Subject: Little Johnny


A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run..... she can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere..... on him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart

Not really a joke, but one of the funniest web sites I've come across:

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

What NOT To Do at a Job Interview

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:

1. ''... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.''

2. ''She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.''

3. ''A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.''

4. ''... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.''

5. ''... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve''

6. ''Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.''

7. ''Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.''

8. ''When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.''

9 . ''At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.''

10. ''... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.''

11. ''Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.''

12. ''While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.''

13. ''During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.''

14. ''A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: '''Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.''

15. ''His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.''

16. ''Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.''

17. ''... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.''

18. ''Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.''

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
>dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
>only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
>sister.
>
>She always wore mini-skirts,and generally was braless. She would regularly
>bend down when she
>was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private
>parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
>else.
>
>One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
>the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
>whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
>couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
>me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>
>Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
>going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
>just come up and get me."
>I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
>When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
>down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
>then turned and
>made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
>headed straight towards my car.
>Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
>clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me
>and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
>We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
>family."
>
>And the moral of this story is:


>Always keep your condoms in your car.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
>dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
>only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
>sister.
>
>She always wore mini-skirts,and generally was braless. She would regularly
>bend down when she
>was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private
>parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone
>else.
>
>One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check
>the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
>whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
>couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
>me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
>
>Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
>going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
>just come up and get me."
>I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
>When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
>down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
>then turned and
>made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and
>headed straight towards my car.
>Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
>clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me
>and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
>We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the
>family."
>
>And the moral of this story is:


>Always keep your condoms in your car.
Spewww...........I should not have had a mouthfull of coffee.
That is a priceless Joke Goddess..thanks for sharing it :)

Forgive me if you've seen this before. I received it by email this morning...


Restaurant spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Anderson Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons dropped per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that all the waiters had a string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly." Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is as observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon"!!!

.

LOL..guess I should bring my own spoons next time.

What NOT To Do at a Job Interview

A survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations asking for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants revealed the following low-lights:
1. ''... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.''

2. ''She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.''

3. ''A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.''

4. ''... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.''

5. ''... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve''

6. ''Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.''

7. ''Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.''

8. ''When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.''

9 . ''At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through his briefcase, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.''

10. ''... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.''

11. ''Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.''

12. ''While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.''

13. ''During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.''

14. ''A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: '''Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.''

15. ''His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.''

16. ''Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.''

17. ''... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.''

18. ''Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.''

Never Question A Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " Cause you're ugly."

This is how I like to sell computers.

(http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927)http://www.adcritic.com/interactive/view.php?id=5927

I just got this from my sister...hope I'm posting it right.
Classic comic clip...
copperclappers.wmv (http://us.f604.mail.yahoo.com/ym/ShowLetter?box=Inbox&MsgId=960_2185112_16495_2004_2182337_0_9855_289260 7_2464427118&bodyPart=2&tnef=&YY=83920&order=down&sort=date&pos=0&view=a&head=b&VScan=1&Idx=0)

Never Question A Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " Cause you're ugly."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favour if it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters,
explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20% pain transfer. The husband will still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.


The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor
to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

-

-

-

-

-

-

When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

Interesting

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died


Lesson Learned? The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

Oklahoma Beer Drinking Rules.

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

An Oklahoma boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice. "GO OKLAHOMA”

Oklahoma Beer Drinking Rules.

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

An Oklahoma boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice. "GO OKLAHOMA”
:woowoo: I would have to agree.

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
;)

CITY OF DETROIT HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ Crib _________________


1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by
shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his
hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more
Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans
of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Marvin be when he gets whacked?

CITY OF DETROIT HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ Crib _________________


1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by
shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his
hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more
Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans
of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Marvin be when he gets whacked?
Too funny, mariner.:LolLolLol

In The Garden

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" She asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" She asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" The little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon, but we're not having any of that crap in Texas.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
AAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! That was great!
Now you'll have to excuse me while I wipe off my monitor. :LolLolLol

TONGUE TWISTER


If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper,

and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker,

and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,

what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?







