The official joke thread

[Midtowner]

Two men were changing in the locker room at the local fitness center. Steven observes that his friend Calvin is wearing women's underwear. He asks him, "Calvin, I didn't know you wore women's underwear, when did you start doing that?"

Calvin replies, "I started when my wife found these in the glove box of my car."

[Karried]

The Blond Guy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

"Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

............are you ready for it?....................



"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

[Karried]

Canniball Joke

Q: What does a canniball do after he dumps his girlfriend?

A: He wipes his butt.

[Karried]

A Likely Story

A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.


"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.


The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."


The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."


"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[El Gato Pollo Loco!!!]

Two men walk into a bar...the third one ducks...

[mranderson]

What do you call the typical Oklahoma City driver?

Answer: Slower than a snail overdosed on valium.

[Keith]

Two men walk into a bar...the third one ducks...

Ok, ok...if you are going to tell a joke, you gotta tell the whole thing....or did you forget the punch line?


Ok, let me try this one...


And we thought Alabama stories were something!!!!

This happened about a month ago just outside of Cocodrie, a little

town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an
Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking

on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed

slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his

face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing

ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and

stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the

door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the

wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.


Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too
scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car

was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he

started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car

would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown!



But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's

window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding

the car safely around the bend.



Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker
was alone again!


Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time

they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all

he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.



Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered

two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural

experience.



A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized

the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk).


About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says
to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car

when we wuz pushin' it in the rain."

[MasterWolf]

Looking back on photos

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

[Karried]

Alright, I'm blonde, but someone please explain El Gato Pollo Loco's Joke to me please..... :surrender I can't figure it out.

[Keith]

Alright, I'm blonde, but someone please explain El Gato Pollo Loco's Joke to me please..... :surrender I can't figure it out.

Two men walk in to a bar(not a drinking establishment type bar, but a bar...like a pole that is long and hurts when you run in to it).....the third one ducks(so, he doesn't run into the bar and get hurt, too)

[Karried]

I knew I would feel stupid when I got the answer.

That just tells you where my mind is... alcohol.

I need a vacation on a tropical island with umbrella drinks.

Did everyone else get it or is it just me???


:stars:

[Curt]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[El Gato Pollo Loco!!!]

Ok, ok...if you are going to tell a joke, you gotta tell the whole thing....or did you forget the punch line? ...

Hit 'em hard, hit 'em fast and get outta there!

[Curt]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What! What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in!"

"You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
................according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[Karried]

That was a laugh out loud one Mariner.... it's great to share laughs

[Curt]

Once in awhile I get some good ones, glad I can make someone laugh

[MasterWolf]

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------


A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate
their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday,
with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked
into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided
to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was
called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided
to check her e-mail expecting messages of condolence from
relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother
on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've
just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to
seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

[Curt]

Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Todd]

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a
guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along
the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads
through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around,
searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves
faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed
straight for the water at the edge of the airport
territory. As it begins to look as though the plane
will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the
air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is
in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to
the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these
days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna die."

[Keith]

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.


"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

__________________________________________________ _______________

Subject: THE COLLAR

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he w ore
his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[Karried]

Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

[Karried]

When you need the perfect insult -caution do not try this at home or on your boss.....


A collection of insults!

Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.


I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

[Keith]

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY....




My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the heck was I thinking?"



Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?



I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,someone to love.
After having met you .
I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)



Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!



When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.




We have been friends for a very long time .
let's say we stop?


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.



Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?



Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
&n bsp; So we're having you put to sleep.



So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

[Keith]

Subject: Social Security

After retiring, I went to the social security office

to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the

counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry

but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have

to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened

my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That

silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she

processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my

experience at the social security office. She says, "You should

have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too

[Keith]

EVER WONDER...!
>
> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
>
> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
>
> Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
>
> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
>
>
> Why is it that doctors and lawyers call what they do "practice"?
>
>
> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing
> liquid made with real lemons?
>
>
> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>
>
> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>
>
> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>
>
> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>
>
> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
>
> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
> don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
>
>
> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>
>
> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
>
> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
>
>
> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>