The official joke thread

[Keith]

test

[kellekokid]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom


LESSON OF THE DAY ...
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

[Curt]

A Bottle Of Wine ............
>>>
>>> For all of us who are married, were married, wish
>>> you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
>>> is something to smile about the next time you open a
>>> bottle of wine:
>>>
>>> Sally was driving home from one of her business trips
>>> in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo
>>> woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip
>>> was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
>>> asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
>>>
>>> With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the
>>> car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to
>>> make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The
>>> old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
>>> everything she saw, studying every little detail,
>>> until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
>>> Sally..
>>>
>>> "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
>>>
>>> Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
>>> a bottle of wine; I got it for my husband."
>>>
>>> The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
>>> two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an
>>> elder, she said, "Good trade."

[Keith]

Makes you think......

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

[Curt]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a
flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what
they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,"
said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few
bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked
away.

Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just
like a blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us
the length!"

[Keith]

Subject: Little Johnny


A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run..... she can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere..... on him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart

[Intrepid]

Not really a joke, but one of the funniest web sites I've come across:

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

[Keith]

What NOT To Do at a Job Interview

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. ''... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.''

2. ''She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.''

3. ''A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.''

4. ''... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.''

5. ''... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve''

6. ''Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.''

7. ''Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.''

8. ''When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.''

9 . ''At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.''

10. ''... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.''

11. ''Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.''

12. ''While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.''

13. ''During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.''

14. ''A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: '''Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.''

15. ''His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.''

16. ''Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.''

17. ''... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.''

18. ''Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.''

[Faith]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
>dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
>only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
>sister.
>
>She always wore mini-skirts,and generally was braless. She would regularly
>bend down when she
>was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private
>parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
>else.
>
>One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
>the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
>whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
>couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
>me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>
>Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
>going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
>just come up and get me."
>I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
>When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
>down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
>then turned and
>made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
>headed straight towards my car.
>Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
>clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me
>and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
>We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
>family."
>
>And the moral of this story is:


>Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Curt]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
>dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
>only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
>sister.
>
>She always wore mini-skirts,and generally was braless. She would regularly
>bend down when she
>was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private
>parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
>else.
>
>One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
>the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
>whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
>couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
>me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>
>Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
>going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
>just come up and get me."
>I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
>When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
>down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
>then turned and
>made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
>headed straight towards my car.
>Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
>clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me
>and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
>We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
>family."
>
>And the moral of this story is:


>Always keep your condoms in your car.

Spewww...........I should not have had a mouthfull of coffee.
That is a priceless Joke Goddess..thanks for sharing it

[PUGalicious]

Forgive me if you've seen this before. I received it by email this morning...


Restaurant spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Anderson Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons dropped per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that all the waiters had a string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly." Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is as observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon"!!!

.

[Curt]

LOL..guess I should bring my own spoons next time.

[Keith]

What NOT To Do at a Job Interview

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:
1. ''... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.''

2. ''She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.''

3. ''A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.''

4. ''... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.''

5. ''... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve''

6. ''Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.''

7. ''Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.''

8. ''When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.''

9 . ''At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.''

10. ''... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.''

11. ''Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.''

12. ''While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.''

13. ''During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.''

14. ''A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: '''Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.''

15. ''His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.''

16. ''Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.''

17. ''... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.''

18. ''Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.''

[Keith]

Never Question A Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " Cause you're ugly."

[mranderson]

This is how I like to sell computers.

http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927

[kellekokid]

I just got this from my sister...hope I'm posting it right.
Classic comic clip...
copperclappers.wmv

[Keith]

Never Question A Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " Cause you're ugly."

[MadMonk]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favour if it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.


The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor
to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

-

-

-

-

-

-

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

[Keith]

Interesting

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died


Lesson Learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

[Keith]

Oklahoma Beer Drinking Rules.

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

An Oklahoma boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice. "GO OKLAHOMA”

[Curt]

Oklahoma Beer Drinking Rules.

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

An Oklahoma boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice. "GO OKLAHOMA”

I would have to agree.

[MadMonk]

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Curt]

CITY OF DETROIT HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ Crib _________________


1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by
shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his
hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more
Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans
of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Marvin be when he gets whacked?

[Keith]

CITY OF DETROIT HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ Crib _________________


1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by
shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his
hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more
Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans
of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Too funny, mariner.

In The Garden

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" She asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" She asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" The little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon, but we're not having any of that crap in Texas.

[MadMonk]

^^^^^^^^^^^^
AAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! That was great!
Now you'll have to excuse me while I wipe off my monitor.