friend there. I already knew her, but it was a chance meeting. So we watched a movie together. She's attractive but I'm not attracted to her. I felt guilty though.

I REALLY have feelings for this other girl. So I'm gonna tell her that I saw a movie with my friend. It was completely innocent. Like I said though, I feel guilty. I figure telling will do several things: show I'm not trying to hide anything, show I'm still with the 'open and honest' pledge, give her a chance to open up, and indicate that I wouldn't be lost without her.

[Leon]

Kelleko,
Guys do that mad thing because they're on a power trip. I'd guess the 'next to your mom' comments were part of the same trip.....Mom comment, making you mad just because he can, excessive uncalled-for display of sensitivity....you had a controller at the least and likely a future abuser. Those are a few methods people use to control YOUR emotions and when that happens they control your life. I am VERY attentive to controlling behaviors.

...."I'm still stumped about that cause he seemed like a nicer man than that".....Girl, it might be hard not to take this the wrong way, but if he wasn't "into you" that COULD HAVE been the nicest thing for him to do.

I understand so much of what you say. We need to start a lonely hearts club.

50/50 relationships...this is where I'm struggling....this is where I've messed up. So far I've been trying 50/50, trying soo hard to give in, that I've given in too much. Women's Libbers may hate me for this but 50/50 is a tie. One of the two HAS TO BE the tie-breaker....What shall we call the other one? Here, I'll call him/her the tie-giver. 50/50 would say that they should each be the tie-breaker 50% of the time. But, if one gives too much, that unintentionally throws the balance to 40/60. Now, no one should argue that throughout history men have been in control the most. (This is a testosterone/estrogen topic that I could start a new thread with.)....But that's not quite right either. Men are in control the most during the first half of their lives, women in the second half. (Watch how elderly women boss their men around and how the men submit.) So it should be naturally 60/40 then 40/60 for a 50/50 average. TYPICALLY, younger women don't NEED or want to be in control and men do. As the testosterone/estrogen levels drop with aging, those roles naturaly reverse.

So, my problem: I've been battling mother nature by allowing the woman to make all decisions.....a role in which she NATURALLY doesn't feel comfortable.....and leaves. I do not know how to tell when to give and when not to.

[kellekokid]

I guess where I was going with the 50/50 thing is at times in life and or a relationship the higher number will shift more because of emotional needs or something like okay tonight we'll go do what you want to do I'm too tired to decide....the tie giver as you have aptly named it. The tie giver could probably be seen to be the "loser" but really are they? Knowing in a relationshiip there's the giver and the taker aren't they just choosing their role? None of the I am powerlord you must obey my command!! Cause if it's that I'm really in trouble....my attitude has already gone up just writing/reading that Oh Brother if that were really presented to me!

[Leon]

Hell, I shouldn't give advice from my position.....I don't know how you do it....that's why I'm alone on a PC at 3:30 am...not quite ready to give up and sleep 'til noon every weekend.

[Curt]

I REALLY have feelings for this other girl. So I'm gonna tell her that I saw a movie with my friend. It was completely innocent. Like I said though, I feel guilty. I figure telling will do several things: show I'm not trying to hide anything, show I'm still with the 'open and honest' pledge, give her a chance to open up, and indicate that I wouldn't be lost without her.

Leon, I can understand the feeling guilty thing. That just shows your a decent guy who has a heart and a conscience. I was in OKC in December for two reasons, one of them was to visit a female friend of mine, the other was for a job interview. The girl I know here called me while I was there and told me how much I was hurting her seeing my other friend, before I left she gave no indication that she was that interested in me, and in fact saw her male friend a few times, but threw it back in my face that I was there to visit my female friend. It made me feel guilty that I hurt her. So, long story short, I come back home, dont take the job and now she dumps me. Anyway, nuff of my sob story. You should let your other girl know about going to the movie with your female friend, dont tell her you met your friend there, just say you reconnected and went to the show together as friends and drop it at that, act like you could care less, and maybe even just say something like "Ok, I gotta run, I have alot to do" next time your on the phone, she will then wonder why you are not bending over backwards for her anymore and maybe try to get back with you, but if she does, be careful, and if you see signs she is going to run again, be the first to dump her. I know you still have feelings for her, I still do for mine, as much as I hate her, I still love her very much. Good luck my friend, if I lived there, we'd go have a few beers and look at chickies.

[Karried]

"Kerrie, are you a counselor or something. You don't know me?!?!"

Sorry Leon, no, I'm not a counselor - just speaking from experience. I just thought I was helping out in some small way... I won't bother you again -good luck with everything.

Mariner, PM me if you want to talk -

[Leon]

Kerrie, that "you don't know me!?!?" was a question. It would've been better put as "do you know me?" I think you took that the wrong way. PLEASE do no take that the wrong way. I actaully intended it to be a compliment. I'm truely sorry.

OKAY? I need friends and youy've nothing nothing to anger anyone.

