Question for the ladies

[Curt]

When do you not freak out when a guy says the "L" word to you?...I guess I should say how far into a relationship is it ok for us guys to use the dreaded "L" word?....

Reason I ask...I have been seeing someone a couple months now and have been very careful...she has invited me over several times for dinner and for the night...she has stayed the night at my house and even finally had me meet her kids...something she told me she doesnt do unless she is serious about someone... because as she said we are dating now...which is good with me...trust me I want this.

But last night when I was hanging up talking to her I slipped and said "Love Ya"...not I love you...just love ya...she about panicked and told me she cant say the same thing to me...so where did I go wrong?...I am very scared now to show my feelings to her.

[OklaCity_75]

When do you not freak out when a guy says the "L" word to you?...I guess I should say how far into a relationship is it ok for us guys to use the dreaded "L" word?....

Reason I ask...I have been seeing someone a couple months now and have been very careful...she has invited me over several times for dinner and for the night...she has stayed the night at my house and even finally had me meet her kids...something she told me she doesnt do unless she is serious about someone... because as she said we are dating now...which is good with me...trust me I want this.

But last night when I was hanging up talking to her I slipped and said "Love Ya"...not I love you...just love ya...she about panicked and told me she cant say the same thing to me...so where did I go wrong?...I am very scared now to show my feelings to her.

Time to hand over your man card......

Just joking.

Mariner you never never never never never say the L word until your arm has been twisted.


Just my thoughts from a guys prospective.

[Curt]

Oklacity...you are absolutely correct...those words will never again come out of my mouth until she says it first...LOL...what a dumbass I was to say such a thing.

[My4sonsjrbm]

Mariner, my husband and I had only been dating for six weeks when he told me he loved me. I was able to tell him the same thing. We were married three and a half months later. It was fast, but when it is right, why wait? We've been married almost 15 years now and it has been a good 15 years. Not without struggles, but we have a good, solid marriage.

As a woman I think it is right to tell the person you are dating that you love them, when you realize that you do. Whether that's one week, one month or one year into dating.

If you truly love this woman and you think that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, then definately be honest. She may not be at your level of love or committment yet, but tell her how you feel and that you are willing to wait until she feels the same way.

[Karried]

I wondered where you've been!

Here's the plan... give her a day or two ... don't call her!! Repeat Do NOT Call !!!

I'm telling you - let the balance of power shift a bit more in your favor. I'm serious about this.. let her miss you a little bit, make her want to call you... I know it sounds like game playing but if she is gun shy and you moved too quickly, she might just pull away.

This will be the hardest thing for you because you want to call her and you want to explain your feelings - be strong!
Anyway, I just feel that she needs to feel the thrill of the chase and if you call her, she has you... hook, line and sinker.. whipped, broken, captured - okay, I'm exaggerating so you can get the point. Do not pick up that phone... repeat do not pick up that phone.. do not go over and God Forbid you send flowers or a card. I know you are going to want to, it's natural. But stop yourself.. remember, the thrill of the chase, let her miss you and chase you - this will be the great equalizer.

I'm not the expert but I remember this dance well. Don't call.. this coming from someone who has been in a few longggg term relationships.. the last one nearly 20 years. That's makes me sound so old! I started young..

One more time, You always want something you can't have.. don't call tonight. Email me if you want to talk..

[OklaCity_75]

Thank you Karrie that is what I was hoping one you ladies would come back and say.


Karrie is right take a leave of absence from the situation. Wait for her to call you and when she does do not jump and answer the phone on the first ring. Let her leave a message and then wait a little bit maybe even a day or so to call her back.

Mariner even though some women will say they want a mushy guy that says I love you most do not want that. They want a guy they have to work to obtain. They want a guy who is a guy and is sometimes a pain in the ass.

That is why you see almost every nice guy still single and every jerk paired up. I am not saying be an ass toward her. I am saying be a little challenging and things will probably work out.

[Curt]

Thank you ladies....both of you have some very good advice. I do feel that when you realize you have feelings for someone you should let them know...honestly and carefully. Although all my past experiences have shown that that scares them away. Alot of things she has said to me lately has led me to think she has feelings also..thats why I finally told her my feelings. I usually dont call her because she is busy with school and two kids so I let her call me when she has the time..and usually that is after 9 in the evening..I have not given her flowers yet because I did not want to freak her out.Karrie I'll e mail you later and thank you both for your advice.And yes that is where I have been...but maybe I need to back off a little huh?

