The official joke thread

[Keith]

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:


26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

[Keith]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

>1. Yes = No

>2. No = No

>3. Maybe = No

>4. We need = I want..

>5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

>6 We need to talk = You're in trouble

>7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

>8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

>9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

>10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think

>about?

>

>MEN'S ENGLISH:

>1. I am hungry = I am hungry

>2. I a m sleepy = I am sleepy

>3. I am tired = I am tired

>4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

>5. I love you = Let's have sex now

>6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

>7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

>8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

>9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10.

>Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. I

>don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

>

>How to impress a woman:

>* Wine her,

>* Dine her;

>* Call her,

>* Hug her,

>* Support her,

>* Hold her,

>* Surprise her,

>* Compliment her,

>* Smile at her,

>* Listen to her,

>* Laugh with her,

>* Cry with her,

>* Romance her,

>* Encourage her,

>* Believe in her,

>* Pray with her,

>* Pray for her,

>* Cuddle with her,

>* Shop with her,

>* Give her jewelry,

>* Buy her flowers,

>* Hold her hand,

>* Write love letters to her,

>* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

>

>How to impress a man:

>*Show up naked

>*Bring chicken wings and coke

>*Don't block the TV

[Keith]

Pay Attention:

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, in medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking
on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told
them, the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.

[MadMonk]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying S.O.B.! You've been playing golf!"

[Keith]

Vanilla Pudding Robbery:

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article whichappeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts atdisablingthesecurity system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected tofind one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised toseehundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside theyfoundonlya small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "Atleast we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed,therobbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than aqueasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

[Keith]

1.WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4.WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5.WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMUUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6.WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our butts for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU' WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12.WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13.WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14.WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15.WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

[Keith]

COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA



I ain't much for shopping,

Or for goin' into town

Except at cattle-shipping time,

I ain't too easily found.



But the day came when I had to go -

I left the kids with Ma.

But 'fore I left, she asked me,

"Would you pick me up a bra?"



So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"

How tough could that job be?

An' I bent down and kissed her

An' said, "I'll be back by three."



Well, I done the things I needed,

But I started to regret

Ever offering to buy that thing -

I worked me up a sweat.



I walked into the ladies shop

My hat pulled over my eyes,

I didn't want to take a chance

On bein' recognized.



I walked up to the sales clerk -

I didn't hem or haw -

I told that lady right straight out,

"I'm here to buy a bra."



From behind I heard some snickers,

So I turned around to see

Every woman in that store

Was a'gawkin' right at me!



"What kind would you be looking for?

Well, I just scratched my head.

I'd only seen one kind before,

"Thought bras was bras," I said.



She gave me a disgusted look,

"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.

Follow me," I heard her say,

Like a dog, I tagged along.



She took me down this alley

Where bras was on display.

I thought my jaw would hit the floor

When I saw that lingerie.



They had all these different styles

That I'd never seen before

I thought I'd go plumb crazy

'fore I left that women's store.



They had bras you wear for eighteen hours

And bras that cross your heart.

There was bras that lift and separate,

And that was just the start.



They had bras that made you feel

Like you ain't wearing one at all,

And bras that you can train in

When you start off when you're small.



Well, I finally made my mind up -

Picked a black and lacy one -

I told the lady, "Bag it up,"

And figured I was done.



But then she asked me for the size

I didn't hesitate

I knew that measurement by heart,

"A six-and-seven-eighths."



"Six and seven eighths you say?

That really isn't right."

"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -

I measured them last night!"



I thought that she'd go into shock,

Musta took her by surprise

When I told her that my wife's bust

Was the same as my hat size.



"That's what I used to measure with,

I figured it was fair,

But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."

This drew another stare.



By now a crowd had gathered

And they all was crackin' up

When the lady asked to see my hat,

To measure for the cup.



When she finally had it figured,

I gave the gal her pay.

Then I turned to leave the store,

Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."



My wife had heard the story

'fore I ever made it home.

She'd talked to fifteen women

Who called her on the phone.



She was still a-laughin'

But by then I didn't care.

Now she don't ask and I don't shop

For women's underwear.

[Keith]

Mom's Dictionary



a.. AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor -

to make love again.

b.. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

c.. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance

apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

d.. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the

strained carrots.

e.. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

f.. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even

though they're sure you're not raising them right.

g.. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

h.. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

i.. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do

everything we s ay.

j.. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

k.. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing

dry shoes into it.

l.. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

m.. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and

to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

n.. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

o.. TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to

make those familiar grunting noises.

p.. VERBAL: able to whine in words.

q.. WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

r.. WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the

laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

[Keith]

WHY?

>

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries

are getting weak?

>

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there

is not enough?

>

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion

stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

>

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

>

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

>

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

>

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you

throw a revolver at him?

