I was ready to post another stream of platitudes and pacifiers here . . .
Instead, I will resort to this "parable":

When confronted with grief, a two year old climbed up into the lap of someone she knew.
The grief-stricken person was calmed.
"What did you say?" a by-stander asked.
"Nothing. I just crawled up into her lap and cried too."

That, too, is a form of kindness.

(I've been in car, motorcycle and mountain-climbing accidents.
plus a divorce. You will get over it.)

(suggestion: get over it. don't ever forget it.)

I'm only 19, so I obviously haven't been married nor divorced -- although I was close to marriage a couple of months ago before my girlfriend went off the deep end and decided she didn't want me literally over night, which I take as an intervention from God because I don't want to be with someone that's that "wishy washy" --, but I grew up in a violent home full of physical altercations and alcohol abuse that at one point almost lead to the death of my little sister and mom. It was that alcoholic rampage by my dad where he almost killed my mom and sister by pure rage that lead to my parents getting divorced when I was only 5. After the divorce, both of my parents began using heavy drugs and my sister, my mom, and I became homeless for the most part. Not actually homeless, but we were either sleeping in a car or at one of my mom's doping friends house. If we ate, it was at max a hamburger from McDonald's, but usually just a small thing of fries. Luckily, my great grandparents stepped in and got custody of my sister and I before things got much worse, but I still loved my parents. I went 5 years before I was able to spend more than a few hours a week with either one of them.

Sometimes people aren't meant to be and divorce is the best option. My parents weren't able to coexist very well and my sister and I were at risk of being hurt severely or dying on pretty much a daily basis. In spite of the nature of the home I was raised in and the environments I was around as a small, innocent child, I never lost the love for my parents. My mom got her life together and is living such a different life now and my dad gave up drugs and alcohol and became one of the greatest men I've ever known before passing away in August of 2012. If nothing else, Kerry, stay the strong, honorable man that you are for your boys. I'm sorry your wife wound up being that type, but what she did or does doesn't matter. You're one of the most logical posters on this board and I hold you in very high regard. I'll be praying for you and I send my absolute best regards. I'm no longer in Atlanta, I'm back in OKC, but be sure and let us all know when you're back in town. I'd love to get together.

I have watched this whole episode unfold like a car accident. I keep replaying every event asking myself what I could have done different to avoid it. Should I have been in the other lane, should I have been going fast, slower, on a different street, driving a different car, etc.... Then I realized it was more like the old man in Groundhog Day. I could get 1000 shots at a do over and it doesn't matter - the old man dies every single time.

I've been down the drifting apart road after marrying very young and staying married long enough to get several children raised. I finally left because things were so empty and we couldn't talk without arguing. I was scared spitless that I'd end up having an affair and I just didn't want to be that kind of person or that kind of role model for my kids. My husband tried everything to save the marriage and speaking from the other side (the one who wanted out), it just ripped me up to hurt him when he was trying so hard. Cheating on him on top of that, to me, would be unforgivable. I told him he deserved someone who genuinely loved him and I meant it. I suspect he thought those were just words and that he absolutely hated me for leaving. That ripped me apart but I understood. He was my first love and will always hold a big part of my heart. About ten years after we divorced he met a lovely woman who was just perfect for him. If they'd met earlier, it wouldn't have worked. They've been married for several years and I am happy to share my grand babies with her - she healed his heart when I couldn't. People go through a lot of twists and turns in their life. Put your boys first - they are the ones who will always be there.

I wish I could say that the kids have been shielded but on several occasions they haven't been. One of the problems is that she invited her 'friend' to go along on outings that she told me were bonding time for her and the boys. Of course, when I found out about that the kids were present and I wasn't nice about it. Likewise, at other times I found things in the middle of the night and woke her to ask her to explain. Of course, it doesn't take long for the kids to wake up. If she had been honest up front when I first confronted her about it there wouldn't have been the slow discovery of information and it might have been easier to handle, but it wasn't, I found it piece by piece and she just continued the denials.

