The official joke thread

[Curt]

For all the visitors, from other than Michigan,
coming to the Super Bowl in January.

1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's
Deh-troit. NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-Troit then we will
assume you are from Toledo and here for the country Music hoe-down.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own
version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray!

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 am to 10:00 am. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 pm to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday
morning. Weekends are open game.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,
cussed out and possibly shot. If you're first off the starting line when
the light turns green, count to five before going across the
intersection. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who
just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.

5. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit
metro area. That goes for Gratiot too.

6. Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75, I-275, I-375,
The Lodge and The Southfield Freeways are a way of life and forever.
Just deal with it.

7. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a
factory defect or they are
"out-of-towners"

8. All old men (or women) with white hair wearing a hat have total
right-of-way.

9. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 and I-275 is 85 regardless of
the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY. Oh,
and don't even think of allowing more than one car length between cars!

10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is
NOT ornamental. DO NOT get out of your car to take pictures.

11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
says "Keep honking, I'm reloading", he/she is.

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone,
people are not waving because they are so friendly in Detroit. I would
suggest you duck.

13. I-275 and I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

14. It's not M-10, it's "the Lodge".

15. That's not a lake, it's a pothole.

16. If someone tells you it's on Outer Drive, you better hope you have a
map.

17. The Michigan left turn is simple. If you want to turn left, go a 1/4
of a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then
make another left, then make a right when you get back to the
intersection where you wanted to turn left in the first place. NOW
you have gone left.

18. And those 2 really ugly arches over Telegraph???? DON'T EVEN
ASK!! WE DON'T HAVE A CLUE!!!!!

[Curt]

Things we have learned from watching the Katrina news on TV during the last 21 days:

The hurricane only hit black family's property

New Orleans was devastated and no other city was affected by the hurricane

Mississippi is reported to have some trees blown down and some night spots damaged

New Orleans has no white people

The hurricane blew some limbs off trees in the yard of an Alabama resident

When you are hungry after a hurricane steal a big screen TV

The hurricane did 23 billion dollars in improvements to New Orleans: now the city is welfare, looters and gang free and they are now in your city.

White folks don't make good news stories

Don't give thanks to the thousands that came to help rescue you, instead bitch because the government hasn't given you a debit card yet

Only black family members got separated in the hurricane rescue efforts

Ignore warnings to evacuate and the white folks will come get you and give you money for being stupid

[Keith]

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.

My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy"

message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

[kahloist]

Q: Why is it you never see a dead crow on the road?
A: Because there is always another crow in a tree crying, "Kaw! Kaw!"

I love simple jokes

[mranderson]

Q: Why is it you never see a dead crow on the road?
A: Because there is always another crow in a tree crying, "Kaw! Kaw!"

I love simple jokes

Were these Crows raised in Boston?

[kahloist]

They are transplanted, Maryland to Okie Land

[Keith]

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been terrible. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're
cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed, Rich and Free!

[Curt]

How perfect that would be.

[Keith]

The many meanings of P-M-S>>>>1.Pass My Shotgun>>>>2.Psychotic Mood Shift>>>3.Perpetual Munching Spree>>>>4.Puffy Mid-Section>>>>5.People Make me Sick>>>>6.Provide Me with Sweets>>>7.Pardon My Sobbing>>>>8. Pimples May Surface>>>>9.Pass My Sweatpants>>>10.Pissy Mood Syndrome>>>>11.Plainly; Men Suck>>>>12.Pack My Stuff>>>>13.Potential Murder Suspect

[Curt]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that

the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on

where she is in her menstrual cycle

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged

and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more

attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed

up his ass while he is on fire.

[Keith]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that

the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on

where she is in her menstrual cycle

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged

and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more

attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed

up his ass while he is on fire.

LOL. You are right on target. It sounds like an error free study to me.

[Curt]

LOL. You are right on target. It sounds like an error free study to me.

LOL...makes ya wanna leave and go fishing for a few days every month huh?

[Keith]

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for." (Will Rogers)

[Keith]

Cure for the rough day.......

In case you had a rough day at work...here’s a stress management technique recommended by the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is they say it works.



1. Picture yourself by a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are it total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

[MadMonk]

This cracked me up.

[Curt]

Due to hurricane Katrina, the floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dat my husband; I tole dat lazyass he gonna cut da grass today come hell or high water.

[Keith]

You might be in Education if ...

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

4. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know and correct their behavior.

5. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

6. You think people should be required to get a government permit to reproduce.

7. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".

8. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

9. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

10. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

11. You want to choke a person who says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."

12. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

__________________________________________________ _________________________
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 3 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
__________________________________________________ _______________

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?

"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

[Keith]

Clever Romantic Rhymes

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . .



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

but I only slept with you, because I was pissed



I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother



Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.



Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not



I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-

man, I'm good at telling you lies!



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life



I see your face when I am dreaming

That's why I always wake up screaming



My love you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to smell this way

************************************************** ************************


Indian Mating Season

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods all of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when
Indian
men see cave, they call 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If
they
get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately,
there
was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he
came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size
of
the huge opening, he was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the size of this
cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really
big,
fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and
then
he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

[Keith]

>>>Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so
>>>they
>>>
>>>went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Boudreaux
>>>
>>>answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton
>>>
>>>panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified
>>>as
>>>
>>>unskilled labor, she gave him $150 a week unemployment pay.
>>>Thibodeaux
>>>
>>>was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel
>>>
>>>fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $300 a week.
When
>>>
>>>Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
>>>to
>>>
>>>find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.
>>>The
>>>
>>>clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
>>>are
>>>
>>>skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic
on

>>>da
>>>
>>>panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and
>>>
>>>says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
>>
>>

[Shaggy]

that was great! More members should come over and read some of this stuff. maybe it will make them lighten up and enjoy life.

[Curt]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex dr ive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------


__________________________________________________

[Keith]

FLAT TARR (PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS.)



There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire. He pulled

off on the side of the road,jumped out of his car, walked down the

hillside and picked a bunch

of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front

of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.



A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned

around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.



The man replied,"I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you breakdown they tell

you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did

understand it neither."



************************************************** **************************


Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded.


The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at
the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt
are interchangeable.



************************************************** **********

[Keith]

Dearest Redneck Daughter,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the hous! e numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and hot because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.

We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out! of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

[Curt]

The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.

*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side.

[Keith]

The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.

*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side.

That was the best joke I have heard all year. Actually, I am not sure it is a joke. Yeah, it has to be a joke because she has no achievements to honor. I would spit on the wrong side too.