Sounds to me like it's not what you guys are doing but more like the type of women they were. Doesn't sound to me like these women have a lot of self worth; they need people or things to help boost them up. It's as though they are hooked on drugs, the more you gave them, (emotionally), the more they needed. It's like a high.... the feeling of being needed, loved, and admired. With people like that (and not just with women), you can't win. They always need more and then it gets to a point that getting a "fix" from their partner isn't enough, so they seek it elsewhere. I feel that any relationship you have, good or bad you learn something so take what you learned to the next relationship. As far as not believing you can have another great relationship, that's just crazy. You cannot allow someone else’s insecurities to rob you of loving again, we all want to love and be loved and that only happens with an open heart. These women have already robbed you guys of one love DO NOT allow them to succeed in robbing you of future love. I know I don't know anyone here and I do tend to ramble on and on but I do know about being hurt and I refuse to allow anyone to take my future away from me, and my future has love all in it.

Just exactly how are we to stop attracting these women if we aren't told what's up? A person can not correct someting unless they are told they are doing it.

Hopefully, after several relationships you might be able to see the warning signs??? Maybe not right at first but I believe a persons true colors will eventually shine through.

Hopefully, after several relationships you might be able to see the warning signs??? Maybe not right at first but I believe a persons true colors will eventually shine through.

We are narrowing this down. What if you haven't been made aware of those signs? What are they? Personally, I do not know how to read most signals.

Well if a man or woman tends to be overly materialistic, to me that might be a warning sign of selfishness. Not always, but sometimes when a person is very self-absorbed they can't take a step back and be there for you like they should be. It is all about them. And if for some reason you want the relationship to be about you as well. This is just too much for them so instead of working through the problem they run away and think it might be best just to start over... or look for their next victim.

Seems to me as if these type of people ( men or women) are to selfish to be in a serious relationship in the first place.
Exactly

I think maybe some warning signs might be if this person doesn't have a lot of friends, close relationships or other interests, clings to you in the beginning, is insecure, is immature and hasn't had a lot of success in past relationships. Sometimes you won't know for awhile if this is the case.

A warning sign in the relationship is when the other person suddenly makes themselves less available, doesn't call or email as much as before and just seems distant.

This I truly believe - when someone starts pulling away, the worse thing to do is to chase after them. It feels so right to try to win their love back by being overly friendly and giving and loving, but in my experience, they seem to recoil from that, it's only when you step back and let them miss you and come after you, then they seem to realize what they might be losing. When someone asks me what they should do, I suggest taking a breather, step back, don't call them - be very patient ( even though it's so painful ) and wait it out. Let them be a little curious, let them think you are desirable to others, don't let them think you are pathetically sitting at home waiting for them to call! If there is anything left -they will start missing you and come after you. If not, then maybe it wasn't meant to be and someone else is out there waiting to be found or waiting to find you.

A lot of people feel so emotionally raw, they want to share these feelings with the one they love, but that person may not want to see how vulnerable and hurt you are, if they are causing it. That's where friends and counselors can help.

Leon, how are you holding up?

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."
-- Kahlil Gibran

I can tell you all a BIG sign that is commonly ignored. I think probably we have all ignored at some time or other in out lives. It's called INTUITION. If at any time you don't feel right about something, figure out why. DO NOT ignore it.

A few weeks ago I was scanning the Saturday afternoon AM talk radio stations (talk about bored, I was probably the only person in OKC doing so.). Anyway, some lady who claimed to be psychic was talking about how everyone is psychic to a degree and cited intuition as an example. I wish I could hear that again, it was interesting. Not to change the subject though....sounds like another thread.

Well if a man or woman tends to be overly materialistic, to me that might be a warning sign of selfishness. Not always, but sometimes when a person is very self-absorbed they can't take a step back and be there for you like they should be. It is all about them. And if for some reason you want the relationship to be about you as well. This is just too much for them so instead of working through the problem they run away and think it might be best just to start over... or look for their next victim.


I'd love to be there for somebody...problem is, once they learn you can be counted upon, you're taken for granted, and that's when ya get crapped on.

I'd love to be there for somebody...problem is, once they learn you can be counted upon, you're taken for granted, and that's when ya get crapped on.
Amen to that brother.

