Why was the musician arrested?

He got in treble.

Why was the musician arrested?

He got in treble.
*groan*

Speaking of music...

Q:Why do flute players leave their instruments on the dashboard?

A:So they can park in the handicap spaces.
:D :tiphat:

Hey now, I'm a flutist lol

A blonde college student decided she needed some new clothes but had no money. Thinking she could earn some by doing "handiwork," she went to an upscale neighborhood and knocked on the first door she came to. When a man came to the door she told him she needed money and was willing to work for it.

"Well," the man said, "let's see. Can you do painting?"

She said she certainly could, and he told her that his porch in the back needed painting and he would pay her to do that. Then he asked how much she would charge for the job. She went around to the back of the house and a minute later returned and told the man she would do it for $50. That was a bargain as far as he was concerned, so he told her where the painting materials were and she went to work.

About two hours later, she knocked on the door again. When the man answered, she said she was finished and had enough paint for two coats. The man gave her the $50 and, as she was leaving, she said, "By the way, sir, that's not a porch back there, it's a Lexus."

I knew I would feel stupid when I got the answer.

That just tells you where my mind is... alcohol.

I need a vacation on a tropical island with umbrella drinks.

Did everyone else get it or is it just me???


:stars:
I got it.

When I went to get gas, I saw this woman. I forgot her hair color. She had this tire valve coming out of her neck. So, she goes to the air station, takes the hose, attatches it to her neck, and presses the trigger. Her head grew larger, and larger. Finally, she stopped. I asked her a question, which she answered the opposite of what it should have been.

Humm. I guess that makes her an airhead.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble...


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"They're coming for Thanksgiving...and paying their own way."

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot and dropped the bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, the elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now Im going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Oklahoma. We settle small disagreements like with the "Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.


The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."




[I love this part....]





The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

Online Too Long
70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long


1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".

3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to
your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-
face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or
complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know
you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do
your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from
partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your
own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and
cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at
the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on
their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore
button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you
think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more
than a few hours.

35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online
before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome
screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by
hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer
instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and
lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n &
I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing
therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.

53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up
your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes &
fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really
bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else &
say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to
everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended
up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted
to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was
online".

Life of cows and bulls

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."


Painting this church

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, "Repaint and thin no more."


Actors picking parts

A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"

So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"

And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"

In preparation for the Super Bowl-

What type of nails go into football cleats?

Toenails!

Grandparents

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the do or, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."


My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "You know I can't read yet."

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered "it's too late grandpa, the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool even though she was worried what the child may have been told. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Kids responses to Relationships and Marriage
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

1975 vs 2007


1975 : Long hair
2007 : Longing for hair



1975: KEG
2007: EKG


1975 : Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux


1975 : Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm


1975 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1975 : Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage


1975 : Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM


1975 : Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint


1975 : Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones


1975 : Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office


1975 : Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system


1975 : Disco
2007: Costco


1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1975 : Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test


1975 : Whatever
2007 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering! machine


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald 's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."

The second floor sign reads:

"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."

The third floor sign reads:

"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help With Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a New Wives' store just across the street..........

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

One more:

Tarzan Not Know Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "

What did you do that for ?"

Tarzan replied, " Check for squirrel

Patrick,

I found that ebook you've been looking for: ebook (http://www.anal-bleaching.us/)

:calvin: :omg: :backtotop :eek:

I'm Tired of Working...

For a couple years now I 've been blaming this feeling on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 300 million. 167 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Patrick,

I found that ebook you've been looking for: ebook (http://www.anal-bleaching.us/)
Reading the link was enough for me. I'm not clicking it. :D

trust me mad I wished I did not click on it... lmao

they have sick senses of humor...EWWWWWWWWWW

Where did the colonal put his army?

In his sleevey!


I am so freaking hilarious.

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big ****ing deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my *****."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

A biker was riding along a California beach when the sky clouded and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.

The supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

"Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The biker thought about it and finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Cleaning Chickens

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"it ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy.
The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting
fears. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little
Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.
The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And
last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he
grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he
stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into
the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done
woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy.

Then we all looked on plumb helpless when old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.. He sat up and watched me all night long."
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Mad_Monk/Smileys/icon_lol.gif http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v291/Mad_Monk/Smileys/hysterical.gif

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.


THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING.


LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.


SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.


SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERWEAR AND CAREFULLY EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.


SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE & SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.


THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD..


ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.


SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER.


HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".


"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.

"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS, I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.

When Patty was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night.

As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36."Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.

This isn't really a joke, but I found it pretty funny. :D
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/basmic/Family%20planning%20advice.jpg

This isn't really a joke, but I found it pretty funny. :D
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/basmic/Family%20planning%20advice.jpg

For better or worse, that advice would indeed be quite effective in preventing pregnancies...


<rim shot> Thank you. Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. :tiphat:

HIGHBROW INSULTS

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends"
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring
a
friend... If you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... If there is
one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing
trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy"
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support
rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!

