Question for the fellas

[Leon]

What are the reasons why we fellas don't commit?....

We're still looking elsewhere?

Don't feel it's reciprocated?

She's still shopping around/looking?

Where do we get our security?

[BailJumper]

I stayed single for so many years for many reasons that varied from relationship to relationship. However, there was always one constant - Until I met my wife I hadn't dated anyone that gave me that sick feeling if I thought about them not being in my life.

I really think it was because our relationship fit together so perfect. There were no lies in the beginning (can't tell you the number of women I dated that had other 'boy friends' but denied it. One was even married but seperated.). We also took it slow. We only saw each other once a week at most and didn't sleep with each other or 'stay over' until we had dated for several months. I think space in the begining allowed us to really develop a bond.

My previous relationships were based on mostly sex or boredom. Also, many women had way too much baggage (braty kids, an ex husband, bills, emotional issues, etc.).

When I met a woman that liked me but obviously didn't 'need' me, I was hooked.

[StephiOKC]

Well being a single female...I can tell you the reasons I am still single. Most of the men I dated lied about the same things....1. stating they were single when they were married 2. invovled with someone "attached but looking" (if that makes any sense!) , 3. not wanting a commitment saying they had been hurt and not wanting to get hurt again, so they say they want "friends with benefits" 4. refuse to take responsilblity for any other their actions. 5. being hung up on women that are drug addicts, alcoholics, strippers, or just general underachievers looking for a free ride, men will say "she needs me and I feel for the children she has" or just because "she is hot" believing they can "change" them bring them home and make them a housewife...
I had one that wants a woman to support him! I have also heard that most men are still looking for the "fireworks" when they first see a woman, then they will know. I always question how this is going to happen in a bar when the beer goggles are on?
I think society in general has a distorted view of marriage and family. Living together , children out of wedlock, having affairs.... acceptable all with no consequences. loyalty is something that has been lost, If people would just try and build a relationship built on honesty and stick to commitments, taking pride in themselves we might get some headway.

[BailJumper]

Honestly, I had no real problem with all the games of the single life. It is what it is. The problem comes when people can't seperate 'typical single behavior' from reality.

Sure I lied to few girls (gave them a false name, told them I'd call, said I wasn't dating anyone else, etc.), dated the stripper or two to get it out of my system and enjoyed a few 'friends with benefits.' However, I knew better than to fall in love or lead someone to believe that we were in a committed relationship.

Even when I lived with someone (don't recommend it) we were clear that we had no intention of getting married.

Some people never mature out of that lifestlye and some do.

The people I feel for are those that were in a committed marriage that falls apart due to no fault of their own.

They are thrown into this world of lies and dissappointment after coming from a world of committment.

I think people should always be cautious when dating anyone (male/female) who is over the age of 35 that has never been married. Likewise, if they have been married and divorced more than twice, run, run, run!

[StephiOKC]

I applaud you bailjumper for being honest!
The only thing I dont agree with is the belief that "something is wrong" with someone 35 and over and never married. I have chose this. I personally have not meet an honest, good man that I would settle down with. I am not a troll, pyshco, or loser by any stretch of the means. I have many friends that have been caught up in the lies of a player also. Why would I choose to marry one of these players?I have a great career, good outlook on life in general and thankly common sense. You freely admit your past, how many other men do you think do this? Plenty. Women too. That is why most of us are single and over 35! Getting caught up in lies of another. Not that anything is wrong with us some of us, just have good sense. I do not accept lies or drama and will not put up with it in my life.
So finding a good decent man is exhausting especially when they are dating the strippers, emotionally unavailable or just flat out players, so they then become jaded on marriage and commitment.

[BailJumper]

Sorry, don't mean there is anything 'wrong' with a person that is over 35 and never married. I just mean that it may say alot about them as opposed to a person in their 20's.

But trust me, I have issues with many people who get married as soon as they turn 21 also.

If I hadn't been introduced to my wife, I very well would be a 30's single man.

What I meant is that a person who has gone 35+ years without marriage is going to be set in many of their ways.

Committment may not mean alot or it may mean so much that they are unable to find someone with the same values.

Often an older single person has a career, education and their habits. I think it makes it harder to find a match in many cases.

If, heaven forbid, my wife died tomorrow in a car accident, I would hate the idea of jumping into a world of single 30-somethings because I have routine that works for me and probably wouldn't for many other people.

Hope you see where I'm going. I know what I want to say, but don't have the energy to say it.

[Tracy]

What I meant is that a person who has gone 35+ years without marriage is going to be set in many of their ways.


I disagree.

In many cases, the situation can be quite the opposite. A person who is still single in their 30s may actually be MORE flexible and accepting because they've had time to sit back and evaluate their lives and consider what is really, truly important in a potential partner. There's a very good chance that they are more likely to compromise and change than someone who is younger because they're not as idealistic... they're (hopefully) mature enough to understand the value that can be found in someone that is not like them.

I, for one, am a little more open-minded than I was when I was 18-25.