A warning sign in the relationship is when the other person suddenly makes themselves less available, doesn't call or email as much as before and just seems distant.


A lot of people feel so emotionally raw, they want to share these feelings with the one they love, but that person may not want to see how vulnerable and hurt you are, if they are causing it. That's where friends and counselors can help.

Leon, how are you holding up?


I should've quoted the whole message but didn't for space....Sounds like you've lived my life. It's about the hardest thing I've ever done...stepping back, but you're right, I have to. I've probably ruined it by appearing too needy already. I'll end here before I start typing a lot of profanity.

I have lived through this ( a few times ) and I've survived and you will too Leon...it just feels horrible right now, but believe me when I say this, it will pass and you will be a better, stronger person for it. Don't give up- this is just the beginning of better things to come for you - we are all here for you and we do care as trite as that may seem ... often during the day, I'll pause and think of you and Mariner and friends on this board and I hope that you are okay... and I know you will be. I won't go into all of the pat responses but I do believe in just taking it one day at a time, get through today and before you know you will be smiling and happy again and will be ready to open your heart to someone else, just be patient - it will come, without a doubt.

I think maybe some warning signs might be if this person doesn't have a lot of friends, close relationships or other interests, clings to you in the beginning, is insecure, is immature and hasn't had a lot of success in past relationships. Sometimes you won't know for awhile if this is the case.

A warning sign in the relationship is when the other person suddenly makes themselves less available, doesn't call or email as much as before and just seems distant.

This I truly believe - when someone starts pulling away, the worse thing to do is to chase after them. It feels so right to try to win their love back by being overly friendly and giving and loving, but in my experience, they seem to recoil from that, it's only when you step back and let them miss you and come after you, then they seem to realize what they might be losing. When someone asks me what they should do, I suggest taking a breather, step back, don't call them - be very patient ( even though it's so painful ) and wait it out. Let them be a little curious, let them think you are desirable to others, don't let them think you are pathetically sitting at home waiting for them to call! If there is anything left -they will start missing you and come after you. If not, then maybe it wasn't meant to be and someone else is out there waiting to be found or waiting to find you.

A lot of people feel so emotionally raw, they want to share these feelings with the one they love, but that person may not want to see how vulnerable and hurt you are, if they are causing it. That's where friends and counselors can help.



I agree with 99% of this post with exception of the comment about someone who does not have a lot of friends.

A person maybe like myself I live a very busy lifestyle. Therefore, I do not have a lot of time to hang out with people. The friends I do have are mostly co-workers, and fellow students.

The problem with these people is none of them are near my age. Most are much younger or way older. The younger folks just want to drink and party all the time. The older folks are married or involved in thier own lives. In the coming months I will have more free time so I will get more involved and more active with other people.

The rest of your post is right on the money, I could not have said it better myself.

Oddly, I'd say I have few friends myself....very many acquantances, but very few I'd call friends.

My thoughts on the friends issue....question the reason why a person doesn't have many friends. If it's because of a busy work schedule or new to the area, maybe they are a quiet type of personality something like that, then to me, that is certainly understandable. If a person doesn't have many, or even just a couple, friends they can count on to be there during the good and bad times then that might be a cause for worry. Part of that afor mentioned intuition...
I'm begining to believe that negative type of personalities are going to be people that just don't have friends, people just don't want to be around them, and people that have a postive outlook are going to keep trying to make a negative situation postive, and may not realize that the person they are involved with just isn't a positive spirit cause it's hard to imagine not being that. I'm speaking as one who knows. I just don't enjoying being negative, granted there are going to be times you just can't help but be that way but to live that way, kinda living off of other peoples kindness, open and loving ways to just use...I don't get that...
But, back to my point (drifted myself off the topic...ha) Question the reasons a person doesn't have many friends and look at the quality of the friendships they do have.

So in other words if a person does not have many friends or close friends for that matter. They do not have the right to have a romantic relationship. They should look at making friends before even thinking about looking for love.

yes, so very true....too bad people like that don't come with a warning label.

no,no,no ... not at all what I was saying about friends... I was saying that a warning sign of insecurity would be if this person is clinging to you without having any other friends to go to ( depends on you exclusively for all interactions) has no one else but you to talk to and be with.