[My4sonsjrbm]

I don't want to demean the advise of Karrie, but I really don't agree. A relationship is not about playing games and that's what that sounds like to me. OKC 75 you say "some women will say they want a mushy guy that says I love you most do not want that. They want a guy they have to work to obtain. They want a guy who is a guy and is sometimes a pain in the ass." THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! My husband is a very nice guy, no a jerk at all and he's paired up...with me! I'm so lucky to have him.

Karrie, did have a good idea. She said, "You always want something you can't have.. " I suggest that you refrain from any more "sleep overs." Respect yourself and her enough to wait for such intimacy. If your relationship is not serious and not headed for marriage, then don't bring something so sacred and personal as intimacy into it.

Are you looking to get married? Remember, that you always end up marrying someone you date. Is she wife material? Does she have the qualities you want in your future wife? Is she a good mother to her children? Is she kind, patient and respectful? Do you fight and argue now because if you do it will only get worse after marriage. Are her priorities in the right order? Do you two have the same long term goals? Do you share the same religion? These are some questions you should be asking.
Anyone in a dating relationship should be asking these kinds of questions.
I am the mother of four sons and this is what I will tell them when they start to date become serious with a girl, so forgive me if I sound too motherly. Natural instinct, I guess.

[Curt]

I don't want to demean the advise of Karrie, but I really don't agree. A relationship is not about playing games and that's what that sounds like to me. OKC 75 you say "some women will say they want a mushy guy that says I love you most do not want that. They want a guy they have to work to obtain. They want a guy who is a guy and is sometimes a pain in the ass." THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! My husband is a very nice guy, no a jerk at all and he's paired up...with me! I'm so lucky to have him.

Karrie, did have a good idea. She said, "You always want something you can't have.. " I suggest that you refrain from any more "sleep overs." Respect yourself and her enough to wait for such intimacy. If your relationship is not serious and not headed for marriage, then don't bring something so sacred and personal as intimacy into it.

Are you looking to get married? Remember, that you always end up marrying someone you date. Is she wife material? Does she have the qualities you want in your future wife? Is she a good mother to her children? Is she kind, patient and respectful? Do you fight and argue now because if you do it will only get worse after marriage. Are her priorities in the right order? Do you two have the same long term goals? Do you share the same religion? These are some questions you should be asking.
Anyone in a dating relationship should be asking these kinds of questions.
I am the mother of four sons and this is what I will tell them when they start to date become serious with a girl, so forgive me if I sound too motherly. Natural instinct, I guess.

To answer some of your questions...and I never thought I'd say this...trust me I never thought I would...Yes I do feel that at 44 years of age I am ready to settle down with someone...this one came when I gave up looking. I simply answerd on online request for someone looking for a workout partner, and knowing how I am I wont workout unless someone is pushing me to do it..well the workout thing never really happend but we did met for drinks once and I had her over for dinner once and she had me over a couple times...I never made a move until I saw definate signs she wanted me to...Yes she is a good mother and the only honest woman I have met here..really she has good values and wont even live with someone unless she is married to them...she along with her brother were raised by their grandmother because their mom left their dad when they were little and the dad was too busy sleeping around to raise them...Yes I want this more than I have ever wanted it...but I have a really bad feeling...especially after the e mail I got from her today...now I wonder if I did or said something wrong and I want to call her but know I shouldnt bother her right now...she just said she got some real bad news in the mail today and needed to think about something.

[Karried]

she just said she got some real bad news in the mail today and needed to think about something.

This was after your slip last night wasn't it?

Mariner, if she wasn't tripping out on you saying I love you, then I wouldn't advocate 'playing games' which I really don't consider this to be. I'm calling it leveling the playing field. If she is scared or worried because of past relationships and she feels that you are more into her right now.. she might be wanting to pull away a bit as a protective measure.

I just think the more you chase her the faster she'll go.. you decide.. imo, I would call upon every ounce of will power I had and not call nor email for a day or two. (Maybe a very brief email saying 'if you need to talk, I'm here for you" or something letting her know you are concerned about her problem but not pining away dying that she might leave).