I think people should always be cautious when dating anyone (male/female) who is over the age of 35 that has never been married.

I think this is a terrible thing to say. I am 34 and have never been married. It's not because I didn't want to be. Believe me, I've looked high and low and worked very hard at every relationship I've had... for various reasons, things didn't work out with any of them. I've never cheated on anyone... I've never lied or been abusive or taken advantage of them. I've done everything I could think of to make things work with anyone that I felt might be worth the effort. However, I suppose my one fatal "mistake", the one thing that has apparently put me in the "Danger Will Robinson" category of unmarried people approaching 35+, is that I didn't SETTLE. I didn't settle for anyone who treated me like crap, who brought me down, or simply didn't want me around. If that puts me in an undesirable category in the dating scene, then I guess I'm just screwed because even if I found someone tomorrow, I wouldn't know them long enough to feasibly consider breaking "the curse".

I'm not trying to be a bitch, but honestly... you can't just dump all unmarried people over the age of 35 into one category because there's too many reasons why a person is unmarried. Many times, it's no fault of their own.

[StephiOKC]

Tracy I think its easy for men and especially married men or married people in general to pass judgment on a single professional woman that has not been married. I chose to get a great career (not that I was not looking for men) and it hurts you to make more then men, or more educated....again a "curse"
Seems that were are judged all the way around. I know that men are threatned by women that have their own means of support (as with us) and feeling that we dont "need" them. That "need" factor again. Its about women being subservient to their man. Since they are not stepping up to the plate as they should, good thing we have our own means!

[BailJumper]

Ohhhhh, I have no problem with an educated, working woman. The closest i got to even considering marriage before taking the plunge was with a beautiful red head I had lived with for about a year. Then one day she proclaimed that she saw no need to go back to college and get her degree because she intended to be a house wife. That ended any consideration for marriage for me.

I am very attracted to the 'working woman.'

My 'set in their ways' had more to do with men than women. I have several single guy friends in their 30's. I doubt they will ever get married unless the right mom type comes along. They have their guy pals, their drinking places and their hunting, fishing and golfing days. I hear over and over - things were going great, then SHE actually expected me to not hang out with my guy friends as much or at all!

Also, many of them fool around with married women. I think this has caused a very negative feel for marriage and lots distrust.

One guy I know actually told a woman he's been seeing for a couple of years "I'm sorry but I could never marry you. When I met you, you cheated on your then husband with me. Now that your divorced, I don't want to get into the same situation as your ex. Sorry, I don't think you take marriage seriously enough." Yeah, I know, I rolled my eyes at him too.

[Deni]

I don't think men are threatened by a women that is smart or a professional, I think women are threatened to let their guards down when they are professionals. This is my way of thinking if I threaten a man because I am smart or have been married as one put it with baggage ( kids) then that man is not a man I want in my life.l have and will never again settle for the one I can just live with. I was always told dont settle for the one you can live with, choose the one you can't live without. Now on the other aspect of things, If a man sees my daughter or my ex as baggage by all means I can carry my own suitcase. I dont need him to fix anything, nothing in my life is broken. I dont want him to take care of me. I don't need a man, but if I want someone in my life that is a bigger compliment than me ever needing him. Babies need their moms, Wanting something is much better than needing them. As most of the married people know, You always understand why relationships dont work out. No one can tell me that they just dont understand why they have not found the right person. All we have to do is look inside, ask ourselves 3 major heart wrenching questions. Who am I ? What do I stand for? and what image or what do I show of myself? If you are happy with the answers you get I am sure you will find everything you are looking for. I am a professional woman that has "baggage" I am very proud of and I wont settle for a man that looks at my daughter as that. As far as ex's goes well that aint baggage that is the past and it is going to stay that way. What I do in the future has no bearings on what he does. I will always have that past, but my future is way brighter now. Keep a smile on your face, stop looking so hard and love will be there to find you.

[js2004]

When you start to get a little older in life you realize that anyone you get involved with is going to have baggage of one type or another. Whether that is kids or a bad experience with an ex-spouse or fiancee. We all have a little baggage. I have dated a woman that already had a kid and had no problem with it. The reason we broke was totally seperate from that issue. As long as you feel something for that person I don't think that should matter.

[Tracy]

I think there's a lot of people that actually PREFER someone with "baggage", whether they are consciously aware of it or not, because it makes them seem more human and attainable in the dating scene. They believe that person will better understand them and their shortcomings and will be less judgmental.

[Leon]

Well being a single female...I can tell you the reasons I am still single. Most of the men I dated lied about the same things....1. stating they were single when they were married 2. invovled with someone "attached but looking" (if that makes any sense!) , 3. not wanting a commitment saying they had been hurt and not wanting to get hurt again, so they say they want "friends with benefits" 4. refuse to take responsilblity for any other their actions. 5. being hung up on women that are drug addicts, alcoholics, strippers, or just general underachievers looking for a free ride, men will say "she needs me and I feel for the children she has" or just because "she is hot" believing they can "change" them bring them home and make them a housewife...
I had one that wants a woman to support him! I have also heard that most men are still looking for the "fireworks" when they first see a woman, then they will know. I always question how this is going to happen in a bar when the beer goggles are on?

