Opinions Wanted

[Leon]

I believe that a relationship is at it's best when one's spouse happens to also be their best friend. That's not to imply that you'd spend 100% percent of your time together. I think though that usually one's best friend is of the same sex as themselves.

How would you all view a relationship in which the hubby's best friend was a woman, no sex involved. But what if your husband's best frend was a woman? Does that constitue adultery or infidelity. Can a man be an adulter without having sex with anothr woman. Is that morally wrong? How far does 'forsaking all others' go?

[Faith]

I don't agree with a husband having a woman other than their wife, as their best friend. Jealously isn't healthy in a relationship but ,if my husband was to speak to another woman on the phone all the time or go do things with her all the time that is a serious issue. The man marriedhis wife to spend their life with, not the "woman" friend or for that matter not the "man" friend either. A little time is okay to spend with friends but the best friend should be your spouse, in my opinion.

[mranderson]

I will leave that one up to the woman I date. If she does not mind me having an occasional lunch with a female friend, then ok. If she DOES mind, then no way, Jose.

I have friends that happen to be women. And I like getting their opinion from a woman's point of view on occasion. However, the woman I date is the boss.

[dirtrider73068]

I don't agree with a husband having a woman other than their wife, as their best friend. Jealously isn't healthy in a relationship but ,if my husband was to speak to another woman on the phone all the time or go do things with her all the time that is a serious issue. The man marriedhis wife to spend their life with, not the "woman" friend or for that matter not the "man" friend either. A little time is okay to spend with friends but the best friend should be your spouse, in my opinion.

So you are saying its ok for the woman or wife to have a man friend but the husband or man can't have a female friend. There is not a problem with it if both people in the relaitionship have true trust and can trust one another.

[Intrepid]

I will leave that one up to the woman I date. If she does not mind me having an occasional lunch with a female friend, then ok. If she DOES mind, then no way, Jose.

I have friends that happen to be women. And I like getting their opinion from a woman's point of view on occasion. However, the woman I date is the boss.

On this occasion, I totally agree with mranderson. I think it all depends on the situation. Conceivably, your gf/bf/spouse/sig. other, should be understanding of their mate's friends..male or female. It's all about communication. Talk to each other, make sure everyone meets everyone else and all should be fine.

[Leon]

New twist: What if the spouse has repeatdly demonstrated that you cannot be open and honest with her/him...You did not realize until years after marrying that he/she will never respect your privacy. anything you tell her will be passed to her mom, sisters, and and friends.

Here's what resulted in my experience: I learned to never tell her anything that I did not want everyone else to know. My own wife became the absolute last person on the globe whom I coud talk to. A few years later we talked very little at all.

I know there are married people here who read the Singles' Lounge...Do you or have you told things about your spouse that he/she would probably be dissappointed about your doing so?

I think it'd be best for one's spouse to be the best friend. People have to talk to someone, if it's not the spouse, it WILL be somebody.

Married folks: Earn you spouse's trust and protect it at all cost, because if it's ever lost it cannot be regained.

[dirtrider73068]

New twist: What if the spouse has repeatdly demonstrated that you cannot be open and honest with her/him...You did not realize until years after marrying that he/she will never respect your privacy. anything you tell her will be passed to her mom, sisters, and and friends.

Here's what resulted in my experience: I learned to never tell her anything that I did not want everyone else to know. My own wife became the absolute last person on the globe whom I coud talk to. A few years later we talked very little at all.

I know there are married people here who read the Singles' Lounge...Do you or have you told things about your spouse that he/she would probably be dissappointed about your doing so?

I think it'd be best for one's spouse to be the best friend. People have to talk to someone, if it's not the spouse, it WILL be somebody.

Married folks: Earn you spouse's trust and protect it at all cost, because if it's ever lost it cannot be regained.

I have been on this road and still am. The trust in our marriage was broken by her, and still is broken. Can't trust won't trust. I can't see why there would be a problem with have oppisite sex friends, but BOTH people in the relationship need to understand its friendship and not be afraid to include the sig other in outings as not to be felt left out. If it gets to friendshipish too much then speak up and say it is, and that something needs to be done to slow it down and spen more time at home with the sig other and not over at said friends all the time.

[sweetdaisy]

It sounds like the original questions was "is it okay for someone to be BEST FRIENDS with someone of the opposite sex while they are involved in a relationship?" (I'm including spouses as well as significant others in my opinions.) The answer is NO.

