The official joke thread

[Keith]

THE PHONE COMPANY
>
>
>
> An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her
> telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few
> occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the
> phone rang.
>
> The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
> psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
>
> He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
> subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
> moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the
> pole, the telephone repairman found:
>
> 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
> chain and collar.
>
> 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
>
> 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
> number was called.
>
> 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
> urinate on himself and the ground.
>
> 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
> ring.
>
> Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

[kellekokid]

The Lord and the Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No"
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with Sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your Thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, soTHAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of all others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

[Keith]

Best Out of office office replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE PRIZE:

8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Phil'.

[Curt]

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

[Curt]

Man on the Beach

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said, "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been
fu---d?"

The fellow said, "No",

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

[MadMonk]

This guy walks into a bar. He orders 5 shots of vodka. Bartender says to him, "Jeez buddy, what's the problem?"
Fella answers, 'Well, I found out today that my older brother is gay."
Bartender replies, "Jeez, that's some news."
The next day, the same guy walks back into the bar. He orders another 5 shots of vodka. So, the bartender asks him again, "What happened this time?"
The guy answers, "Well, I found out today that my younger brother is gay."
Bartender replies, "Jeez mac, that's some tough ****. Sorry to here that."
So the next day, the same guy comes in and orders another 5 shots of vodka. Bartender says to him, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man says to him, "Yeah...my wife."

[Keith]

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Oklahoma quarters.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U. S.Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Oklahoma quarters that were recently issued,"Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Oklahoma quarter, which was created by an OSU graduate, Shackleford said.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

[boat49]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
> covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five
> years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders
> in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
> accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash
> They were surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states the recorded last
> words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!" Only
> the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama,
> Louisiana and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final
> words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[pdjr]

A husband asks his wife what she wants for her birthday. "I don't care, as long as it goes zero to 200 in under a minute." He wraps a bathroom scale.

[MadMonk]

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$200.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about armored tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[Keith]

EVE'S *SIDE* OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you
have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches
and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that
you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will
fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle
breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden. "Well, Eve how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic,"
she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's
see.....where did I put the useless boob?"

[Curt]

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, hey wait, I am a man.......

[MadMonk]

The Pond

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[mranderson]

Why did the Redneck run out of gas?

He found gas $1.00 a gallon less in Dallas, and went to fill his tank... From Oklahoma City... Then drove back.

[karlanee]

Oh,some of these are too funny.

[Keith]

PAPER VS SOAP

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.

When it came back there are still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that

says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to

the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that

said, "Use more paper on butt." :boff:

[Keith]

As the Military Thinks

>> >Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
>> >encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.
>> >Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil.
>> >For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old
>> >SR-71operating base Kadena, Japan
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
>> >Crickmore (test pilot)
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
>> >submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably
>> >a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
>> >enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
>> >club."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
>> >If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot
>> >dies."
>> >"Never trade luck for skill."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
>> >are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
>> >pregnant."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to
>> >successfully complete the flight."
>> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in
>> >a row is prevarication."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
>> >there!"
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for
>> >the purpose of storing dead batteries."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to
>> >a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
>> >about it."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was
>> >forgotten."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will
>> >be held on a sunny day."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
>> >inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
>> >vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
>> >barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane
>> >to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
>> >-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into
>> >the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -
>> >Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
>> >near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
>> >appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
>> >It is much more difficult to fly there."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
>> >power to taxi to the terminal."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
>> >torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck
>> >arrives,the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The
>> >pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!

[Intrepid]

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama today
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Oklahoma
State Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
anyone.

[sweetdaisy]

BOO!!! HISSSS!!!! That sucked, Intrepid!

[mranderson]

Actually, the original version is more accurate... The DALLAS Cowboys.

[PUGalicious]

Agreed, sweetdaisy. It ignores history.

[Intrepid]

BOO!!! HISSSS!!!! That sucked, Intrepid!

:boff:

[Curt]

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.


If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.

If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when.............

1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of
a deer next to your blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means Ohio.

16. A brat is something you eat.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

22. You drink pop and bake with soda.

23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.

24. You know what a Yooper is.

25. You think owning a Honda is Un American.

26. You know that UP is a place not a direction.

27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.

28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

29. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.

30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.

[MadMonk]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who
was also a blonde. The officer asked to see her driver's
license.

The blonde driver dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she
finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and handed it to the policewoman saying "Here
it is".

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Keith]

The Laws of Work



If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done, and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will complete all your assigned work. If you're really good, you'll get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.