Mercy, mercy, mercy, StephiOKC,....Don't you realize men are saying the same things about women....Can you acknowledge that they are true for both genders?

[Leon]

Ohhhhh, I have no problem with an educated, working woman. The closest i got to even considering marriage before taking the plunge was with a beautiful red head I had lived with for about a year. Then one day she proclaimed that she saw no need to go back to college and get her degree because she intended to be a house wife. That ended any consideration for marriage for me.

I am very attracted to the 'working woman.'

Tradition is gone!!!!! The housewife, staying at home to raise the kids is no more.....Step back to the time when it was the norm and it may still be possible. But if that housewife wants her own car...cell phones for everyone, cable TV, to eat out five times a week, lawn service, pool service, etc.,....one income doesn't cover all that.

[StephiOKC]

Leon I bet you are right. I see men and women that stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons everyday. Hence, lies and infidelity. I am speaking from my experiences. You are involved with someone so why does all this matter to you?

[Leon]

I just find peoples' behavior interesting. I think I missed my calling to a different profession.

[allseeingeye]

I can only speak for myself but women want a guy that is aggressive and takes charge but when he committs, she can't understand why she can't CONTROL him. I won't be controlled and I don't want to control her. If everyone at work is going out for a drink after work and I want to go, I'm going to call and tell her where I'm going, not ask if I can go!!! If she wants to come along, GREAT, meet me there. But she's not going to tell me I can't go. If I have even the slightest feeling that she wants to be controlling, I'm gone.

[Oh GAWD the Smell!]

What are the reasons why we fellas don't commit?....

We're still looking elsewhere?

Don't feel it's reciprocated?

She's still shopping around/looking?

Where do we get our security?

Personally...Dating after 30, all I've been getting is women ready to explode in a shower of worn-out biological clock parts. Every woman I've dated in the last 5-10 years has wanted to get married within 6 months of our first date. They seem to be more worried about getting married than to whom they get married. It really puts an extra element of tension in a relationship that can taint the whole experience.

I'm not saying that all my relationships have been that way, or that it's always a bad thing, but c'mon...Don't pressure me to get married and have babies after mere months of dinners and movies. I'm sure I'll get married at some point, but certainly not because I'm 35 and I'm "supposed" to be married and have 2.5 children at this point in life. I'll get married when I meet somebody that makes me feel like I couldn't do without them.

[soonerborn]

I've dated a lot great people in recent years but no one has produced that spark that tells me that they're the one. I jumped the gun a little too soon the first time around and I'm content to wait until the right one comes along. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the search.

[BaconCheeseburgerDeluxe]

Everyone I have talked to that has found the one found them by accident. It is just something that happens. They spent time with somone and the next thing they new they fell for them and vice versa.

In other words, if you search for love it will never find you. If you relax and let love find you, it will happen and it will be in away you would least expect.

[RussBraaten]

I have no problem with marriage or a serious commitment. I hate being alone. I have found women who don't want to commit. They complain that they are single and no one wants to commit to them but even after years of many men who are willing to marry them, they are still single and complaining about the same thing.

[cfox]

I'm not afraid to commit. I'll gladly commit to the right person. What I'm afraid of is committing to a "chameleon"

[Oh GAWD the Smell!]

I'm not afraid to commit. I'll gladly commit to the right person. What I'm afraid of is committing to a "chameleon"

I would LOVE to date a girl that changed colors. Especially if her cheeks were like a mood ring. That would make a relationship SO much easier. I'd be able to tell if "I don't care" meant "I don't care" instead of "do it and I'll cut your peener off when you sleep" because she'd turn puce first.

[Dustbowl]

Dustbowl's Excellent Adventure:

Married twice, one my fault the other hers. Single for five years now. I don't LOOK for women to date and I don't have a problem getting dates. They just sort of happen. I've dated the "upper crust", the working girl, the professional, the artist, the psycho, the mother, the man hater and even a lesbian. She thought I was cute. Let's not go there.

I don't like to make judgments and I try to realize that we are all fooked up one way or the other. Compatibility is the most important thing for me. I hate conflict and I won't put up with head games for very long. If you like me fine, if you don't that's fine too, just tell me.

Love yourself first before you try to find a mate or accept a mate.

I have a friend who says all women fall into one or more of these categories:
1. I want a baby.
2 I want money.
3. I want security.
4 I want to control you.

I'm not saying he is right. Tough area when it comes to finding what fits and what doesn't.

Oh yeah, and if either of you own a business or have more than $25,000 in assets the word is PRENUP, PRENUP, PRENUP. Kids excluded of course. Pay your damn child support and stay involved with your children's lives. You didn't divorce the kids moron.

[PennyQuilts]

I think a lot of professional women in their thirties and forties chalk up a lack of men to their allegedly being threatened by their success.

I doubt it. I'm a professional and as near as I can tell, that has never been a problem for men who aren't a mess, anyway.