There is no way I am saying that if you don't have friends you are not entitled to a relationship, I'm just saying maybe watch out for someone who is too dependent on you in the beginning of the relationship... without anyone else in their lives.

I agree with Kellie when she says that it depends on why you don't have friends. If you can't nurture a friendship because you fear intimacy or don't really like people, then how can you nurture a relationship?

If you are busy and are in a different age group, that 's a circumstancial situation, not a personality flaw.

Most people are attracted to active, fun & positive people..... what looks better to someone than having a group of people who like you and want to spend time with you ( wouldn't this person want to get to know you as well?) If you have not one friend - it might, just maybe make one wonder why this might be.

I can imagine in the beginning of a relationship ... " What are you doing this weekend, "Oh, nothing, "What are you doing tonight, "Oh nothing - just watching TV ... "Where are you going on vacation? " Oh nowhere, just sitting home ..." a crazy example I know, but if someone has an active and fun lifestyle, maybe others might want to join in and be a part of it.

OklaCity 75 .... what might be surprising is if you did go out and make some new friends, that just might lead to something else ( romantic maybe? ) :wink:

no,no,no ... not at all what I was saying about friends... I was saying that a warning sign of insecurity would be if this person is clinging to you without having any other friends to go to ( depends on you exclusively for all interactions) has no one else but you to talk to and be with.

There is no way I am saying that if you don't have friends you are not entitled to a relationship, I'm just saying maybe watch out for someone who is too dependent on you in the beginning of the relationship... without anyone else in their lives.

I agree with Kellie when she says that it depends on why you don't have friends. If you can't nurture a friendship because you fear intimacy or don't really like people, then how can you nurture a relationship?

If you are busy and are in a different age group, that 's a circumstancial situation, not a personality flaw.

Most people are attracted to active, fun & positive people..... what looks better to someone than having a group of people who like you and want to spend time with you ( wouldn't this person want to get to know you as well?) If you have not one friend - it might, just maybe make one wonder why this might be.

I can imagine in the beginning of a relationship ... " What are you doing this weekend, "Oh, nothing, "What are you doing tonight, "Oh nothing - just watching TV ... "Where are you going on vacation? " Oh nowhere, just sitting home ..." a crazy example I know, but if someone has an active and fun lifestyle, maybe others might want to join in and be a part of it.

OklaCity 75 .... what might be surprising is if you did go out and make some new friends, that just might lead to something else ( romantic maybe? ) :wink:

I completely agree with you. For me in the coming months I will have more free time. We are short handed at work and the summer college semester is keeping me busy as well.

In my case it's not like I don't have anybody to hang out with. I have a large family and I do have a few friends I hang out with when I have free time. Time is the only issue effecting my love life. In a way I'm staying away from the dating game until things slow down.

Right now if I was seeing someone I could only see them maybe once a week at most.

I have a positive attitude and I know things will work out for me just like they will for everyone else that has posted on this thread.

I do appreciate the kind words and advice.

If anyone's wondering how my ultimatum turned out.....she blew it off.....said she was tired, had a headache and was going to bed.....we haven't talked since and I don't expect to. Although I would if I had ANY indication that she still had feelings for me.

I was wondering how it turned out, but did not want to pry into that Leon, there is a song by Jet that kinda sounds like it fits her called "Cold Hearted Bitch" I know mine was.

Sounds like space is needed although, don't know the circumstance. Male or Female sometimes needs space. And I know sometimes the person on the receiving side needs an answer. I've been there but, there are times you have to back. Cause you could loose them for good. Hey, you still might, but atleast you wouldn't and they couldn't say you didn't back and give em a chance. Right.

As I sit here right now.....HATE is brewing....because of this pain, so easily delivered....months of my life, a lie....dreams, wadded up and tossed in the trash.....my most personal self, vulnerable...............Oh, Love.....the price I've paid to find you.......I promise myself, I will not pay again until I find a refund.

I understand Leon. People are not trust worthy. You need to meet someone in the real world with no hangups. Cause people w/ hangups just drag others down. So, when I say real world, I mean where you can truely look them over. Personals, wouldn't do nothing but help you past time. But it doen't hurt to get it off your mind. Let some time pass to heal your self. It really will happen.

