The official joke thread

[mranderson]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

[Intrepid]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has
a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[mranderson]

Top Ten Signs The Police Chief Doesn't Like You
1) He refers to you as "our mascot".
2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
3) Your locker is also the broom closet.
4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject".
5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.
6) He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia. 10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

[mranderson]

Top Ways to Fail A Driver's Test
1) Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2) Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
3) Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4) Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5) When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6) When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, "Oops."
7) Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
8) After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
9) Fill your car with beer bottles.
10) The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
11) Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
12) In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13) When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
14) Beep your horn at everything. 15) Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

What to not say to the nice policeman:

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

[mranderson]

Computer Points to Ponder

1) Do Viruses ever get sick?
2) Do witches run spell checkers?
3) Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck?
4) How come programmers find it so easy to master the special language that runs
computers, yet those same folks who write the technical manuals for the rest of us have no grip on simple English?
5) How come the users can find all the computer bugs and not the programmers or analysts?
6) How do you press F1 when your PC has a keyboard error or no keyboard present?
7) If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
8) If Ignorance is Bliss, then why aren't there more happy Windows 98 users?
9) Is AOL so expensive because someone has to pay for those free disks?
10) Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key?
11) Why do most software developers call bugs they can't fix, features?
12) Just where is the "any" key anyway?
13) Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete?
14) Why do they call it a hard disk if its damaged with the slightest impact? 15) Why do we trust computers when they make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 people working 20 years make?

[mranderson]

Hotel Funnies
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it."

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

[Keith]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news". The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. "The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."


Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Keith]

You know you're old when....

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building
.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You can eat dinner at 4:00

- You can live without sex but not without glasses.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You send money to PBS.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

[Keith]

>PREACHER AND HIS SON

> An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it
>was getting time the boy should give some thought to
>choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy
>didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't
>seem too concerned about it.

> One day, while the boy was away at school, his
>father decided to try an experiment. He went into the
>boy's room and placed on his study table three
>objects: >a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

> "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher
>said to himself, "and when he comes home from school
>this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If
>it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,
>and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
>dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
>be okay, too . But if he picks up the bottle, he's
>going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a
>shame that would be."

> The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his
>son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and
>headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed,
>and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
>objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
>walked over to inspect them.

> Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
>his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it
>into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
>drink.

> "Lord have mercy,"the old man whispered, "he's gonna
>be a Congressman!"

[SoonerDave]

An elderly couple was relaxing on their back porch one day, enjoying a pleasant afternoon.

After a time, the husband turns to his wife and says, "I think I'd like some ice cream. Can I get you some?"

She replies, "No, no thanks."

"Are you sure? It's no trouble."

"Well, okay. I'll take a bit."

The husband then asks, "Would you like some whipped cream on top?"


Getting a bit peeved, the wife answers, "No, no, no, you'll forget about it anyway because you're making it too complicated. Just bring me the ice cream."

He tells her "No, I won't forget. I'll give you some whipped cream."

She sighs in exasperation, "Okay, fine, but you're gonna forget it!!"

"No I won't", he assures her.

"One last thing....how about a cherry on top!"

Now she's getting entire put out by the details when she didn't really want the ice cream in the first place. "NO! No cherry on top. YOU WILL FORGET ABOUT IT! Just bring me the ice cream!"

The husband assures her, "I promise, I won't forget about it. I'll bring you some ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

The elderly man disappears in the house...and is gone...and gone...and gone...and gone...

Four hours later, the man returns to his wife with a two plates of scrambled eggs and bacon.

The wife screams at him, "I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT..Your memory is so bad..I KNEW you'd mess it up!!!!"

Perplexed, he asks "What's wrong??"

She tells him, "YOU FORGOT THE TOAST!!"

-sd

[Martin]

^
that's pretty funny. ok... ok... i'll go.



there were three couples that were wanting to get into the baptist church, so they met with the pastor and he said to them, "that's wonderful, but we do have this requirement for new parishioners." he explained, ''you have to abstain from sex for two weeks. do you think you can do that?"