1975 vs 2007


1975 : Long hair
2007 : Longing for hair



1975: KEG
2007: EKG


1975 : Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux


1975 : Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm


1975 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1975 : Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage


1975 : Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM


1975 : Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new hip joint


1975 : Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones


1975 : Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office


1975 : Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system


1975 : Disco
2007: Costco


1975 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1975 : Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test


1975 : Whatever
2007 : Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering! machine


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald 's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...


I was born in 1987. At least half of the things you said are WRONG!

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, “Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s baseball up there.”

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed,” Moe, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Moe--Moe.”

Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Moe----it’s me, Joe.”

“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.

“Joe! Where are you?”

“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” says Moe.

“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” says Moe. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams!

So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?



A: Half way!

Is There Baseball in Heaven?

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."
And shortly after, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"
"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."

Is There Baseball in Heaven?

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him daily.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me a favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend for years........of course, I'll tell you."
And shortly after, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That's great, but what's the bad news?"
"Ahhh -- Sam, you're pitching next Tuesday."
This seemed so much funnier when madmonk posted it two post earlier @ #275

This seemed so much funnier when madmonk posted it two post earlier @ #275

But does madmonk have a family history of minor league baseball?

I invented pants.

But does madmonk have a family history of minor league baseball?

I invented pants.
No, but I did play little league ball. Therefore, you must all bow before my expertise.

Thanks for pants, by the way. :D

Just like a stupid baby liberal to say "thanks for pants". Stupid liberal.

Tim, you are so liberal.

http://www.okctalk.com/gallery/data/508/bumpersticker.jpg

:LolLolLol :LolLolLol

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr.. Jones, at your cervix."


**************************


In a Podiatrist's office:


"Time wounds all heels."


*****************! *********


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon


Yesterday's Meals on Wheels


**************************


On another Septic Tank Truck:


"We' re #1 in the #2 business"


**************************


At a Proctologist's door:


"To expedite your visit please back in."


**************************


On a Plumber's truck:


"We repair what your husband fixed."


**************************


On another Plumber's truck:


"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**************************


On a Church's Billboard:


"7 days without God makes one weak."


**************************


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :


"Invite us to your next blowout."


**************************


On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:


"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"


**************************


At a Towing company:


"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


**************************


On an Electrician's truck:


"Let us remove your shorts."


**************************


In a Nonsmoking Area:


"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


**************************


On a Maternity Room door:


"Push. Push. Push."


**************************


At an Optometrist's Office :


"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


**************************


On a Taxidermist's window:


"We really know our stuff."


**************************


On a Fence


"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"


**************************


At a Car Dealership:


"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


**************************


Outside a Muffler Shop:


"No appointment necessary We hear you coming."


**************************


In a Veterinarian's waiting room:


"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


**************************


At the Electric Company :


"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.


However, if you don't, you will be."


**************************


In a Restaurant window :


"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."


**************************


In the front yard of a Funeral Home :


"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


**************************


At a Propane Filling Station ,


"Thank heaven for little grills."


**************************


And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:


Best place in town to take a leak

Those are really, really funny, Keith!

SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School ( California ) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.






The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen
to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a
nice day!

If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.

Summer Olympics and Mexico

The President of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer
Olympics. He said, "Anyone who can climb, run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

Hang on to any of the new Oklahoma quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the Oklahoma quarter, which was designed by a team of specialists from OSU. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.


:tiphat: :tiphat: :tiphat:

What did the Budhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

What did the Budhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

??

??
Buddhists strive to "become one" with the universe, or something like that. ;)

Bringing this thread back to life!


It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.



"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"



I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement.



"Would the man on the woman's tee kindly back up to the men's tee."



I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, When once more, the Man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE?!?!"



I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back... "Would the S.O.B. with the microphone please keep quiet and let me play my second shot!"

Yep, been there done that. ;)

While leaving the hospital, a nurse's friend asks her if she'd like to try golfing with some of the other nurses that weekend. The weather forecast is nothing but sunshine, so she figures why not?

Well that Sunday, this group of nurses who'd never golfed before were bombing the hell out of the course. They were knocking balls EVERYWHERE. Inevitably, the nurse drills one, right towards a group of guys at the adjacent green. The unlucky victim keels over in pain, with his hands between his legs.

She runs over to the poor guy, completely overwhelmed with guilt. "I'm so sorry!!!" she exclaims. To the surprise of the growing crowd of observers, she decides to put her hand down his pants and starts gently massaging his testacles. "I'm a nurse and I can help you. Does that feel better?" she asks. He replies, "That feels GREAT... but my thumb still hurts!"

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the Fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play The ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the Caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play The ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

lol

Forgive me if this one's been posted. I'm just glad to see a joke thread on here.

What do you get when a Philipino and a Hollander (person from Holland) have a kid?

A Hollapino

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

to hide in a strawberry patch.

Q: why did the young canniball child get dentention

A: He was caught buttering up his teacher

Played a game of UNO with some of the Mexican guys at work the other day. Suckers kept taking all of the green cards.:doh: