Training from a dogs point of view
Advice From the Alpha Dog
RULES FOR DOGS THAT RUN THE HOUSE FOR THEIR PRIMARY JOBFURNITURE:
See also CHEWING.
If you have to throw up, quickly get on a chair or couch. If you cannot manage that, use one of the humans shoes, preferably their best dress shoes.
When ready for a nap chose the piece of furniture that is all white it is preferable to do this with muddy feet.
Remember that every house looks better with all the pillows taken from the furniture and strewn around the floor. If you have down pillows they look best with all the stuffing removed.
RUGS AND CARPET:
See also DOORS.
Digging up the carpet in front of closed doors is mandatory to let your humans know that you will not be excluded from any part of YOUR home.
If you are going to relieve yourself, do it in a spot that is in the middle of a busy pathway. It is also good to leave a deposit in an out the way spot such as behind a chair or in a little used room such as the guest room.
An important point to remember is that oriental rugs are excellent items to chew on. Start by removing the fringe then chew a hole just off of center as these are the best parts. If you have a selection, chose the most expensive one.
Small throw rugs are best taken through the doggie door and left out in the weather.
DOORS:
See also CARPET and CHEWING.
Never allow any door to remain closed. If the humans are home you can get them opened by barking continuously with an occasional howl. If it is an outside door jumping against it frantically will get it opened. Now stand in the middle of it and think of all the wonderful things
you have accomplished, remember it is not necessary to go through it, only that it be open.
Outside doors are best left open during storms, when it is very hot or cold, and especially during mosquito season.
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
When no one is home closed doors should be scratched at frantically to try to get through. If that does not work try chewing at the molding around the door.
Whenever the front door is open, charge past everyone and run around the neighborhood, this gives the humans much needed exercise chasing you.
CHEWING:
See also DOORS, RUGS and FURNITURE
Your humans will give you lots of toys and it is important to chew on them when the human gets them out and wants to play with you, this gives the human exercise.
Books and magazines are great items to chew on as they make great nesting material. Books that are currently being read by your humans are exceptionally tasty, but be sure to start from the back of the book and ensure that you remove at least the last 4 or 5 pages.
Tissue and toilet paper have a very pleasant feel and looks great scattered around the house.
For serious frustration or stress it is best to select a piece of furniture as this will give you hours of relief. The best type of furniture is obviously leather.
For general play things check the clothes hamper for underwear and socks. Once in a while your human will give you a sock knots in it, but it is not as flavorful as dirty socks. Also check the closets for shoes, the best are the ones with tassels or high heels.
YARD:
Proper landscaping is important to humans as you will see them working in the garden and yard all the time. If left alone in the yard you should try to make the humans happy by pulling out excess plants. This is a job that humans hate to do, you will see them out their sometimes with hoes digging them out or with a spray trying to kill them and they are always cussing them with things like “Damn Weeds”.
You should place holes in various places in the yard for future cooling spots and hiding places for food in the case of shortages.
FOOD:
When eating your food be sure to take each mouthful to a carpeted area and eat it.
Be sure to act depressed when they put down your food, even though it is very good you want to shame the humans into putting scrapes and gravy on your food.
Begging is best accomplished by continuously standing in the way in the kitchen and looking up expectantly. At the table doing little tricks works well, if that does not work lay flat on the floor with your eyes turned up accompanied by small pitiful whines.
Meat will occasionally be left out on the counter for you to eat, though frozen it is still very good.
Kids are great sources of food.
GUESTS:
When guests arrive run frantically around the house taking a circular route over couches, chairs and coffee tables.
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
Be sure to jump on the guests as they enter the door. It is best to chose the one that is best dressed.
Quickly determine which guest dislikes dogs and climb in their lap.
If someone is wearing a dark suit or dress be sure to rub against them and leave as much hair as possible.
When you tire of playing, chose a spot that is highly visible, preferably one that is close to older women, and lie quietly licking yourself.
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark.
Be sure to start training your humans early. The sooner you have them trained the sooner you will have a smooth running household. Humans can be taught if you start early and are consistent in your training.
I'm certain that all of these rules have been demonstrated successfully by my girls - past and present - Rachel, Maxina, Caleigh, and Sadie. rh
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