As for saying bad things about her in front the kids - she IS a bad person (it pains me to say that but sooner or later I have to face reality I guess). She didn't used to always be this way but she is now.

Whoa. I hat to admit it but this brings back memories of my divorce. It sucks to holy hell but will get better. Focus on your kids and your parental rights.


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[Ref Post #63, above/PQ]

I suppose this is why you find more personal happiness in quilting and sharing thoughts than the joy involved in lawyering.
(and that is exactly the opposite of a negative observation regardless of how you receive it. =)

[Ref Post #63, above/PQ]

I suppose this is why you find more personal happiness in quilting and sharing thoughts than the joy involved in lawyering.
(and that is exactly the opposite of a negative observation regardless of how you receive it. =)
I actually really enjoy lawyering - I just needed a break from the heartache for awhile to recharge my batteries. Been back to it for awhile - enough to keep me as busy as I want.

I have a close friend who is going through a divorce as well and we share our pain. She often wondered if it would have been easier on her if her husband an affair so then she could be mad him. I told her my experience has been that it made it worse. Not only do I have the pain of the divorce but now the betrayal as well - and here in Florida SHE will get primary custody of the children. Go figure.

Do not hesitate to get yourself a good bulldog attorney who specializes on the man's side. If your wife has been cheating on you that could very well get you custody. I realize what you said about Florida law but there is such a thing as integrity and the courts have started to take more of a look at the husband's abilities.

I got a good bulldog attorney when I went through this half a lifetime ago.
The bulldog attorney I hired was a bitch.
In the best sense of the term.
(she was kin to a well-known, local, Bail Bonds clan and totally took care of business)

But that was then, this is now, and I am and was in Oklahoma rather than Florida.
(still . . . the advice offered--at #67 is a good idea.)

Be sure to make it clear that you don't want the kids dragged into the court proceedings.

Do not hesitate to get yourself a good bulldog attorney who specializes on the man's side. If your wife has been cheating on you that could very well get you custody. I realize what you said about Florida law but there is such a thing as integrity and the courts have started to take more of a look at the husband's abilities.

In a harshly contested, scotched earth matter, you need a smart, gutsy attorney. A bulldog. If you reasonably think you can work it out, equitably, don't overlook the value of an attorney who can negotiate AND who knows the lay of the land well enough to distinguish between a good deal, a bad deal and one full of pitfalls. Bulldogs are a dime a dozen but, especially when kids and retirement accounts are involved, you need a strong, smart divorce attorney who is tough, sane and an expert on the subject. One with a good reputation with the court helps, also. And be classy - always. That doesn't contradict tough. When the dust settles, those boys of yours are going to be balancing/juggling the two of you from here on out. If you parents can make it easier on them, they'll bless you.

Do NOT wait long to find a good attorney.

Is Florida a no fault state?

Florida is a no fault state.

JTF- Sorry to hear that you are going thru some tough times. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Best wishes to you!

I've been down the drifting apart road after marrying very young and staying married long enough to get several children raised. I finally left because things were so empty and we couldn't talk without arguing. I was scared spitless that I'd end up having an affair and I just didn't want to be that kind of person or that kind of role model for my kids. My husband tried everything to save the marriage and speaking from the other side (the one who wanted out), it just ripped me up to hurt him when he was trying so hard. Cheating on him on top of that, to me, would be unforgivable. I told him he deserved someone who genuinely loved him and I meant it. I suspect he thought those were just words and that he absolutely hated me for leaving. That ripped me apart but I understood. He was my first love and will always hold a big part of my heart. About ten years after we divorced he met a lovely woman who was just perfect for him. If they'd met earlier, it wouldn't have worked. They've been married for several years and I am happy to share my grand babies with her - she healed his heart when I couldn't. People go through a lot of twists and turns in their life. Put your boys first - they are the ones who will always be there.

That might be the kindest, most decent post I have ever read on this board Penny.

JTF - I wish you the best as you go through this difficult time. I've been there before and time is the best salve for the unavoidable wounds. Hopefully in time, forgiveness will come. Just be there for your boys no matter what.