A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

Don’t you wish that some of the people around here would listen to this?

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it
did not happen.

If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine! gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME
WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops a! t work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

PROUD FARTERS:
These are people that will fart anywhere - anytime. If sitting they will
lean to one side or the other so they can squeeze the fart out. Stay away
from these people many times they will blame you for the farts. Many times
the people are proud of the loud noise, see Noisy Farters.

NOISY FARTERS:
These are people that are proud of the noise a fart makes. They attempted to make as much noise as possible by squeezing or grunting.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabout of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and try to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new ! entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA! OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the SurvivalGuide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

Joke Of The Day:
Marriage Secrets...

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...


Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.


We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?
"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

Some puns to ponder

Hope you like puns.........................



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass o! f Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
! ;
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has already fallen three times this week!"

To my hormonal (and not so hormonal) friends...

The hormone hostage knows there are days of the month when all a man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own
hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.


13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff...... ..And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect


Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a
good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but
chocolate sings.

Another thing to giggle about... My husband, not happy with my mood
swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
monitor
my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad
mood,
it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me
diamonds.

Subject: Little Red Riding Hood
> >
> > Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a
> > big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
> >
> >"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
> >
> > The wolf jumps up and runs away.
> >
> > Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
> > again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
> >
> > "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
> >
> > Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
> >
> > About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
> > wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
> >
> > "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
> >
> > With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
> > "Will you knock it off? I'm trying to poop

5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student. Shaking her head she said, "Well, I guess you'll have to write with your other hand."

I OWE MY PARENTS!!

1. My parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My parents taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My parents taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My parents taught me IRONY."Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.!
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My parents taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My parents taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My parents taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."

23. My parents taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My parents taught me WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Little Black Box


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years
whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4 wheel
drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words
of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh ****!"

Only Wisconsin and the Upper Peninsula of Michigan were different,where
89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try something".

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!

DANGEROUS -- What's for dinner?
SAFER -- Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST -- Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Are you wearing that?
SAFER -- Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST -- WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- What are you so worked up about?
SAFER -- Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST -- Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- Should you be eating that?
SAFER -- You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST -- Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS -- What did you do all day?
SAFER -- I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST -- I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE -- Here, have some more chocolate.

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
***************


Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that one
out of every four children born in the world was Chinese...
***************


Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power
outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four
hours.
****************


A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided
to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to
roll up the windows first."
****************

Perfect Password
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate
Point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password -
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
Shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly
Obvious to his wife that he was keying in...


P


E


N


I


S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH***

What is the conversation between the car salesman and an Okie?

Answer:

Car Salesman: Would you like a turning signal with that?

Okie: What's a turning signal?

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake instead of his rifle. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver." The doctor said, "My point exactly."

(Apologies if this one has already been shared. This thread is so long, I have trouble keeping track of all the jokes that have been told.)


WHY CONDOMS COME IN PACKAGES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk
by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?" To which the
man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are
there 3 in this package?" The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys,
ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for
college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO
for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the
married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."


.

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette urn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize ur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist arm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued sub-dood': like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

An elderly couple visit McDonalds. He orders one hamburger, one order of
french fries and one drink. The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and
carefully cuts it in half.

He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the
french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in
front of his wife.

He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down
between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them keep looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He
politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man says they are just fine - They are used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people notice the little old lady hasn't eaten a bite. She
sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally takes turns sipping the
drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for
them. This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything."

As the old man finishes and is wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the
young man again comes over to the little old lady who has yet to eat a
single bite of food and asks "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answers....
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
"The teeth."

i man walks into a clock shop and unzips his pants and puts his johnson on the counter. the woman at the counter lookes shocked and says, "sir please this is a clock shop." he answred back, " i know i was hoping to get two hands and a face on it."


a man was shopping with his girlfriend when he lost track of her. a girl was passing by and he asked, " i lost my girlfriend do you think you can stand here with me. she answers back " sure but i dont see how that will help with finding your girlfriend.
"oh dont worry" he replies, "every time i talk to a girl who looks like you, nice boobs, a cute face and pretty hair; she always appears out of nowhere.