"ok. fine, we'll try.", they all said.

so... they came back two weeks later and the pastor turned to the first couple, an elderly couple, and he asked, "were you able to... you know... do what i asked?"

the couple said, "oh sure, no problem... it didn't bother us at all." the pastor said, "great, welcome to the baptist church."

then he turned to the second couple, a middle-aged couple and he asked, "were you able to... you know... abstain?"

they said, "well... the first week was pretty easy but the second week we had to be careful and sleep in separate beds... but yes, we got through the two weeks."

the pastor said, "fine, welcome to the baptist church."

then he turned to the third couple, a young couple and said, "were you able to..."

the husband interrupted and said, "well, actually reverend... the second day, my wife reached up for a lightbulb off the top shelf... and she dropped it... and she bent over to pick it up... and i could not help myself. we made love right there on the floor."

"WELL...", said the pastor, "you're certainly not welcome in the baptist church."

"i don't care.", the man said. "apparently we're not welcome in the grocery store, either."


-M (with apologies to garrison keillor)

[Keith]

WHY DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don't criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
10. Dogs don't cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
20. A dog's parents never visit.

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

[Keith]

Subject: Princesses

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

Subject: *Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums*

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear right until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


Subject: Perks Of Being Over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Subject: Married For A Night

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own darn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted

[SoonerDave]

Okay, here are a few more:

Definition of Eternity:

Four blondes driving four different cars, all meeting at an intersection with a four-way stop sign.

Getting a Ticket:

A blonde is driving around town in her sports car. She mindlessly starts enjoying the car's power too much, pushing the accelerator and racing past the speed limit. A female police officer starts in pursuit, pulls the car over, and walks up to the car.

"License, please," says the officer.

"License? What's that??" comes the confused reply, as she starts fumbling in her purse...

Now getting irritated, the officer says "It's that little flat thing with your picture on it."

Suddenly, the blonde pulls her compact out of her purse, opens it up, and hands it to the officer.

The officer takes the compact, looks into it, and gasps, "Well, honey, if I'd known you were a police officer, I'd never have pulled you over!!"

-------------------------------

Q: You know how to top a car?

A: Tep on the brake, toopid...

------------------------------

Definition of "mixed emotions":

Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

-----------------------------

A new local pastor was making the visitation rounds in his small town when he came upon the home of a very pleasant elderly lady. She welcomed him into the house, and they began a nice conversation. After a time, the lady excused herself for a moment, whereupon the pastor noticed that it was approaching lunchtime, and he was getting hungry.

Not willing to interrupt the conversation merely to satisfy his lunch cravings, the pastor noticed a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. Without asking, he grabbed a handful and scarfed them down. He immediately felt guilty for not having asked first.

Upon the lady's return, she sat down, and the pastor couldn't contain himself. "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I have to tell you that I took a handful of your peanuts from the bowl without asking. That was very rude of me, and I'm sorry."

To which the lady replied, "That's ok, dear, I'm allergic to peanuts, so they're no good to me after I suck off all the chocolate....."

----------------------------------

An older lady was navigating through a congested parking lot, when she finally found a spot. Just as she was preparing to turn in to the space, a fast, slick sports car screams out of nowhere, cuts her off, and takes the space from her. Exiting the car is a young smart aleck, who sneers back at her and says "Young and fast, lady, young and fast," and he runs into the store.

A few minutes later, the guy exits the store, and to his shock he sees the elderly lady repeatedly backing up and smashing into his sports car over and over!!! Running to the remains of the car, he screams "What are you doing???" To which the old lady replied, "Old and slow, dear, old and slow."

-----------------------------

An old west wagon was traveling down a dusty trail, seemingly lost, when the driver comes upon a man with his ear to the ground. Fearing he was lost, the driver sought to ask directions.

Before he could inquire directions of the man, he noticed the man seemingly listening to the ground, saying "Fourteen horses. Cattle. Woman having baby in wagon...."

The driver, incredulous, asked the man, "Can you actually hear all that??"

The man answered, "No, they just ran over me 15 minutes ago."

---------------------------

A man ran a local saloon, and did a pretty brisk business in his old west town. But one day, he heard screams in the streets, and a few people rushed in screaming "BIG JAKE IS COMING!!!! BIG JAKE IS COMING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

Screaming led to more screaming, and more people urged the bartender to close down and run for his life. As he scrambled to shut down the saloon and get out of town, he heard this horrendous *CRASH* *CRASH* *CRASH* of huge footsteps coming down the street. "Oh, no! I'm too late!" he thought to himself....