[Karried]

Leon, see communication between sexes is always confusing! Don't worry, I'm not upset, I was just confused - I thought you were mad at me for butting in! :-) We both need counseling together ha,ha ..

[Leon]

Folks, can a serious relationship end without at least one of the persons saying that it's over, or let's just be friends?

[Curt]

Once your serious, I dont see how you can be just friends, I couldnt, unless it was my choice to end it. My buddy is so bothered by the fact his ex is seeing other guys, he dumped her three times now and I told him, what do you expect, you dumped her three times now. See folks, he wants her to be faithul to him, but he does not want to be faithful to her....oh yah, he is a cop, typical cop.

[Leon]

"Once your serious, I dont see how you can be just friends, I couldnt, unless it was my choice to end it."

That's how I feel too. This girl was my friend first. Now I stand to lose both a lover and a friend. I was thinking today which single female friends I'd date. Nah, you can't go back.

Anyone, know where the single LADIES hang out in OKC?.....not the tattooed meth addicts.

[Jay]

Here is my take love:


I have been single since 1999


My problem is that I rarely find someone that piques my interests. The few women I have asked out went something like this one was married, one turned me down and the others there was no chemistry between us on our dates.

I refuse to give up on love, the only way I will not find someone is if I give up and stop looking.

I know what my mistakes where in the past. I moved to fast and I did not let fate take its course. I scared a few good girlfriend candidates off because of my lack of patience.

It used to be when I would go on a date I would act as if I had to do everything to impress them. Now I go out on a date to have a good time and analyze what happens next a couple days later.

I see dating and relationships as a game. You have to be competitive and make a woman chase you. At no time should you make her feel as if the game is over and its time to seek something more exciting.

Sometimes break up are meant to be.

When you do break up, there is no reunion. Move on and do something with your life. That is what I did six years ago. I walked away with the attitude of never again. Then that attitude changed to “I want to understand dating and find out what I want and do not want in a love relationship.”

Now that I have learned these lessons all I have to do is find that special girl.

[Curt]

I lost a lover and a friend, and as much as I hate her, I miss her.

[Curt]

All well put olkacity. perhaps my biggest problem is pushing too hard to prove my love for someone I push them away. Something I need to fix.

[Leon]

I just hate the feeling of being alone. Like you, I need to go out simply to have a good time.

I need to take some time for me now...at least a year, two would be better...get some education and a new house. I dunno..I;m all jacked up right now.

[Jay]

I would like to plug a website. I learned quite bit from the articles listed there.

www.askmen.com

Its a Cosmo type site written for guys. They cover dating, health and fitness, cooking, career advice, you name it's there.

[Jay]

Leon my advice for you would be this. Move on and forget her. Set some goals and achieve them.

Do those things that you couldn't do before now. Go back to school, get in better shape, learn a hobby, hone a skill that you wish you were better at doing, anything. Maybe something that you have always wanted to do but just never had the nerve or the time.

Lose her number, email, everything cut the tie and live your life. You will think me for it later. Who knows you might find the woman of your dreams in one of your journeys.

[Leon]

Mariner, I explained to someone recently how men build a series of many walls around themselves to protect from everything....that's why they hide their emotions, don't declare love, etc. Guys like you and me are to quick to knock those walls down to let someone in. We need to name those walls and only let someone in when they can really be trusted in there and then only let them in one at a time.

[Curt]

Mariner, I explained to someone recently how men build a series of many walls around themselves to protect from everything....that's why they hide their emotions, don't declare love, etc. Guys like you and me are to quick to knock those walls down to let someone in. We need to name those walls and only let someone in when they can really be trusted in there and then only let them in one at a time.

Oh trust me my friend, I wont be the first to show my love to a woman again, she is going to have to prove herself to me before I let my guard down again.

[Leon]

oklacity75 that is what I need to do but neither has SAID it's over. I don't want that and I don't have a GOOD reason to give for it.

[Leon]

Mariner, she needs to come just short of begging for me right now....no more automatic yes's.

[Curt]

Leon, if neither has said it is over, dont give up, just step back a little and dont push like I do.

[Jay]

When I hear a woman say "I want someone that is in touch with thier emotions." To me that phrase means a woman wants to know she is loved and she wants to be a friend when he needs one.

I think where some guys push it is when they use thier girlfriend as a shrink.

A man should be able to handle most of his problems on his own. The only time when outside help is needed is when a traumatic event has occurred.

[Curt]

When I hear a woman say "I want someone that is in touch with thier emotions." To me that phrase means a woman wants to know she is loved and she wants to be a friend when he needs one.

I think where some guys push it is when they use thier girlfriend as a shrink.

A man should be able to handle most of his problems on his own. The only time when outside help is needed is when a traumatic event has occurred.

Bingo Oklacity, I think you are absolutley right about this. I dont in anyway hate women, I love them more than anything, but I am going to just take one day at a time right now.