The Spanish Computer

Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine:

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model

The women won.

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink. "The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS,because 'It really Satisfies.' " The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims,"FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!' And gives a wink! Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,"Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

This was written by a black guy in Texas and is so funny.
What a great sense of humor and creativity! )

When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.

You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red,
when you cold, you blue,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray.
So who you callin' colored folks ?

10 Reasons Not To Jog.

1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.

2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Except when I run with a cosmpolitan!

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has
a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office.

He's using it as a ceiling fan.

:tiphat:

Top Ten Signs The Police Chief Doesn't Like You
1) He refers to you as "our mascot".
2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
3) Your locker is also the broom closet.
4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject".
5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.
6) He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia. 10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

Top Ways to Fail A Driver's Test
1) Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2) Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
3) Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4) Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5) When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6) When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say, "Oops."
7) Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
8) After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
9) Fill your car with beer bottles.
10) The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
11) Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
12) In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13) When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
14) Beep your horn at everything. 15) Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

What to not say to the nice policeman:

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Computer Points to Ponder

1) Do Viruses ever get sick?
2) Do witches run spell checkers?
3) Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck?
4) How come programmers find it so easy to master the special language that runs
computers, yet those same folks who write the technical manuals for the rest of us have no grip on simple English?
5) How come the users can find all the computer bugs and not the programmers or analysts?
6) How do you press F1 when your PC has a keyboard error or no keyboard present?
7) If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
8) If Ignorance is Bliss, then why aren't there more happy Windows 98 users?
9) Is AOL so expensive because someone has to pay for those free disks?
10) Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key?
11) Why do most software developers call bugs they can't fix, features?
12) Just where is the "any" key anyway?
13) Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete?
14) Why do they call it a hard disk if its damaged with the slightest impact? 15) Why do we trust computers when they make as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 people working 20 years make?

Hotel Funnies
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"
The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a "Do Not Disturb" sign on it."

A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."
Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news". The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. "The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his belt in the bathroom right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."


Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

You know you're old when....

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building
.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You can eat dinner at 4:00

- You can live without sex but not without glasses.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge
.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You send money to PBS.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

>PREACHER AND HIS SON

> An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it
>was getting time the boy should give some thought to
>choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy
>didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't
>seem too concerned about it.

> One day, while the boy was away at school, his
>father decided to try an experiment. He went into the
>boy's room and placed on his study table three
>objects: >a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

> "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher
>said to himself, "and when he comes home from school
>this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If
>it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,
>and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the
>dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would
>be okay, too . But if he picks up the bottle, he's
>going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a
>shame that would be."

> The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his
>son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and
>headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed,
>and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
>objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
>walked over to inspect them.

> Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under
>his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it
>into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big
>drink.

> "Lord have mercy,"the old man whispered, "he's gonna
>be a Congressman!"

An elderly couple was relaxing on their back porch one day, enjoying a pleasant afternoon.

After a time, the husband turns to his wife and says, "I think I'd like some ice cream. Can I get you some?"

She replies, "No, no thanks."

"Are you sure? It's no trouble."

"Well, okay. I'll take a bit."

The husband then asks, "Would you like some whipped cream on top?"


Getting a bit peeved, the wife answers, "No, no, no, you'll forget about it anyway because you're making it too complicated. Just bring me the ice cream."

He tells her "No, I won't forget. I'll give you some whipped cream."

She sighs in exasperation, "Okay, fine, but you're gonna forget it!!"

"No I won't", he assures her.

"One last thing....how about a cherry on top!"

Now she's getting entire put out by the details when she didn't really want the ice cream in the first place. "NO! No cherry on top. YOU WILL FORGET ABOUT IT! Just bring me the ice cream!"

