Complacency in Marriage

[Karried]

Given that everything in life worth having requires work, why do so many people get comfortable, let themselves go and simply take their spouse for granted until it's too late?

Question.. You marry someone who is drop dead gorgeous, very in shape, works out, very fashionably dressed, applies tasteful makeup daily.. could be a lingerie model..

Fast forward ten years .. a few kids later, gained a lot of weight, doesn't work out, wears sweats around the house, flannels to bed, frumpy style, doesn't fix hair or make up anymore...

Is it okay for a husband to request that his wife take an interest in looking nice, things like wearing makeup, nice hair, wearing lingerie to bed or should he just accept that because she had his children, he should no longer expect her to take care of herself?

Is it superficial to expect your spouse to want to look their best when with you or should marriage be more comfortable, relaxing and 'accept me as I am' kind of thing? This could work both ways.. for men and women.

There are many newlyweds on this site.. just so you might relate to this question, how would you feel if soon after you are married your spouse changes completely?

Thoughts?

[OklaCity_75]

I am the last one to claim I am an authority on marriage. The closest I ever got was an engagement I later broke off because she changed and was not the person I fell in love with.

If I am lucky enough to ever get married I think I will follow the path my grandparents followed. It was as if they were always dating. They rarely got mad at each other and they were always active and doing something. He always went out of his way to keep her happy. She did her best to take care of him and keep him in line.

I think the key to keeping a healthy marriage is to have the mentality that your still courting even though your married. In other words you always want to look your best for them. You always want to keep them guessing and the romance on fire.

I think most people have the mentality of once the ring is in place the courtship is over.

Then again these days most people do not take enough time to enjoy the courtship. Once they fall in love they want to run off and get married.

[Karried]

Thanks Oklacity 75....

I guess I'm wondering if it really superficial to want your spouse to remain somewhat attractive even after many years? And if they don't, does that equal a breach of contract in some people's view? Does that make it easier to justify adultery or leaving?

I like to hear your thoughts on this ... I had a huge discussion about this subject recently with a man and we got into a huge debate and it made me wonder how others feel about this.. input anyone?

[Oki_Man5]

Wouldn't it be nice if age did not take its toll!

As far as changing, it is according to the change and whether the spouse had control over it.

If a guy (let's say guy since I am a guy.) desires a slim and trim "hottie," and that is whom he marries, and she immediately sits her butt on the couch and eats herself into a round ball, I would say that is somewhat considered by me a just cause to dump her. The reverse would be too if a guy wanted a butterball, and she lost the weight.

But if there were some problem that caused it out of her control---like a medical problem---then, I think he should stand by his woman.

Now, if you get deeper into something like drugs, alcohol, or such wherin she got hooked on drugs and is ruining the family, that might be cause to dump her.

Ah! Sex! Hypothetically---She liked it before the "I Do's" were said, but immediately thereafter for no medical reason, she quit likeing it even to the point she used it as a weapon; then, she should be dumped before the guy ties up too many of his resources in her.

I will shush with that.

Pete

[OklaCity_75]

Thanks Oklacity 75....

I guess I am wondering if it superficial to want your spouse to remain somewhat attractive even after many years? In addition, if they don't, does that equal a breach of contract in some people's view? Does that make it easier to justify adultery or leaving?

I like to hear your thoughts on this ... I had a huge discussion about this subject recently with a man and we got into a huge debate and it made me wonder how others feel about this... input anyone?

I do not think it is superficial to want your spouse to stay attractive. I think that comes with anything one value's. If you truly value something, you tend to take better care of it. Just like, you do your home, your car, your wardrobe. I can see your point of view.

I would think if someone truly loved their significant other, they would keep themselves looking good. Taking care of yourself will help you in more ways that you will ever know.

People who properly groom and exercise regularly tend to have a better attitude towards life. In my opinion letting yourself go is more or less saying you do not care anymore. Not carrying about your appearance and attitude can lead your significant other to go find something better.

[My4sonsjrbm]

I have been married for almost 15 years. I have four kids, which means I have been pregnant four times. When my husband I and got married I weighed 95 lbs. (I'm only 5 feet tall). I now weight 125. He weighed 180. He now weighs 230. I still look at him and think he's a hunk! He still sees beauty in me even when I don't. I do not wear make up each day. I try to wear some if we're going on a date or to church, but I just don't have the time to mess with make up on a daily basis. Around the house I wear rather casual clothes even sweats sometimes and he does the same thing. I've even gone to the grocery store with no make up, wearing dirty sweats and my hair in a messy pony tail.
The first thing that attracted me to my husband was his physical appearance, but that has become not so much an issue as the years have passed. I love him more deeply now than I did when we first married. We have been through some pretty rough times and my love and respect for him has grown and deepened. I know that he feels the same way.
When a marriage is based on superficial ideals such as appearance, money, social status, then when those things fade or go away, and in time they usually will, then divorce is going to happen. When marriage or any relationship is based on deeper values and mutal respect then anything can be overcome.
My husband could gain 100 more pounds and I'd still love him and I would not leave him just because he was not as attractive as when I married him. I don't want him to gain more weight and I'd like him to lose some weight just because of the health issues. I want him to be healthy. Because a healthier person is a happier person as someone pointed out in an earlier post.
My husband has so many other good qualities than I can see and admire that his weight or his appearance is just not as important as it used to be.
Let me say though that I'm not talking about personal hygiene. That's a whole other issue and would definately need to be addressed, but that's not an issue for us.
Marriage is wonderful, but it is work. Even a good marriage takes work and compromise and respect. But the payoff is wonderful. I can't imagine my life without my husband or my children. We are not rich as to the worlds standards, but I feel very wealthy when I am with my family.

