Singles and Sympathy

[Uptown]

Sympathy, sympathy, sympathy. All of these singles, especialy the divorced ones, want people to feel sorry for them. Singles, listen closely. The answer is not to dwell on your past. The answer is to get off your butt, get out, and try to make a difference in your life.

That's the way my counselor put it to me when I was single. Most decent psychologists won't sit there and listen to your complaints without submitting a resolution. The resolution is for you to get singlehood off your mind and get out and make an effort to meet people. Otherwise, your other choice is to sit, sulk, and be miserable. Many of you prefer the last choice.

[Midtowner]

Wow, you guys make it sound like being single is some sort of mental sickness? Your psychologist said that? Were you complaining incessantly?

Some people prefer singlehood. To me, that is no cause for alarm.

[Uptown]

Wow, you guys make it sound like being single is some sort of mental sickness? Your psychologist said that? Were you complaining incessantly?

Some people prefer singlehood. To me, that is no cause for alarm.

Midtowner, just because you see a counselor doesn't mean you have a mental illness. You're thought there is part of the stigma. Lots of people see counselors to seek advice on how to deal with tough issues in their life. Many counselors are quite helpful.

Ever watched Dr. Phil? He listens to his guests whine some, but he also tells them how the cookie crumbles by telling them what they need to do to get out of their rutt.

I encourage all of the singles here to try to get out more. It's very therapeutic.

[Karried]

Sympathy, sympathy, sympathy. All of these singles, especialy the divorced ones, want people to feel sorry for them.

I haven't found any of the single people here trying to evoke sympathy here at all. They come here to talk and meet people without judgement. It's a singles forum.

If someone invites me to go out and I have other plans or just don't want to go, I don't feel ashamed and I shouldn't be pressured or judged about having other things to do or commitments or just don't feel like going out. That's my perogative.

And, people who try to make me feel that way aren't people I want to be with anyway.

Why should it be any different for single people?

I commend singles who try to encourage more social activities but some people just aren't interested and shouldn't be criticized if they don't attend.

[OklaCity_75]

The comments were not intended at those who missed just this one event. It was aimed at those who commit and then suddenly an excuse pops up (IE: The dog ate my car keys. The government has sent me on a double top-secret mission.)

I and some of other members are simply stating the facts. The people this topic is targeting are those that come here to cry about not meeting someone. Then they shoot down every opportunity to be social with other singles.

Being social is what will help you meet a new love. Sitting at the computer surfing the web, or watching your favorite re-run will not help you meet anyone.

If you spend time getting to know new people on a regular basis you will never have a problem spending time on a date with an attractive stranger.

The singles on this board need to get over their security or insecurity issues. My whole point in scheduling these events is to get people out of the house and doing something new. If we all get together on a regular basis just to have fun and relax, I think we will all find navigating the singles game a little easier.

[windowphobe]

I've been accused of being full of many things, but never excuses.

[sweetdaisy]

The people this topic is targeting are those that come here to cry about not meeting someone. Then they shoot down every opportunity to be social with other singles.

While this may have been true in the past, I haven't seen any of our singles on this site recently crying about not meeting anyone. On occasion, I've seen someone post a question regarding relationships, but that's part of what this particular forum is supposed to be about. Is posing a question now looked at as an attempt at sympathy?

Maybe I've overlooked some of these recent pity parties?

[OklaCity_75]

While this may have been true in the past, I haven't seen any of our singles on this site recently crying about not meeting anyone. On occasion, I've seen someone post a question regarding relationships, but that's part of what this particular forum is supposed to be about. Is posing a question now looked at as an attempt at sympathy?

Maybe I've overlooked some of these recent pity parties?

Just because it has not happened lately does not mean the cycle of complaining has not stopped. I have been on his board long enough to remember that the singles complaints run in cycles. Especially around times of year and events that impact singles. Valentines Day, Christmas, weddings, family events, children being born.

Nothing is happening at the moment. Just give it time and the chronic complainers will return.

I speak from expirence, complaining does nothing for you. If you want better results ou t of life you have to take action. My single life has not been the best. I stopped complaining about it and I am not worring about it anymore. If I meet someone I do If I don't.......I don't. In the meantime I will ask out every girl that catches my eye and live a happy life.