The husband assures her, "I promise, I won't forget about it. I'll bring you some ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

The elderly man disappears in the house...and is gone...and gone...and gone...and gone...

Four hours later, the man returns to his wife with a two plates of scrambled eggs and bacon.

The wife screams at him, "I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT..Your memory is so bad..I KNEW you'd mess it up!!!!"

Perplexed, he asks "What's wrong??"

She tells him, "YOU FORGOT THE TOAST!!"

-sd

^
that's pretty funny. ok... ok... i'll go.



there were three couples that were wanting to get into the baptist church, so they met with the pastor and he said to them, "that's wonderful, but we do have this requirement for new parishioners." he explained, ''you have to abstain from sex for two weeks. do you think you can do that?"

"ok. fine, we'll try.", they all said.

so... they came back two weeks later and the pastor turned to the first couple, an elderly couple, and he asked, "were you able to... you know... do what i asked?"

the couple said, "oh sure, no problem... it didn't bother us at all." the pastor said, "great, welcome to the baptist church."

then he turned to the second couple, a middle-aged couple and he asked, "were you able to... you know... abstain?"

they said, "well... the first week was pretty easy but the second week we had to be careful and sleep in separate beds... but yes, we got through the two weeks."

the pastor said, "fine, welcome to the baptist church."

then he turned to the third couple, a young couple and said, "were you able to..."

the husband interrupted and said, "well, actually reverend... the second day, my wife reached up for a lightbulb off the top shelf... and she dropped it... and she bent over to pick it up... and i could not help myself. we made love right there on the floor."

"WELL...", said the pastor, "you're certainly not welcome in the baptist church."

"i don't care.", the man said. "apparently we're not welcome in the grocery store, either."


-M (with apologies to garrison keillor)

WHY DOGS AND MEN ARE ALIKE (http://www.okctalk.com/)
1. Both keep moving...even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind.
5. Neither understands what you see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN (http://www.okctalk.com/)
1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch", they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to come inside.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN (http://www.okctalk.com/)
1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs like beer.
3. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
4. Dogs don't criticize.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs never expect gifts.
7. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had.
8. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
10. Dogs don't cry.
11. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
12. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
13. Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late - the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
14. Anyone can get a good looking dog.
15. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
16. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
17. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
18. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
19. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
20. A dog's parents never visit.

DOG PROPERTY LAWS (http://www.okctalk.com/)

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Subject: Princesses

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

Subject: *Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums*

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear right until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


Subject: Perks Of Being Over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Subject: Married For A Night

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own darn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted

Okay, here are a few more:

Definition of Eternity:

Four blondes driving four different cars, all meeting at an intersection with a four-way stop sign.

Getting a Ticket:

A blonde is driving around town in her sports car. She mindlessly starts enjoying the car's power too much, pushing the accelerator and racing past the speed limit. A female police officer starts in pursuit, pulls the car over, and walks up to the car.

"License, please," says the officer.

"License? What's that??" comes the confused reply, as she starts fumbling in her purse...

Now getting irritated, the officer says "It's that little flat thing with your picture on it."

Suddenly, the blonde pulls her compact out of her purse, opens it up, and hands it to the officer.

The officer takes the compact, looks into it, and gasps, "Well, honey, if I'd known you were a police officer, I'd never have pulled you over!!"

-------------------------------

Q: You know how to top a car?

A: Tep on the brake, toopid...

------------------------------

Definition of "mixed emotions":

Watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

-----------------------------

A new local pastor was making the visitation rounds in his small town when he came upon the home of a very pleasant elderly lady. She welcomed him into the house, and they began a nice conversation. After a time, the lady excused herself for a moment, whereupon the pastor noticed that it was approaching lunchtime, and he was getting hungry.

Not willing to interrupt the conversation merely to satisfy his lunch cravings, the pastor noticed a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. Without asking, he grabbed a handful and scarfed them down. He immediately felt guilty for not having asked first.