While I feel it appropriate to have a balanced cirlce of friends (include people of the opposite sex), I do not feel it is acceptable for the spouse or mate to have a person of the opposite sex as their best friend/confidant. I know it's possible for men and women to have a platonic friendship, however when you engage in a serious relationship, you accept your mate as the person with whom you confide your deepest secrets. In short, your mate should, in theory, be your best friend.

Leon, your situation just flat out sucked. However, I understand where you are coming from, and can empathize. To whom do you turn when you can't trust your mate? Well, if they are completely unable to respect your wishes and compromise, you turn to 1) a marriage counselor, to help you and your spouse work things out, and if that doesn't work 2) a good divorce attorney as painful as that may be. But why stay in a relationship where you have nowhere to turn? You can be alone like that by yourself.

[Leon]

It sounds like the original questions was "is it okay for someone to be BEST FRIENDS with someone of the opposite sex while they are involved in a relationship?" (I'm including spouses as well as significant others in my opinions.) The answer is NO.

While I feel it appropriate to have a balanced cirlce of friends (include people of the opposite sex), I do not feel it is acceptable for the spouse or mate to have a person of the opposite sex as their best friend/confidant. I know it's possible for men and women to have a platonic friendship, however when you engage in a serious relationship, you accept your mate as the person with whom you confide your deepest secrets. In short, your mate should, in theory, be your best friend.

Leon, your situation just flat out sucked. However, I understand where you are coming from, and can empathize. To whom do you turn when you can't trust your mate? Well, if they are completely unable to respect your wishes and compromise, you turn to 1) a marriage counselor, to help you and your spouse work things out, and if that doesn't work 2) a good divorce attorney as painful as that may be. But why stay in a relationship where you have nowhere to turn? You can be alone like that by yourself.

You're right, it sucked.

I'm sure that in some of these threads I've posted a few things that could really anger some women, typed during emotional lows. A pleading for someone to show me otherwise 'cause I really don't WANT to believe some of my own feelings. Truth be known, I want a good woman more than anything. I hope to cross paths soon with one who can crack this shell. I open up very slowly though, too slowly for most people...makes people think I'm snobbish.

Two guides for me: I won't marry someone from which I'd hide anything and, she'll accept me as I am. I'm sure everyone I know, except the X, would say I'm worth the time to get to know, none would say that happens fast, and none would say I was ever an ass either, just reserved.

Anyway, my post was actually two parts....Second one: Is that equivalent to infidelity, if a man feels more comfortable talking with a woman other than his wife?....No sex?

I'm gonna do a poll on this.

[sweetdaisy]

I don't think it's equivalent to infidelity, however it's dangerously close. There is a certain emotional intimacy involved in a close friendship, and IMO that is something that should be shared between a couple. Just because there isn't sex involved, doesn't mean you're not cheating emotionally.

[Karried]

I think your spouse should be your first and best confidante. In seventeen years of marriage, I've had friendships come and go and I do have a lifetime girl best friend but my spouse is still always my best friend. I do tell my friends things but only if I've told my husband as well, in other words no secrets or talking about my husband to others.

[dirtrider73068]

doesn't mean you're not cheating emotionally.

You have got to be kidding. You can't be serious. I about fell over laughing so hard. Cheating emotionally? Let me think about this, I have been married 4 years together for 6. I never ever been unfaithful or unkind, always gave her the respect she deserved, but yet she was the one that went and cheated. She has had male friends which I did not have problems with, as long as I was the one she come home too. With me whats wrong in haveing a woman for a friendship, In my opion if there is a problem I can go to her to ask her opion what I should do or go about approaching the problem, or even maybe getting help with an idea or suprise I would like to plan. Why would I go to another guy to ask opion on things like this. Yea right, to please a woman get a womans point of view. Just like now I am all alone, to figure out a way to get my life and marriage back together. I have nobody to turn to not another male or even a female to that matter. Even if I had another female that was married, would be better help than a single female since the married female would have better suggestions to try to get things back to normal. As I stand now I have no faith or trust in any woman because of what happend. As I see it, no woman in my entire life can ever be trusted or give them my faith. For now all I can have is friendship, even though I am seprated with that there are terms to that said friendship that both people are on a understanding.

[Leon]

Certainly it would be best to have absolute trust with a non-judgemental spouse. Unfortunately, I don't think it happens for very many people. If you KNOW you can tell your spouse ANYTHING and he/she will not ridicule you for it or tell it to her momma, then count yourself among the lucky few.