The key to ending single hood is staying active and being paitent with life and romance.

Last but not least.... live everyday to the fullest.

[sweetdaisy]

OklaCity, I see what you're saying...makes sense. I was genuinely wondering if I'd managed to overlook some posts or something.

BTW, I wouldn't bet the farm on the complaining singles returning anytime soon. With all the badgering from some of the folks on this board, I'd be surprised if they came back at all.

[Rooster_Cogburn]

OklaCity, I see what you're saying...makes sense. I was genuinely wondering if I'd managed to overlook some posts or something.

BTW, I wouldn't bet the farm on the complaining singles returning anytime soon. With all the badgering from some of the folks on this board, I'd be surprised if they came back at all.

I am more than willing to speak to anyone privately and give advice. I think everyone on here that has "badgered" does it in the means of tough love. Sometimes you have to say things a certain way to drive the point home.

I have yet to see any case of someone being badgered. I think the some of the posters on here (including myself) think its time for anyone who is complaining to put up or shut up.

Dating problems are just like smoking, losing weight or chainging any other bad habit. You analyze what you have to do to solve the problem then act on it. If tou do not act on it, the habit will always exist.

These people you speak of that may not return are just hiding from themselves. If you cannot accept constructive criticism then your the one with the issue.

There is no reason why anyone should be single. If your stuck in a dateless rut figure out what your doing to chase people away. Are you coming on too strong? Do you need to change your style? Do you need to adjust your grooming habits? Do you come acrossed as someone who is confident and sure of yourself?

I have a strong dislike for people who feed on pity.

However there comes a time when you have to stop seeking sympathy and do something about it.

We have a few that are seeking sympathy and nothing more.

Somethin unrelated,

I am going to pick on okacity for a second, In my wife's opinion. She thinks he is a nice a guy has a good attitude, intelligent, and decent looks he just appears to be a little head strong and stubborn according to his posts. Which leads to my question for him, do you come on too strong sometimes okacity? Just curious you seem to have all the answers but, do you slow down and think first when your on a date?

My sister-in-law needs a man would you be interested?

[Karried]

The whole purpose of a talk forum is to talk. And to express feelings of loneliness or sadness on a singles forum should be expected and welcomed .. not admonished.

This forum is for Single people to share with one another..

Saying to someone all they want is sympathy is in my opinion counter productive.

If I were single, I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing my feelings here. I would be afraid of being reprimanded and lectured.

We all want to give advice and try to help those who need help, but sometimes people just need or want to vent, hopefully to someone else who understands and can relate to their feelings.

Unless someone comes out directly and says 'what do you think, or I need advice, or what should I do," I would think twice about offering unsolicted advice or telling someone all they want is sympathy from people.

I guess none of us truly know what people need or want and we shouldn't assume we do.

[Rooster_Cogburn]

Its one thing to come on here and vent. It is another to post post after post of "Boo hoo I hate being single..... someone please give a hug and find me a date. "

If you do not know how to shake the singles blues. You probably should seek some kind of therapy. Especially if your depressed about being single lasts for more than a few days.

There are many singles groups, counselors, and clergy that are more than willing to help you through your problems. Feeding on people's sympathy is not the answer.

There are only two reasons why a person is single, they either choose to be or they have some underlying issue they need to deal with to make them appealing to other singles.

When I say underlying issue I do not mean looks, money or anything like that. The underlying issue is a personality quirk, a sense of style, personal grooming. It is usually something that can be easily corrected with a little effort.

[Uptown]

Amen. Well said. This isn't a professional counseling service for singles. It's a place to meet other singles.

If you're emotionally scarred because your wife left you and no one else will date you because you've developed a gutt, maybe you need to talk about that with a professional counselor.

Of course, it could also be said, that there are other singles here going through the same problems and this could be looked at as a support group. Thoughts?

If it's going to be a support group than that needs to be defined.

[Karried]

Definition of the Forum:

Singles Lounge - The place to meet, greet and be heard.

It doesn't say The place to meet, greet and be advised, lectured, counseled or even supported.

They might just want a safe place to vent and talk among other singles...

Maybe Todd can create a Marriage/Relationship Forum if we want to discuss our issues.

