A Warm Welcome
Ah hello!. It's nice to see you all here. As the more perceptive of you probably realised by now, this is Hell. And I am the Devil (good evening), but you can call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal in here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. I tell it every time.
Now, you're all here for... eternity! Ooh! Which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time, so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end. But for now I'm going to have to split you up in groups. WILL YOU STOP SCREAMING! Thank you.
What's that? No, I'm afraid there aren't any toilets. If you read your Bible, you might have seen that it was damnation without relief, so if you did not go before you came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much... but then I believe that's the idea.
All right, off we go now...
Murderers? Murderers over here, please. Thank you. Looters and pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them, lawyers and bank managers, you're in that lot too.
Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you! Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner.
Americans, are you here? Look, I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned your entire group. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He realizes put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles. The Iranians, I'm afraid, can't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for about nine months.
Em... the French, if you could just come down here along with the Germans. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.
Okay, atheists? Atheists over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits. Never mind. And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry but I'm afraid the Jews were right. If you would come down here, that would be really fine.
Okay. Well, it's over to you, Adolf! And I'll catch you all later at the barbecue. Bye!
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