Through the door comes this huge, hulking, smelly, mean, monstrous man. He stomps and crushes each table as he approaches the bar. He gets to the bar and screams "WHISKEY!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!"

The bartender, fearing for his life, quakingly poured a jigger of whiskey, and the man scarfs it down almost instantly.

"Do you want another?" the bartender asks..

To which the man replied, "Heavens, no; I don't have time. BIG JAKE IS COMING!!""

---------------------------------------

A restaurant had a slow day. One afternoon, the host is startled to see a big black and white panda bear ambling through the front door.

"May I help you?" asks the host?

"I'm hungry. I'd like some supper," replies the panda.

The host guides the bear to a table, and hands him a menu. After perusing it for a time, the panda sighs disappointedly and says, "Don't you have anything with bamboo in it?"

The host, not knowing what to think, says "Well, let me go talk to the owner and see what I can find."

The host goes back to the owner and tells him what the panda wants, and tells him "believe it or not, I actually have a few scraps of bamboo chutes we can cook up for him." So he took them to the cook, prepared them as best he could, and delivered it to the panda.

The bear was delighted, and munched down his supper happily. He then got up, and started to walk out of the restaurant.

"Excuse me, but you have to pay your check," warned the host.

"No I don't, I'm a panda. Look it up." replied the bear.

"Yes, you do!" replied the indignant host.

At that point, the panda pulled out a gun and proceeded to shoot the host.

The owner, hearing the commotion, runs to the floor and sees the host and the bear, and rages indignantly at the bear, "You can't just shoot people like that!"

"Yes, I can. I'm a panda. It's in the dictionary. Look it up," said the bear as he ambled out of sight.

Stunned by the events, the owner looks for a dictionary, and under the heading of "Panda" sees these words:

"Eats chutes and leaves" (say it out loud).

(aren't you glad you stayed for that one?)

--------------------------

-SoonerDave

[Martin]

a cowboy walked into a bar, dressed head-to-toe in paper. his shirt was made of paper. his pants were paper. his boots, his chaps, his hat, his vest... all paper. even his spurs were made out of tissue paper.

pretty soon, they arrested him for rustling.

-M

[bandnerd]

Why was the musician arrested?

He got in treble.

[MadMonk]

Why was the musician arrested?

He got in treble.

*groan*

Speaking of music...

Q:Why do flute players leave their instruments on the dashboard?

A:So they can park in the handicap spaces.

[bandnerd]

Hey now, I'm a flutist lol

[TonyPresser]

A blonde college student decided she needed some new clothes but had no money. Thinking she could earn some by doing "handiwork," she went to an upscale neighborhood and knocked on the first door she came to. When a man came to the door she told him she needed money and was willing to work for it.

"Well," the man said, "let's see. Can you do painting?"

She said she certainly could, and he told her that his porch in the back needed painting and he would pay her to do that. Then he asked how much she would charge for the job. She went around to the back of the house and a minute later returned and told the man she would do it for $50. That was a bargain as far as he was concerned, so he told her where the painting materials were and she went to work.

About two hours later, she knocked on the door again. When the man answered, she said she was finished and had enough paint for two coats. The man gave her the $50 and, as she was leaving, she said, "By the way, sir, that's not a porch back there, it's a Lexus."

[GrandMaMa]

I knew I would feel stupid when I got the answer.

That just tells you where my mind is... alcohol.

I need a vacation on a tropical island with umbrella drinks.

Did everyone else get it or is it just me???


:stars:

I got it.

[mranderson]

When I went to get gas, I saw this woman. I forgot her hair color. She had this tire valve coming out of her neck. So, she goes to the air station, takes the hose, attatches it to her neck, and presses the trigger. Her head grew larger, and larger. Finally, she stopped. I asked her a question, which she answered the opposite of what it should have been.

Humm. I guess that makes her an airhead.

[bandnerd]

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

[mranderson]

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble...

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Thanksgiving...and paying their own way."

[Todd]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot and dropped the bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now Im going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Oklahoma. We settle small disagreements like with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."




[I love this part....]





The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

[Keith]

Online Too Long
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long


1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.

35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".