I sign off after typing that last post to tell her I was done....that I would not and could not take any more. I told her that I'd die for her well-being but not so she could wipe her *ss with me. I told her that being alone a week from now looked better than being ignore a week from now. I'm done.

Leon, how are you holding up? Sounds like you had a long night..... give it some time... you will be okay - even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

She stirred......I wouldn't say she woke up. She did try to talk today. It's apparent she's thinking. She knows I still don't WANT things to end, she also knows I wont be looking for her anymore, I wont call, I will not attempt to make contact in any way. So I think it's over. Saving anything is entirely up to her now. Now it's critical for me not to initiate anything. If I did, I'd lose all credibilty, be spineless, and weak.....I would feel that way too.

Before anyone says, "Don't let pride get in the way.".....I can't do any more than I already have.

Leon, how are you doing?? You Okay? Just making sure you are alright - you know you have friends here....

Leon, I don't think you should ever be with anyone else. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but there are alot of great single people out there looking to find that perfect person and as long as your guard is up, you will only waste the time and effort of a lady that may be really trying to have a life with you. I know this from experience. Stock up on crossword puzzles. From the way you sound, you will only torture anyone that tries to walk into your life, as I have, thinking your getting back at someone, when all your going to do is hurt other people and turn into the very person that made you this way. I'm sure that you would not want to start a relationship with someone that has pre-conceived notion that your going to rip their world apart, do you agree? It's best that you stay home on the weekends.

I'm better. Things have all come to light in the last 48 hrs. All was explained and I, like her, cannot see an alternative. No details, please don't ask. A SERIOUS family matter has arisen, one even I knew has been brewing for more than eight months. She must move far away. I agree she has no choice. She could not bring herself to tell me for knowing it'd hurt me so, as it does. It's sad that she could not tell me as it happened, but understandable. She was protecting me. Had she told me earlier, I would've understood and supported her. I wish she had. It can't be helped, I know. She cried hard....so hard. I offered my unwaivering support for life. Sometimes love has to let go. I now truely beleive both of us will always love each other without comparison. I know. Thankfully, we can now remain on good terms.....forever. The best match imaginable....friend, lover, confidant....now probably never wife. :( I fully support her though....I'd have to do the same. God bless her please....there was no wrong there what so ever.

Dkaye, you've only seen the hurt Leon, not the true one. Too bad,.....he understands now and he's available.....with a clear, acceptable, understandable reason why.

I willingly accept this hurt tonight.....I WOULD die for her well-being. I can get better now, and quickly.

Now I can try again with 100% effort.

Leon, I hope things work out for you friend. Not that it makes it any easier to lose someone you love with all your heart, it sucks bad still, but at least you now know the reason.

Dkaye.....if your out to meet people in the next few weeks, please say, "D K" within the first few minutes, if it's me I may want to bow out.

Mariner, this is the first love I've lost on good terms.....odd to lose one and feel good that it was the right thing. She's the best..........Funny, .....challenge me to say anything bad about her tonight, no way.

Leon, if mine had told me the truth from the beginning why she could not see me anymore, I would have understood and I would have not got defensive and ruined it, all people need is the truth from the beginning and most would understand. I wish mine had done that and we could still at least be friends, and I am trying still to fix it, with all my heart I want to fix it, but she is being very hard to deal with right now.

Mariner, I'm not the best, but I can USUALLY read people....In my situation, she couldn't hurt me.....it's not really a concious decision, but she chose to fight a breakup. Maybe our relationship could've gone a step further...feeling comfortable that tha partner would understand a break up........sometimes true love is demonstrated by letting go.

I am usually pretty good at reading people also, but this came like a shot in the night for me, totally unexpected, I guess that is what hurts the most. I know I will find someone and love that person, but I just want the honest truth why things went south with the girl I was seeing, then I could let go. I will not close my heart off to anyone still, I am a good man with alot to give the right woman who wants it, and she will be happy or I will die trying.

I have a HUGE problem, Mariner. What do I do....what....after what I believe to be the best woman to ever walk the earth? I swear to the world to be open and not compare. I will try my best.

I have a HUGE problem, Mariner. What do I do....what....after what I believe to be the best woman to ever walk the earth? I swear to the world to be open and not compare. I will try my best.
I feel your pain brother, trust me. She helped me get over one, and now another needs to come along.