Then the Singles can all come over and tell us how to live our lives..

[Uptown]

Sounds reasonable to me.

[sweetdaisy]

Amen. Well said. This isn't a professional counseling service for singles. It's a place to meet other singles.

Uptown, you're new to the board, so let me explain this to you. This is NOT just a place to meet other singles. If that were true, then married people need to stay out of the Single's Lounge. Just like the rest of the board, this particular forum is for us to chat about things that have come up or to spend time together on a holiday (OklaCity and I traded emails on New Year's Eve!) or to even whine if we're having a few bad days.

Yes, sometimes we come on here and have a pity party...however that's becoming less frequent. Probably because some marrieds have come on here and started dispensing their "professional" opinions from whenever they were in counseling. Many of the folks here ARE recently divorced...that is one of the hardest things you can ever go through and it's extremely difficult to get back into the "dating scene" when you've been out of it for so long.

Some of you think you're so full of knowledge...but you're not. You're an armchair quarterback sitting here telling us how to play a game you're not even involved in. Plenty of the folks here ARE getting help in dealing with their issues. And if you're referring to old threads where there's "whining" or "sympathy-seeking", then stop reading them. Much can happen in just a couple month's time.

I believe it was Uptown who launced into the whole Sympathy discussion to begin with. Sir, I really don't know who you think you are, but trust me, you know nothing about the singles on this board. I, on the other hand, have met most of them, and it's a fine group a folks that you're attempting to "enlighten" with all your second-hand therapy. Don't quit your day job unless you're a therapist...and if you are, please do quit.

[sweetdaisy]

Definition of the Forum:

Singles Lounge - The place to meet, greet and be heard.

It doesn't say The place to meet, greet and be advised, lectured, counseled or even supported.

They might just want a safe place to vent and talk among other singles...

Maybe Todd can create a Marriage/Relationship Forum if we want to discuss our issues.

Then the Singles can all come over and tell us how to live our lives..

Thanks for explaining that Karried!

[Uptown]

Sir, I really don't know who you think you are, but trust me, you know nothing about the singles on this board. I, on the other hand, have met most of them, and it's a fine group a folks that you're attempting to "enlighten" with all your second-hand therapy. Don't quit your day job unless you're a therapist...and if you are, please do quit.

Miss All Knowing and omnipotent, read Post #15.

[sweetdaisy]

Excuse me? I know you're not calling me names...I'd hate for you to violate the TOS and get banned.

And next time, try learning what a site is about before you come in and start spewing garbage.

[Uptown]

I don't believe calling someone all knowing and omnipotent is calling them names.

Anyhow, that's basically what you called yourself. Read your own post:

"Sir, I really don't know who you think you are, but trust me, you know nothing about the singles on this board. I, on the other hand, have met most of them, and it's a fine group a folks that you're attempting to "enlighten" with all your second-hand therapy. Don't quit your day job unless you're a therapist...and if you are, please do quit."

You seem to think you know everything about the singles on this site. Then you have the nerve to tell me not to quit my day job. As far as I'm concerned, that's a personal attack and isn't very polite and sweet.

[Uptown]

Don't quit your day job unless you're a therapist...and if you are, please do quit.

We take the "Be Polite" rule very seriously! We do not tolerate any rudeness. Personal attacks directed against other members of this forum will not be tolerated. Any member who is intentionally unpleasant or disruptive may be banned without warning.

[Uptown]

Anyhow,

[sweetdaisy]

No, you calling me "Miss all-knowing and omnipotent" is calling me names. Once you stuck the label on the front, well....

Regardless, I do know these folks...and I can assure you I know them MUCH better than you do. That does not make me all-knowing nor omnipotent. It simply makes me someone who knows them better than you do.

And, recall I've never said I know everything about the singles on this site. You should really try to not to engage in sweeping statements such as that, Uptown...it's a foolish and and untrue statement.

I've seen you complain about personal attacks a few times now. What ISN'T a personal attack to you?

[Patrick]

Guys, comeone. Let's play clean and not get into a pissing match.

[Uptown]

Read Post #21 above. You attacked me.

I just restated what you said. You know more than I do about the singles here and you were acting like you were all knowing about the issues, since you knew everyone here.