[dirtrider73068]

Certainly it would be best to have absolute trust with a non-judgemental spouse. Unfortunately, I don't think it happens for very many people. If you KNOW you can tell your spouse ANYTHING and he/she will not ridicule you for it or tell it to her momma, then count yourself among the lucky few.

This is exactly where I am at. I can't tell my other half what is on my mind or what is bothering me or anything as to be afraid of being ridiculed or she going and has gone and told others what I have said. So I have learned to keep my mouth shut and not say anything. Guess I am like this casue I have been hurt to much. I may end up just not haveing any friends since all I have done with those I have had is eithe rmade them mad or chased them off, and won't every have a relationship again for who ever knows what reasons. Even now for me to have friends so I can get out more only casues more problems only because the other party is not trusting enough or some other known reason I don't know about.

[sweetdaisy]

You have got to be kidding. You can't be serious. I about fell over laughing so hard. Cheating emotionally? Let me think about this, I have been married 4 years together for 6. I never ever been unfaithful or unkind, always gave her the respect she deserved, but yet she was the one that went and cheated. She has had male friends which I did not have problems with, as long as I was the one she come home too. With me whats wrong in haveing a woman for a friendship, In my opion if there is a problem I can go to her to ask her opion what I should do or go about approaching the problem, or even maybe getting help with an idea or suprise I would like to plan. Why would I go to another guy to ask opion on things like this. Yea right, to please a woman get a womans point of view. Just like now I am all alone, to figure out a way to get my life and marriage back together. I have nobody to turn to not another male or even a female to that matter. Even if I had another female that was married, would be better help than a single female since the married female would have better suggestions to try to get things back to normal. As I stand now I have no faith or trust in any woman because of what happend. As I see it, no woman in my entire life can ever be trusted or give them my faith. For now all I can have is friendship, even though I am seprated with that there are terms to that said friendship that both people are on a understanding.

Glad I was able to amuse you, dirtrider. However, ideally, a person's spouse should be their best friend. Please note, I said their BEST friend. Not just a casual friendship, but someone they talk to regularly, go to dinner with, spend time outside of work, etc. That's what the original post was about. Men & women being friends isn't a problem, however when one person of the opposite sex assumes the position of being the BEST FRIEND of a married/involved person, that is inappropriate.

I really feel sorry for you. Your bitterness is stunning and just plain sad. But, since you're ranting about not ever being able to trust a woman, why would you want a female friend to turn to? That makes no sense.

[sweetdaisy]

Certainly it would be best to have absolute trust with a non-judgemental spouse. Unfortunately, I don't think it happens for very many people. If you KNOW you can tell your spouse ANYTHING and he/she will not ridicule you for it or tell it to her momma, then count yourself among the lucky few.

Sounds like your gal was just plain mean.

[dirtrider73068]

Glad I was able to amuse you, dirtrider. However, ideally, a person's spouse should be their best friend. Please note, I said their BEST friend. Not just a casual friendship, but someone they talk to regularly, go to dinner with, spend time outside of work, etc. That's what the original post was about. Men & women being friends isn't a problem, however when one person of the opposite sex assumes the position of being the BEST FRIEND of a married/involved person, that is inappropriate.

I really feel sorry for you. Your bitterness is stunning and just plain sad. But, since you're ranting about not ever being able to trust a woman, why would you want a female friend to turn to? That makes no sense.

Even to say I had that female friend to turn to doesn't mean I well trust her, just her advice would give me something to think about. In my situation right now my spouse/separated spouse I can 't see being my best friend casue of what sehe has done. So to that note I have now best friend and in my eyes nobady will ever give that chance to show the good I have to give, oh not my loss, I am at the point of just giveing up all hope all together on the world and society of haveing the help or help from a friendship. I just wish I could give that chance to someone to see what kinid of good friend ship can be made from someone if just given a chance if the right woman would show and give me the reason to trust her I could prob come to terms to trust but only in due time.

[Jay]

I think the first step you guys should take is to working on your self-image.

Your never going to find anyone unless you truly believe you are something special. What do you think drives so many macho guys egos? Why do you think guys with egos never have a problem finding a date? Simple, these guys know there worth something and they show it.

You need to apply some common sense to this issue:

There is no such thing is a best friend of the opposite sex when your in a relationship.

Not all women are the same so get over it. Take note of what happened to you this time and handle your love and trust with caution the next time around.

At some point and time you have to realize that life is worth living and taking risks sweetens the deal.

So shake off your sorrows and make some changes in your life. Get out there get some phone numbers and make some new friends.