[escan]

I think it's more the health issues than appearance. If a person is complacent in excercising or eats "bad" foods, etc, then that's just selfish.....not in the way that they look, but in how their life will play out. My husband and I both take care of ourselves because we know that the health benefits down the road will (hopefully) allow us to enjoy more active,longer lives with our family. If a woman or man allows themselves to get heavy, you are taking active years away from your loved ones. An example: I saw a very overweight woman at the Hornets game...she and her child (about 10-12) were going up to their seats. She couldn't make it up the stairs and couldn't fit in the seats...her daughter cried because they had to go back downstairs and talk someone into letting them sit in the handicap seats. IMO, if there is not a medical condition disallowing that woman from physical activity, she is doing her family a disservice....those should be the happiest times in their life; taking your child to a game, etc., but they were marred by her obesity.

NOW,I will admit that there are added benefits to excercising and eating well (outside of the positive way it affects your health). We still, after six years of marriage, wear the same size clothes that we did when we met more than eight years ago! Plus,it never hurts when swimsuit season rolls around.

[Karried]

I thought the women on the board would react the way they are reacting ...

I want to hear from the guys too....

If your once gorgeous bride who always took care of herself before marriage turned into Jabba the Hut over the years, would you mind?

I see men all the time looking at other women even when they are with their dates and wives ... men are very visual - what do you guys think?

[OklaCity_75]

Karrie I think most marriages end these days because the person they married is not the person they know now.

They let themselves go, they become overly cranky about everything and they feel that the vows of marriage will always be a safety net.

I am willing to admit I would not like it if my bride let herself go especially if she looked like Jabba the Hut. Before it got that bad I would have to speak up and suggest we both get active and loose some excess baggage.

[Keith]

I thought the women on the board would react the way they are reacting ...

I want to hear from the guys too....

If your once gorgeous bride who always took care of herself before marriage turned into Jabba the Hut over the years, would you mind?

I see men all the time looking at other women even when they are with their dates and wives ... men are very visual - what do you guys think?

25 years ago, when my wife and I got married, she was very slender and so was I. Over the years we have both gained weight, and we are both trying to do something about it. She goes to tan and tone, and she is very adament about losing weight. I don't do tan and tone, but I do exercise quite a bit. We both have the middle age rollover in our mid section, but it does not hurt our relationship.

I love to see her wear make-up, however, she doesn't wear make up all the time....and it doesn't bother me. I figure that if I don't shave for a couple of days, then she doesn't have to wear make-up. The fact is, some ladies don't need make-up because they have natural beauty.

We both take care of our personal hygiene, because it is so important to smell good when you are together. When we married, her hair was real long, and mine was kind of long. Now, her hair is very short and I always wear a buzz cut. Our appearance has changed over the years, and so have our likes and dislikes, but I feel our love is stronger today than it was when we got married.

Of course, I am a man and I am human, so I do look at beautiful women. God put women on this earth for us to enjoy their beauty. As long as it is one look and no touch, then looking at other women is not a sin or a crime. It's that second look, then the third look,...that's when the lustfull thoughts begin and things get out of hand.

One other thing.......I work with 8 women in my office, and I would have to say that 6 out of the eight are very attractive. Beauty, however, is only skin deep in many cases. These ladies may be attractive on the outside, but I have been around them long enough to know their moods, their personalities, and their likes and dislikes. Would I want to be involved with any of them? Never.. Many times they are real ugly on the inside, and professional backstabbers.

I'll take my wife with the messed up hair, bad morning breath, and the morning drool over those ladies in my office anyday. I have seen my wife at her best and at her worst. The fact is, we have a special bond that keeps us together...that bond is our faith in Jesus Christ.

[My4sonsjrbm]

I really liked your comments Keith. My husband and and I also have a strong faith and reliance on the Savior. We met at church, so we are blessed to share the same religion. It is a huge part of our lives.
As a woman I can look at other men and appreciate their looks, but I have no desire to be with them. My husband also can look at another woman and appreciate her physical beauty and I'm OK with that. I know he loves me as I love him. As Keith mentioned there is so much more to any relationship than outward beauty. However, as a woman who is now 25 pounds heavier than I was when I married my husband I have to tell you that I just hate it. I want to be attractive for him. I want to go on a date with him and have him think "I'm with the sexiest girl in the room."
It's so hard to lose weight especially as I get closer to 40. And I don't just want to be skinny. I want to be healthy and tone and strong. Easier said than done. I'm sure that everyone out there who has tried and failed or even tried and succeded in losing weight has a story. But that's another thread!

[Karried]

It is really so sad that we live in such a shallow society.. I too am finding it more and more difficult to stay in shape as I get older.

It is hard because we are surrounded by young, thin, attractive women barely wearing a thing! (who btw are waiting in the wings to take over our husbands money and wealth that we helped build!) LOL - it's hard getting older!!

I once attended a seminar with William Harley - His Needs, Her Needs- Christian speaker and author- and it was pretty eye opening.. he basically said that men are so visual and that it is the wife's responsibility to stay in shape and keep herself attractive..and the men have a responsibility to meet the wive's needs such as romance and providing for the family etc... the women got really offended though when he brought up that it was their responsibility to keep themselves attractive!

I guess, if you think about it, a husband is surrounded by professional attractive women at work all day and they come home and walk into a chaotic mess with screaming kids, messy house, wife in sweats on the phone, etc etc they might start thinking that the grass is greener? I hate to say it but in some ways it is probably a good idea for both partners to work on being attractive to one another.

I had a good friend who hated shaving.. but he would shave and look meticulous all week long but on the weekends, he had stubbles and became a slob .. I asked him ' why wouldn't you want your wife to get to enjoy a smooth unscratchy look and kiss? Why care more about the people at the office?" I know he had to be professional but she got the worst of him.. the person he was supposed to care the most about..

I see women who are dressed to the nines to go meet a girlfriend for lunch and then not care about what she looks like with her husband..and it's not even appearances.. yes, it's nice to be comfortable but I've seen many people who treat the store clerk better than their spouse..

I just wonder.. is 'familiararity breeds contempt' a truism?

[Keith]

It is really so sad that we live in such a shallow society.. I too am finding it more and more difficult to stay in shape as I get older.

It is hard because we are surrounded by young, thin, attractive women barely wearing a thing! (who btw are waiting in the wings to take over our husbands money and wealth that we helped build!) LOL - it's hard getting older!!

I once attended a seminar with William Harley - His Needs, Her Needs- Christian speaker and author- and it was pretty eye opening.. he basically said that men are so visual and that it is the wife's responsibility to stay in shape and keep herself attractive..and the men have a responsibility to meet the wive's needs such as romance and providing for the family etc... the women got really offended though when he brought up that it was their responsibility to keep themselves attractive!

I guess, if you think about it, a husband is surrounded by professional attractive women at work all day and they come home and walk into a chaotic mess with screaming kids, messy house, wife in sweats on the phone, etc etc they might start thinking that the grass is greener? I hate to say it but in some ways it is probably a good idea for both partners to work on being attractive to one another.

I had a good friend who hated shaving.. but he would shave and look meticulous all week long but on the weekends, he had stubbles and became a slob .. I asked him ' why wouldn't you want your wife to get to enjoy a smooth unscratchy look and kiss? Why care more about the people at the office?" I know he had to be professional but she got the worst of him.. the person he was supposed to care the most about..

I see women who are dressed to the nines to go meet a girlfriend for lunch and then not care about what she looks like with her husband..and it's not even appearances.. yes, it's nice to be comfortable but I've seen many people who treat the store clerk better than their spouse..

I just wonder.. is 'familiararity breeds contempt' a truism?

I have also noticed many times that my wife will be dressed to the hilt....just to go out with her girlfriends. She rarely gets that dressed up when we go out....then again, I usually don't get dressed up either. Her biggest complaint about us going out, is when I am still wearing my City shirt, and she wants me to change.

[Karried]

Keith, so true.... many, many women dress for other 'women' not in a sexual way but because women care more about clothes, accessories, and details and notice all of the above - where a man will usually appreciate the entire package but could care less about matching shoes!

[Keith]

Keith, so true.... many, many women dress for other 'women' not in a sexual way but because women care more about clothes, accessories, and details and notice all of the above - where a man will usually appreciate the entire package but could care less about matching shoes!

What's so sad Karrie is that I worked with 6 women today in my office...most of them very attractive...and I could not tell you what any of them were wearing. I just don't pay that much attention.

You want to hear something funny? I do lots of mowing and out door work, so I get quite a bit of sun. Not bragging, but my legs, arms and face are pretty tan right now. I get to wear shorts to work every day. There are a few ladies in my office that are caucasion, and their skin is very white. Both of them told me that I had very nice, muscly, tanned legs, and they wished theirs were that tan. They actually told me they were jealous of my legs. BTW, I do not shave my legs...never have...never will.

It seems like two or three days a week, someone says something about my legs. At my age, it is nice to get a compliment like that.

[Oki_Man5]

My wife tells me what to wear when we go to the city---at home though, she lets me be scrungy, but I am pretty sure that is because I am always doing something that keeps me pretty scrungy anyway.

Oh! Even though we are "older," my wife always dresses up when we go somewhere---neither she nor I ever go anywhere without the other except during the working times.

[Patrick]

Oh! Even though we are "older," my wife always dresses up when we go somewhere---neither she nor I ever go anywhere without the other except during the working times.

Older? You're only 31.