Yep, I need another, soon.

I actually dunno a good singles place around OKC.
I'm traveling this week anyway.
Never had a one night stand but this'll be my first trip to Seattle w/o one I'm comitted to.

Please, Mr. Leon, I implore you, don't have a one night stand... In my opinion it will only make it hurt worse. I know lots of people say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else... but it can only end in more heartache (at least in my perspective). Time... it's the best thing. I don't think you will ever replace her, and I don't think that should/will. I hate to bring sappy ole movies into this, (especially since you are going there), but "sleepless in Seattle" mirrors my way of thinking sort of... You can/will love again. It won't be the same, because she won't be the same person. And, you are right to not compare them, it wouldn't be fair to either of them. I don't know how to "not" compare them... but, maybe since you are male it will be easier for you! It's evidence that you truly love this woman... (I think you were anti-church, but..). "Greater love have no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friend. (aj's paraphrse)" So, just know that I am slighty jealous (last time I was in love was a long time ago)... your love sounds beautiful and it's every girl's dream to be loved that way. But, I know that you hurt, and I'm sorry (for what it's worth). Have fun in Seattle, and if I knew where all the singles places where I'd let you know...:Smiley259

Leon, I'm glad that you are feeling better about things... you still have a long road to travel though and it's not going to be a breeze.. but I hope you know we care about you here as cheesy as that may sound, it's true.

Here's my opinion, take it or leave it.... you are going to have to force yourself to not glorify and make this ex a saint... it will only make it worse for you in trying to find a 'normal' girl to date. You will have to not compare the next one to this ex girlfriend because she will never stack up - and now you won't have the anger to help propel you through the grief process.

Sometime it helps when going through a break up to be brutally honest about the other person - I mean no one is perfect and it might help you to focus on some of her flaws in order for you to move on and meet someone else. If all you do is focus on her flawless beauty and perfect personality and wonderfulness ( is that a word?) you won't see the good in anyone else. Think about the things that you didn't always like, things that drove you crazy and try to keep her off of a pedestal in your mind.

But, we are all moving way ahead here - you need to heal before going out and starting anew. Give yourself a little time.

Osupa, thanks, I'll get by it, I know I will......I doubt highly a one night stand....Honestly, it's never happened for Leon anyway....I doubt it will now.

Karried, I understand, new people, new personalities. Do you think though a new love could accept that my last love left on a good note?.....That I have abosolutely no ill will towards her?.....Do you think a new love could allow any communication with the old one?....Birthday, Christmas cards?.....I wonder....it may take just as strong or stronger a love as I had. Should I tell the old one I will never talk to her again?.....I will always care for her....Maybe I need to ask her about it.....Now I see how telling someone to kiss off can be the easy way out.

Everybody, opinions?

Karried, BTW, I new her for four years, and the ONLY thing we did not agree on was that she liked multi-colored Christmas lights and I liked them all the same......until now, when one could say she was withholding from me.....but she WAS protecting me as long as she could....as painful as it was, it is solace now.

Hey Leon I would hope a new love would understand about an old one and understand too that it could end in a non negative way... I would think some communication between you two would be okay, too much might cause issues however. I don't think you should say you wouldn't ever talk to her again especially if you are pretty sure you will be talking to her... no need to start the new off with what could potentionally be seen as a lie. I think too the when a person talks to the previous love would be telling...like on a date with the new or if you two are spending the evening cooking dinner and watching movies and you end up yakking on the phone with the old g/friend....not such a good idea... I once was on a date with a guy when he answered his phone and spent a good 10-15 min. talking, quite happily, to the last girl he had dated, and they hadn't dated very long to begin with. I felt like I had completely disappeared. If we hadn't been in his car and on the road I proabably would have left. Oddly enough we didn't date very long, he was all wrapped up in the other girl, even though all she was doing was stringing his heart along on crazy going nowhere ride.

Guess my opinion would be some conversation with the previous love would be understandable and timing of the conversations would be respectful towards the new.

I wonder if we should start a support group for guys that were dumped and the dumper was too rude to tell us, or give us a reason.What do my fellow dumpee's think?

I think I could contribute.