>

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

>

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

>

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

>

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles

are always white?

>

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

>

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that

something new to eat will have materialized?

>

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their

vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it

down to give the vacuum one more chance?

>

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

>

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

>

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a

shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all

right?"

>

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling

off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

>

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer

when we complained about the heat?

>

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

>

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your

wife told you to do it?

>

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky

diving!

>

And saving the best for last.....

>

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is

suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best

friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

[Keith]

Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost
all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the
roof of her hotel.

It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which
received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the
first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could
see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the
tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she
heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she
didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on
her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton
doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."


"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated... "Have you been
following me around? And besides, what difference does it make
ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me?
I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man,
"except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room
skylight."

[Keith]

Typical Conversations in South Florida:

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said:
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'"

[Curt]

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer
and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just
one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we
all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of
my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it
there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes
back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and
obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Faith]

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming.

He gave her that, "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen
her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized.

"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you
were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, What is the world coming to?
Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her
children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought,
but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you
the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had
wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second
grade teacher!"

[kellekokid]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the overall winner:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

[Curt]

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond
formed between a little girl and some construction
workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a
difference when we give a child the gift of our
time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to
a vacant lot. One day
a construction crew turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind
of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there
to make her feel important. At the end of the first
week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was
equally impressed and asked the little girl how she
had come by her very own pay check at such a young
age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last
week with the crew building the house next door to
us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and
will you be working on the house again this week,
too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those
a**holes at Home Depot everdeliver the fu**ing sheet
rock!

[Curt]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before
I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of
customers and said, "About 2 hours ." The guy left. A few days later
the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy
left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the
shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked
around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later,
Bill returned to the! shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked,

"So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in
his eyes and said, "Your house."

[tomokc]

A priest wakes up on a beautiful Sunday morning. Not having taken a Sunday off in a long, long time, he calls one of the church elders to say that he's sick.

"Joe," he wheezes, "I just can't speak today. You'll have to cover for me while I stay home in bed," says the priest.

"Not a problem, Father," replies the elder.

The priest throws his golf bag in the trunk of his car and heads for the golf course, not realizing that Jesus and God are watching.

"Dad," says Jesus, "You're not going to let him get away with that, are you?"

God replies, "Not to worry, my son."

The priest addresses his ball up on the first tee box, swings and drives the ball - on the fly - 350 yards, straight into the cup!

Jesus, almost beside himself with incredulity, cries out, "Dad! I can't believe you just did that!!!," to which God responded...

"Who's he going to tell?"

[mranderson]

Doctor Jokes

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
Prehistoric Times - "Here, eat this root."
0 ...."That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."


2000. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
*********************





A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

*********************



A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

*********************



The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

*********************



"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

*********************



A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[Keith]

Rednecks.......

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They searched
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece
of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy"

Who Says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright?

[mranderson]

Two elderly people are before a judge finalizing a divorce. The Judge asks their ages. The man says he is 95, the woman 90. The judge then asks how long they have been married. 75 years boasts the elderly man. The judge then asks how long they have had marital problems. She tells the judge "I've wanted to get rid of that old fart for 50 years." "Why has it taken so long for you to divorce," the Judge wonders. The man then says "we had to wait for the kids to die."

[Keith]

It's Tough Getting Old .... Annual Physical Time.....

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

************************************************** *************************
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

[Keith]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

>>If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"

>5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

>6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

>7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

>8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

>9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

>10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

>11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

>12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

>13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into

the room.

>14. You sing along with elevator music.

>15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

>16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay

off.

>17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national

Weather service.

>18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't

Remember them either.

19.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20.You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are

>all in Big Print for your convenience.

[Keith]

Country songs that "could" have made #1 on the charts.





>#15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
> > >
> >#14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
> > >
> >#13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
> > >
> >#12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.
> > >
> >#11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin'Better.
> > >
> >#10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
> > >
> >#9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
> > >
> >#8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
> > >
> >#7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By
> >Now.
> > >
> >#6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
> > >
> >#5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
> > >
> >#4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
> > >
> >#3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.
> > >
> >#2. She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer.
> > >
> >And the Number One Favorite Country Song of 2004 is:
> > >
> >#1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up
> >With A Few.

[Curt]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and
says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that... get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them
out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan
overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that
there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What
have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the
bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan,
and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day, and the guard meets him
in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you
smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[Keith]

Next Time You Have a Bad Day, Recall That...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten
by a killer whale.
*
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly
with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
*
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight
hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been
cut off.
*
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she
whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm
in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to
his walkman.
*
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs,
all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two protestors to death.
*
And the capper.....
*
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was a bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
*
SOOOOO,.....have a nice day!