The official joke thread

[AFCM]

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?



A: Half way!

[mranderson]

Is There Baseball in Heaven?

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."
And shortly after, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"
"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."

[andy157]

Is There Baseball in Heaven?

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."
And shortly after, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"
"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."

This seemed so much funnier when madmonk posted it two post earlier @ #275

[Oh GAWD the Smell!]

This seemed so much funnier when madmonk posted it two post earlier @ #275

But does madmonk have a family history of minor league baseball?

I invented pants.

[MadMonk]

But does madmonk have a family history of minor league baseball?

I invented pants.

No, but I did play little league ball. Therefore, you must all bow before my expertise.

Thanks for pants, by the way.

[Tim]

Just like a stupid baby liberal to say "thanks for pants". Stupid liberal.

[CMSturgeon]

Tim, you are so liberal.

[OkieKAS]

[Keith]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."


**************************


In a Podiatrist's office:


"Time wounds all heels."


*****************! *********


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon


Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


**************************


On another Septic Tank Truck:


"We' re #1 in the #2 business"


**************************


At a Proctologist's door:


"To expedite your visit please back in."


**************************


On a Plumber's truck:


"We repair what your husband fixed."


**************************


On another Plumber's truck:


"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**************************


On a Church's Billboard:


"7 days without God makes one weak."


**************************


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:


"Invite us to your next blowout."


**************************


On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:


"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"


**************************


At a Towing company:


"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


**************************


On an Electrician's truck:


"Let us remove your shorts."


**************************


In a Nonsmoking Area:


"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


**************************


On a Maternity Room door:


"Push. Push. Push."


**************************


At an Optometrist's Office :


"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


**************************


On a Taxidermist's window:


"We really know our stuff."


**************************


On a Fence


"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"


**************************


At a Car Dealership:


"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


**************************


Outside a Muffler Shop:


"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."


**************************


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:


"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


**************************


At the Electric Company :


"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.


However, if you don't, you will be."


**************************


In a Restaurant window :


"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."


**************************


In the front yard of a Funeral Home :


"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


**************************


At a Propane Filling Station ,


"Thank heaven for little grills."


**************************


And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:


Best place in town to take a leak

[PUGalicious]

Those are really, really funny, Keith!

[Keith]

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California ) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a
nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.

[Keith]

Summer Olympics and Mexico

The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer
Olympics. He said, "Anyone who can climb, run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

[Intrepid]

Hang on to any of the new Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the Oklahoma quarter, which was designed by a team of specialists from OSU. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

[Tim]

What did the Budhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

[CMSturgeon]

What did the Budhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

??

[MadMonk]

??

Buddhists strive to "become one" with the universe, or something like that.

[MadMonk]

Bringing this thread back to life!

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement.

"Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, When once more, the Man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE?!?!"

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back... "Would the S.O.B. with the microphone please keep quiet and let me play my second shot!"

Yep, been there done that.

[MadMonk]

While leaving the hospital, a nurse's friend asks her if she'd like to try golfing with some of the other nurses that weekend. The weather forecast is nothing but sunshine, so she figures why not?

Well that Sunday, this group of nurses who'd never golfed before were bombing the hell out of the course. They were knocking balls EVERYWHERE. Inevitably, the nurse drills one, right towards a group of guys at the adjacent green. The unlucky victim keels over in pain, with his hands between his legs.

She runs over to the poor guy, completely overwhelmed with guilt. "I'm so sorry!!!" she exclaims. To the surprise of the growing crowd of observers, she decides to put her hand down his pants and starts gently massaging his testacles. "I'm a nurse and I can help you. Does that feel better?" she asks. He replies, "That feels GREAT... but my thumb still hurts!"

[MadMonk]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the Fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play The ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the Caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play The ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

[Oh GAWD the Smell!]

lol

[metro]

Forgive me if this one's been posted. I'm just glad to see a joke thread on here.

What do you get when a Philipino and a Hollander (person from Holland) have a kid?

A Hollapino

[MadMonk]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!

[jstanthrnme]

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

to hide in a strawberry patch.

[Jesseda]

Q: why did the young canniball child get dentention

A: He was caught buttering up his teacher

[dalelakin]

Played a game of UNO with some of the Mexican guys at work the other day. Suckers kept taking all of the green cards.