The official joke thread

[Curt]

That was the best joke I have heard all year. Actually, I am not sure it is a joke. Yeah, it has to be a joke because she has no achievements to honor. I would spit on the wrong side too.

LOL....I thought it was pretty good also...are you sure you meant spit or something else that kinda rhymes with spit?

[Todd]

Guys how can you tell if you have the bird flu?

Your nuggets are swollen and your pecker hurts. :spin:

[Curt]

Guys how can you tell if you have the bird flu?

Your nuggets are swollen and your pecker hurts. :spin:

LMBO!!!!!!!!!!.......is that what my problem has been?

[Keith]

Guys how can you tell if you have the bird flu?

Your nuggets are swollen and your pecker hurts. :spin:

Oh, now that was bad.....

How about these?????

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from University
of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus
14%, how much would you take off?"

"Everything, but my earrings."

(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)

> ================================================== ======

A group of Texas A & M friends went deer hunting and paired off in
twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"

> ================================================== ======
A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying,
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years
later than in the rest of the civilized world.

> ================================================== ======

The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."

> ================================================== ======
NEWS FLASH! -

Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150
plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station
cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery
efforts.

> ================================================== ======
A TexasState trooper pulled over an Oklahoma pickup on I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

> ================================================== ======
A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put
flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it
either.

[Curt]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Curt]

+70°F (21°C) and above
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.

+60°F (16°C)
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Michigan plant gardens.

+50°F (10°C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Michigan sunbathe.

+40°F (4°C)
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

+32°F (0°C)
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

+20°F (-7°C)
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

+10°F (-12°C)
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0°F (-18°C)
People in Miami all die...
Michiganders lick the flagpole.

-20°F (-29°C)
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

-40°F (-40°C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

-60°F (- 51°C)
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-80°F (-62°C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Michigan rent some videos.

-100°F (-73°C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

-297°F (-183°C)
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.

-460°F (-273°C)
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-500°F (-296°C)
Hell freezes over.
The Lions win the Super Bowl!

[Curt]

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Detroit Lions.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A: To Ford Field - they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q: What do the Lions and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

[Keith]

Doggie Winter Wonderland.

Dog tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.

In the meadow Dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;

"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as MY winter wonderland."

[El Gato Pollo Loco!!!]

...-500°F (-296°C)
Hell freezes over.
The Lions win the Super Bowl!

Ain't this the truth!

Also, that's Hell as in Hades or the Underworld, not Hell, Michigan.

[El Gato Pollo Loco!!!]

...Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief...

There's always E-Bay!

[Curt]

Ain't this the truth!

Also, that's Hell as in Hades or the Underworld, not Hell, Michigan.

LOL...no kidding cuz Hell, Michigan is already under ice.

[MadMonk]

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[Curt]

Guts or Balls???
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with your friends, being assaulted by your spouse with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with your friends, smelling of perfume, aftershave and beer, slapping your spouse on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[Keith]

That was funny!!



NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Your friends love you anyway.

[Curt]

2006 Lions SCHEDULE
September
14................Taft Junior High School
21................Cub Scout Troop #101
28................Detroit Blind Academy
October
05.................Spanish American War Vets
12................Crippled Children's Home
19................Appleton Mental Hospital
26................Girl Scout Troop # 353
November
02..................Michigan Venereal Disease Clinic
09.................Depere Boys Choir
16.................Korean Amputees
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December
08..................Sheboygan Gay Boys Club

** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - When playing polio patients, the Lions must not disconnect knee
braces.
2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Lions must not hide the
football under their jerseys.

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line
for all you Lion fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points.
2 - The Lions will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 - The Lions will be allowed to substitute with band members at
anytime.
4 - The Lions will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the
opposing team.
5 - The Lions will be awarded a first down with each gain of three
yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** NAME CHANGE **
The Detroit Lions will be changed to the "Detroit Tampons" as they are
only good for one period and have no second string.
** COACHING CHANGES **
Mooch will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a
few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!

[Keith]

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line
of the men who were dominated by their wives was 10,000 miles long, and in
the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only
one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to
be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not
fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your
family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my
son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

"I don't know," the man replied. "My wife told me to stand here."

[Curt]

LOL...Keith

[Keith]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.




20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

[Curt]

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.



OMG...to freakin funny

[Curt]

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.



When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.



At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[Curt]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel
about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:

a.. 85% of women think their ass is too fat...
b.. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
c.. The other 5% say they don't care, they love him,
he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway.

[Keith]

What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

[Curt]

Keith...my hero

[Keith]

24 Bumper Stickers For Women

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. ANOTHER DOPELESS HOPE FIEND

23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

[Curt]

All the more reason to stay single...LOL