Dear Abby

[Leon]

In Friday's paper, there was a letter to Abby. To summarize, there was a 21 year old female (not the writer) preparing to wed a man. The man hoped to father three children with her. Unbeknownst to him, she had a hysterectomy at 16 and would never bear children. She did not intend to tell him until after the wedding.

Fellas, what would you do if in his situation after ther wedding and learning this?

Ladies, I'm sure this isn't typical. I doubt any woman here would do that to catch a man.

Personally, I'd walk away....even if my love for her was bigger than my desire for children.....he's fallen in love with who she said she was but not who she actually is, she's allowed him to believe something she knew was wrong and to base a major life decision on mis-information. If she knowingly hid something THAT big, knowing it had to come out eventually, there's no telling what else she'd hide. Annulment!!!!....never talk to or even look at her again.

[Curt]

If you cant go into a marriage being up front and honest, than it wont work later on. So, I'd have to walk away from that one.

[osupa05]

Wow, this whole situation should never be happening! First, yes, I agree that it's wrong that she is not telling him about her hysterectomy, and that when she does reveal it (which, who knows how long she will wait) it won't take long before he's out of there. Now, not to completely put this on the guy, but there is obviously something in him that makes her not trust that he will love her no matter what... She should never be with him in the first place! If the guy loves her, he will love her more than his want to to have children by her. He will love her "in sickness and in health". Why did she have the hyst. in the first place. There's got to be some underlying medical reason for a 21 y/o to have a hyst. If he wants her and children, there are plenty of kids already born in need of loving parents. So, she should trust him enough with that information BEFORE getting married, and if he leaves (which he obviously will after they are married), then he's a jerk who didn't love her in the first place. So, what was Abby's response?

[mranderson]

She said to tell him because in a lot of states (Oklahoma is probably one of them) failure to disclose this information is grounds for anulment.

I do not know what I would do. It really does not matter to me in m search, because, all though I regret not having kids, at age 50, it would not be fair to a child for me to start now.

The comment about why. I worked with a woman (I really call her a girl) who had ovarian cancer. Her doctor considered a hysterectomy, but told her he or she rarely performed them on women who had not given birth. If the woman's doctor has the same feelings, it must have been very serious or she insisted.

[Leon]

Abby's recommendation was that he be told. Otherwise he has grounds fo an annulment.

This is the equivalent off lifting her veil after giving the vows only to find that the person he just wed was not who he thought she was. You're right, he's not in love with her, he's in love with the person he's been led to believe she is. He doesn't even know HER.

She doesn't want to tell him because she knows he's in love with a lie and not her.

[Leon]

In Oklahoma, infertility is grounds for a divorce also...assuming they're married for years before he finds out.

[Karried]

Gasp! That's a sad story.... 21 is pretty young though and she is probably very immature. She was probably really scared of losing him - her life was forever altered with a hysterectomy - most little girls dream of having a baby of their own one day ...........

but, and a bit but at that, without honesty - you have nothing - forget about him ever trusting her again - it will always be at the back of his mind.

I think she should come clean before the wedding, ask for forgiveness, tell him her fears about him leaving her and start the adoption process.

[osupa05]

The comment about why. I worked with a woman (I really call her a girl) who had ovarian cancer. Her doctor considered a hysterectomy, but told her he or she rarely performed them on women who had not given birth. If the woman's doctor has the same feelings, it must have been very serious or she insisted.

My point exactly... 21 y/o do not just go around having hysterectomies. There is an underlying medical issue that could potentially complicate the picture even more, especially if it is CA. If it was something a little less grave (i.e. endometriosis), then it might not mean as much. But, CA is a very serious thing, even if it was completely resected with the hyst. That's a lot for a 21 y/o to deal with, and it emotionally would make things very difficult, especially when it comes to telling someone you're engaged to that you won't be able bear children. There's a lot more at stake here than just a guy wanting children, and I hope and pray that she finds courage to tell him, and that he loves her enough to stick it out.

[workman45]

My Ex had a hysterectomy some years before we started dating. She went so far as to pretend to have several miscarriages to cover her lie and to help convince me to marry her. She then said after the marriage that the doctor had told her the last miscarriage had make her infertile. She didn't wish to adopt, having 2 offspring already, so I spent 20 years helping to support her daughter and grandchildren. After the divorce her family finally told me the truth.

My brother is blessed with three lovely daughters and many grandchildren, but there is no one to carry on the family name and my dream of a family is gone because of a lie. I have to agree with Leon, he is not in love with the woman, he is in love with who she is pretending to be, with this caricature she has created in her own personal play. He has every right to leave her because he doesn't know her, he has only seen a facade of her own construction.

btw: This opinion isn't out of anger or bitterness, I've left that behind finally, it's just sadness from knowing the situation as a reality, not an abstraction.

[Karried]

ahhh workman45, that is such a shame.

You know what I think, you are too handsome and smart to not have a family if you wanted one though.

There are hundreds of single women out there that would love to hook up with you. Don't let this experience stop you from having children and a family if you want one. I don't know your age but the great thing about men is that you can procreate for a loongg time. Don't give up if that is your dream. Look at David Letterman... he is not a young father but I don't imagine that he loves his son any less.

[kschopfer]

Man, that is low down. Such selfish and decetful people in this world. Women and men. I have seen men do some doseys myself.
It just goes to show you need to really try to get to know the person you plan to have a future with. I can understand a man wanting to walk away from that one.

What dumb girl, woman would think they could talk themselves out of that one?
Total intrapment. I do not know what is worse getting pregnant to keep a man or being a total fraud?
Just don't get it.

[Leon]

Men put up with that crap every day....a good woman...anywonam is hard to find.

[kschopfer]

Women do too.....I can spot a good man quick. Don't have no probs with that.
Men or Women....the trick a finding a good one is knowing the signs of bad and good character. I can spot bad ones. I probably will remain single for some time because I've had the ability. It took me a long time to find a good one the first time. Sometimes people change and go bad. He really was good once.
Thats really how you have to look at it. Its not worth the heart ache.

I weed out the bad so quick, people think I'm cold cause I'm so quick to decide and move on. But I refuse to be a part and get hurt and will not get stuck w/ a goof. First ruleon't want no Smokers (or simpathizers of either) or heavy drinkers.

[kschopfer]

Oh, also Leon....Yes there are good women and men everywhere. Theres just more examples of the bad; Because the light been shed on them. We need to recognize and clarify, and make note of when we meet a good one.

[gbyte]

Personally I would definitely put the marriage on hold no matter what the plans but I do not know if I would walk away especially if I truly loved her. Love allows you to overcome many things but it if makes you get past that point then it is much harder to heal.

I would have to say that even though I definitely would like to have kids in the future that if I ended up completely falling in love with someone and they told me after we were getting serious that she could not have kids, I would definitely consider adoption.

While part of me still would like to see my immediate family name carry on (seems like most of my relatives with same last name which is less than probably 30) I would want to spend my time more with that person than worry about that.


Unfortunately there are women/men who will marry just to have kids once they get old (which I do not agree with) but as can be seen by most marriages nowadays they are not what they used to mean. Even though I grew up with the one-marriage principals taught into me but I can see reasons for some divorces but from what I see from the sidelines (even some people I work with/etc., that have gotten them) is that usually they got married for reasons other than truly wanting to be with the person for the rest of their life.

Just my 2 cents...

[Leon]

I could easily picture myself considering adoption....but being lied to would cast a big shadow on that.