I would repeat endlessly, 'you always want what you can't have' but hey, like I've said, I'm not the expert... you can always follow your heart like mom4boys advocates.. let us know which way works for you, I think I already know the end result.

[Curt]

Yes it is after my slip Karrie...what a dumbass I am.

[Curt]

Karrie....check your mail

[OklaCity_75]

would not beat yourself up over it. For all you know she could be one of these professional daters. The type that will just see someone for the sake of not being alone. They never initiate intimate contact and sometimes they forbid it.

They use other people until in their opinion something better comes along.

Move on to other things in your life do not sweat this one.

Me personally I am starting grow comfortable to this concept of being single. I have been single at this point for seven years now. For all I care I could go seven more or longer.

[Leon]

Just thinking about the L word now scares me! Thinking about feeling it scares me even.

[Faith]

Mariner, if she calls you I would definitely pick up the phone. If you don't and wait a day or two then she might feel like you have "freaked out" on her because she told you she wasn't ready to say that. Just be honest with her is my opinion. I wouldn't bring it up again though unless she does first. Then just be honest with her and let her know that it is okay that she doesn't have those feelings... that you are not trying to pressure her or your relationship at all. That you just want to have a good time with her and enjoy her company without pressuring her. If she freaked out over it and you really do like her, I would let her make the moves on advancement to the next level. But if it goes on like this for a very long time then you might want to consider cutting it off for your own sanity!

[Karried]

Curt, you're not a dumbass, you are a wonderful loving person and you felt something special and did what any normal loving person would do... you wanted to share it with her.. it is her that has a hangup.. not you - don't you dare beat yourself up over this.. I can't believe how many nice ladies out here would love to have you in thier lives and have someone who would say I love you... don't trip - I agree with the above posters and like okcgodess says .. if she calls then yes talk to her but try not to call her first for a day or two.

Hang in there , it's probably not a big deal.. give her some space and a little time. I wrote you back... you know you have friends here.

[Curt]

Well you all might as well know what an ass I am...and freaked about nothing...doesnt say much for me I guess. She quit her part time job about a week ago to go back to school full time and trying to raise two kids, work part time and go back to school was hard...seeing there was no future at UPS she followed her heart and it backfired...they denied her student loan for the summer classes and her family is telling her what an idot she is...She did call me tonight and things are as they have been...I will not however push it or show my feelings...I'll just treat it as a freindship thing and let her decide what she wants...I know what I want already...As I think I said before...finding an honest sincere woman up here is rare...and I feel she is one of the few up here so I really want to hang on to it...Thanks for everyones advice and it all paid off...Karrie thank you for e mailing me...I hang my head in shame now....but the question still remains...when will I know if or when to let the feelings show..........

[Karried]

Curt in the beginning stages of a relationship it is always so confusing... that's what makes the infatuation period so exciting. You never know what the other is feeling and you don't take one another for granted.

Let things evolve naturally but I would suggest that you still refrain from being overly aggressive in pursuing her - I truly do believe that it is healthy to not make yourself 100% available and always there at the beck and call of your partner.. keep some of your old interests and friends.. don't lose yourself completely and she'll stay interested in you ( she was interested in the person who had other friends and interests other than her .. people become boring when they give up everyone and everything for the new partner plus it puts too much pressure on her to be everything to you)

Once you start feeling more secure then you won't worry so much about the little things .. there is no shame involved.. we all need people to bounce ideas off of.. just don't stay away so much! We miss you!

[Curt]

Thanks Karrie...I obviously started this thread out of confusion and insecurity...and feel somewhat like an ass right now..I have done what I tell other guys not to do...over react and fall to fast..I guess sometimes we are good at giving advice but when in the same situation as another not following our own advice...No I will not give up my freinds..male or female...she has many male friends but I'll try to not let that bother me...I have met several of them and I dont see any reason to be concerned...and I'll still go on about my normal buisness...putting the ball totally in her court now is what I'll do...she knows I am interested now it's all up to her.Right now I'll be supportive of her schooling and not get in the way of that..and I sure wont get in the way or take time away from her kids and herself..dont want the mommy bear to apear and rip my head off