Upon the lady's return, she sat down, and the pastor couldn't contain himself. "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I have to tell you that I took a handful of your peanuts from the bowl without asking. That was very rude of me, and I'm sorry."

To which the lady replied, "That's ok, dear, I'm allergic to peanuts, so they're no good to me after I suck off all the chocolate....."

----------------------------------

An older lady was navigating through a congested parking lot, when she finally found a spot. Just as she was preparing to turn in to the space, a fast, slick sports car screams out of nowhere, cuts her off, and takes the space from her. Exiting the car is a young smart aleck, who sneers back at her and says "Young and fast, lady, young and fast," and he runs into the store.

A few minutes later, the guy exits the store, and to his shock he sees the elderly lady repeatedly backing up and smashing into his sports car over and over!!! Running to the remains of the car, he screams "What are you doing???" To which the old lady replied, "Old and slow, dear, old and slow."

-----------------------------

An old west wagon was traveling down a dusty trail, seemingly lost, when the driver comes upon a man with his ear to the ground. Fearing he was lost, the driver sought to ask directions.

Before he could inquire directions of the man, he noticed the man seemingly listening to the ground, saying "Fourteen horses. Cattle. Woman having baby in wagon...."

The driver, incredulous, asked the man, "Can you actually hear all that??"

The man answered, "No, they just ran over me 15 minutes ago."

---------------------------

A man ran a local saloon, and did a pretty brisk business in his old west town. But one day, he heard screams in the streets, and a few people rushed in screaming "BIG JAKE IS COMING!!!! BIG JAKE IS COMING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!"

Screaming led to more screaming, and more people urged the bartender to close down and run for his life. As he scrambled to shut down the saloon and get out of town, he heard this horrendous *CRASH* *CRASH* *CRASH* of huge footsteps coming down the street. "Oh, no! I'm too late!" he thought to himself....

Through the door comes this huge, hulking, smelly, mean, monstrous man. He stomps and crushes each table as he approaches the bar. He gets to the bar and screams "WHISKEY!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!"

The bartender, fearing for his life, quakingly poured a jigger of whiskey, and the man scarfs it down almost instantly.

"Do you want another?" the bartender asks..

To which the man replied, "Heavens, no; I don't have time. BIG JAKE IS COMING!!""

---------------------------------------

A restaurant had a slow day. One afternoon, the host is startled to see a big black and white panda bear ambling through the front door.

"May I help you?" asks the host?

"I'm hungry. I'd like some supper," replies the panda.

The host guides the bear to a table, and hands him a menu. After perusing it for a time, the panda sighs disappointedly and says, "Don't you have anything with bamboo in it?"

The host, not knowing what to think, says "Well, let me go talk to the owner and see what I can find."

The host goes back to the owner and tells him what the panda wants, and tells him "believe it or not, I actually have a few scraps of bamboo chutes we can cook up for him." So he took them to the cook, prepared them as best he could, and delivered it to the panda.

The bear was delighted, and munched down his supper happily. He then got up, and started to walk out of the restaurant.

"Excuse me, but you have to pay your check," warned the host.

"No I don't, I'm a panda. Look it up." replied the bear.

"Yes, you do!" replied the indignant host.

At that point, the panda pulled out a gun and proceeded to shoot the host.

The owner, hearing the commotion, runs to the floor and sees the host and the bear, and rages indignantly at the bear, "You can't just shoot people like that!"

"Yes, I can. I'm a panda. It's in the dictionary. Look it up," said the bear as he ambled out of sight.

Stunned by the events, the owner looks for a dictionary, and under the heading of "Panda" sees these words:

"Eats chutes and leaves" (say it out loud).

(aren't you glad you stayed for that one?)

--------------------------

-SoonerDave

a cowboy walked into a bar, dressed head-to-toe in paper. his shirt was made of paper. his pants were paper. his boots, his chaps, his hat, his vest... all paper. even his spurs were made out of tissue paper.

pretty soon, they arrested him for rustling.

-M