The official joke thread

[Keith]

TONGUE TWISTER


If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,

and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,

and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,

what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?







A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

[Keith]

Don’t you wish that some of the people around here would listen to this?

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it
did not happen.

If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine! gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME
WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops a! t work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

PROUD FARTERS:
These are people that will fart anywhere - anytime. If sitting they will
lean to one side or the other so they can squeeze the fart out. Stay away
from these people many times they will blame you for the farts. Many times
the people are proud of the loud noise, see Noisy Farters.

NOISY FARTERS:
These are people that are proud of the noise a fart makes. They attempted to make as much noise as possible by squeezing or grunting.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabout of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and try to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new ! entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA! OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the SurvivalGuide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

[Keith]

Joke Of The Day:
Marriage Secrets...

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...


Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.


We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?
"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

[Keith]

Some puns to ponder

Hope you like puns.........................



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass o! f Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
! ;
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[MadMonk]

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

[Keith]

To my hormonal (and not so hormonal) friends...

The hormone hostage knows there are days of the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own
hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.


13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff...... ..And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect


Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but
chocolate sings.

Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood
swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
monitor
my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad
mood,
it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me
diamonds.

[Curt]

Subject: Little Red Riding Hood
> >
> > Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a
> > big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
> >
> >"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
> >
> > The wolf jumps up and runs away.
> >
> > Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
> > again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
> >
> > "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
> >
> > Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
> >
> > About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
> > wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
> >
> > "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
> >
> > With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
> > "Will you knock it off? I'm trying to poop

[Faith]

5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student. Shaking her head she said, "Well, I guess you'll have to write with your other hand."

[Keith]

I OWE MY PARENTS!!

1. My parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My parents taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My parents taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My parents taught me IRONY."Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.!
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My parents taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My parents taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My parents taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."

23. My parents taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My parents taught me WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

[Curt]

Little Black Box


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years
whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4 wheel
drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words
of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh ****!"

Only Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were different,where
89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try something".

[Keith]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

DANGEROUS -- What's for dinner?
SAFER -- Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST -- Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Are you wearing that?
SAFER -- Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST -- WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- What are you so worked up about?
SAFER -- Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST -- Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Should you be eating that?
SAFER -- You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST -- Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- What did you do all day?
SAFER -- I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST -- I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some more chocolate.

[Intrepid]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Keith]

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
***************


Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one
out of every four children born in the world was Chinese...
***************


Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power
outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four
hours.
****************


A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided
to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to
roll up the windows first."
****************

[Faith]

Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate
Point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password -
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
Shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
Obvious to his wife that he was keying in...


P


E


N


I


S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[mranderson]

What is the conversation between the car salesman and an Okie?

Answer:

Car Salesman: Would you like a turning signal with that?

Okie: What's a turning signal?

[kellekokid]

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake instead of his rifle. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver." The doctor said, "My point exactly."

[PUGalicious]

(Apologies if this one has already been shared. This thread is so long, I have trouble keeping track of all the jokes that have been told.)


WHY CONDOMS COME IN PACKAGES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?" To which the
man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?" The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys,
ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for
college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO
for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

.

[Keith]

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette urn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize ur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist arm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued sub-dood': like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

[MadMonk]

An elderly couple visit McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one order of
french fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and
carefully cuts it in half.

He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the
french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in
front of his wife.

He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down
between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them keep looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He
politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man says they are just fine - They are used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She
sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the
drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for
them. This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."

As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the
young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a
single bite of food and asks "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answers....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"The teeth."

[fromdust]

i man walks into a clock shop and unzips his pants and puts his johnson on the counter. the woman at the counter lookes shocked and says, "sir please this is a clock shop." he answred back, " i know i was hoping to get two hands and a face on it."


a man was shopping with his girlfriend when he lost track of her. a girl was passing by and he asked, " i lost my girlfriend do you think you can stand here with me. she answers back " sure but i dont see how that will help with finding your girlfriend.
"oh dont worry" he replies, "every time i talk to a girl who looks like you, nice boobs, a cute face and pretty hair; she always appears out of nowhere.

[Subvertia]

The Spanish Computer

Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine:

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

The women won.

[MadMonk]

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS,because 'It really Satisfies.' " The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,"FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

[MadMonk]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[Keith]

This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny.
What a great sense of humor and creativity! )

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folks ?

[Keith]

10 Reasons Not To Jog.

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Except when I run with a cosmpolitan!