Agreed, sweetdaisy. It ignores history.

BOO!!! HISSSS!!!! That sucked, Intrepid!


:boff:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.


If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.

If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.

You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when.............

1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of
a deer next to your blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means Ohio.

16. A brat is something you eat.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

22. You drink pop and bake with soda.

23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.

24. You know what a Yooper is.

25. You think owning a Honda is Un American.

26. You know that UP is a place not a direction.

27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.

28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

29. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.

30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who
was also a blonde. The officer asked to see her driver's
license.

The blonde driver dug through her purse and was getting
progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she
finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your
picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,
looked at it and handed it to the policewoman saying "Here
it is".

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

The Laws of Work



If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done, and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will complete all your assigned work. If you're really good, you'll get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

For all the visitors, from other than Michigan,
coming to the Super Bowl in January.

1. First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It's
Deh-troit. NOT DEE-troit. If you pronounce it DEE-Troit then we will
assume you are from Toledo and here for the country Music hoe-down.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Detroit has its own
version of traffic rules... Hold on and pray!

3. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 am to 10:00 am. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 pm to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday
morning. Weekends are open game.

4. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended,
cussed out and possibly shot. If you're first off the starting line when
the light turns green, count to five before going across the
intersection. This will avoid getting in the way of cross-traffic who
just ran their yellow light to keep from getting shot.

5. Schoenherr can ONLY be properly pronounced by a native of the Detroit
metro area. That goes for Gratiot too.

6. Construction and renovation on I-94, I-96, I-75, I-275, I-375,
The Lodge and The Southfield Freeways are a way of life and forever.
Just deal with it.

7. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a
factory defect or they are
"out-of-towners"

8. All old men (or women) with white hair wearing a hat have total
right-of-way.

9. The minimum acceptable speed on I-696 and I-275 is 85 regardless of
the posted speeds. Anything less is considered downright SISSY. Oh,
and don't even think of allowing more than one car length between cars!

10. That attractive wrought iron on the windows and doors in Detroit is
NOT ornamental. DO NOT get out of your car to take pictures.

11. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that
says "Keep honking, I'm reloading", he/she is.

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone,
people are not waving because they are so friendly in Detroit. I would
suggest you duck.

13. I-275 and I-696 is our daily version of NASCAR.

14. It's not M-10, it's "the Lodge".

15. That's not a lake, it's a pothole.

16. If someone tells you it's on Outer Drive, you better hope you have a
map.

17. The Michigan left turn is simple. If you want to turn left, go a 1/4
of a mile past your turn, get to the left, then make a left, then
make another left, then make a right when you get back to the
intersection where you wanted to turn left in the first place. NOW
you have gone left.

18. And those 2 really ugly arches over Telegraph???? DON'T EVEN
ASK!! WE DON'T HAVE A CLUE!!!!!

Things we have learned from watching the Katrina news on TV during the last 21 days:

The hurricane only hit black family's property

New Orleans was devastated and no other city was affected by the hurricane

Mississippi is reported to have some trees blown down and some night spots damaged

New Orleans has no white people

The hurricane blew some limbs off trees in the yard of an Alabama resident

When you are hungry after a hurricane steal a big screen TV

The hurricane did 23 billion dollars in improvements to New Orleans: now the city is welfare, looters and gang free and they are now in your city.

White folks don't make good news stories

Don't give thanks to the thousands that came to help rescue you, instead bitch because the government hasn't given you a debit card yet

Only black family members got separated in the hurricane rescue efforts

Ignore warnings to evacuate and the white folks will come get you and give you money for being stupid

Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.

My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy"

message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

Q: Why is it you never see a dead crow on the road?
A: Because there is always another crow in a tree crying, "Kaw! Kaw!"

I love simple jokes

Q: Why is it you never see a dead crow on the road?
A: Because there is always another crow in a tree crying, "Kaw! Kaw!"

I love simple jokes

Were these Crows raised in Boston?

They are transplanted, Maryland to Okie Land

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been terrible. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't
tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're
cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look
just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me
confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed, Rich and Free!

How perfect that would be. :)

The many meanings of P-M-S>>>>1.Pass My Shotgun>>>>2.Psychotic Mood Shift>>>3.Perpetual Munching Spree>>>>4.Puffy Mid-Section>>>>5.People Make me Sick>>>>6.Provide Me with Sweets>>>7.Pardon My Sobbing>>>>8. Pimples May Surface>>>>9.Pass My Sweatpants>>>10.Pissy Mood Syndrome>>>>11.Plainly; Men Suck>>>>12.Pack My Stuff>>>>13.Potential Murder Suspect

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that

the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on

where she is in her menstrual cycle

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged

and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more

attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed

up his ass while he is on fire.

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that

the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on

where she is in her menstrual cycle

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged

and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more

attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed

up his ass while he is on fire.
LOL. You are right on target. It sounds like an error free study to me.

LOL. You are right on target. It sounds like an error free study to me.
LOL...makes ya wanna leave and go fishing for a few days every month huh?

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for." (Will Rogers)

Cure for the rough day.......


In case you had a rough day at work...here’s a stress management technique recommended by the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is they say it works.



1. Picture yourself by a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are it total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

This cracked me up.
http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/4707/alteredpoolbaby2dl.jpg

Due to hurricane Katrina, the floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dat my husband; I tole dat lazyass he gonna cut da grass today come hell or high water.

You might be in Education if ...

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.

4. When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child you do not know and correct their behavior.

5. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

6. You think people should be required to get a government permit to reproduce.

7. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".

8. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

9. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

10. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

11. You want to choke a person who says, "Oh, you must have such fun every day. This must be like playtime for you."

12. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

__________________________________________________ _________________________
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 3 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
__________________________________________________ _______________

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?

"Yes, I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

Clever Romantic Rhymes

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line . . . .



Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss

but I only slept with you, because I was pissed



I thought that I could love no other

Until, that is, I met your brother



Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.



Of loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face



Kind, intelligent, loving and hot

This describes everything you are not



I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don't take that paper bag off of your face



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-

man, I'm good at telling you lies!



My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:

Marrying you screwed up my life



I see your face when I am dreaming

That's why I always wake up screaming



My love you take my breath away

What have you stepped in to smell this way

************************************************** ************************


Indian Mating Season

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking in the woods all of a
sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when
Indian
men see cave, they call 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If
they
get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately,
there
was an answering "Wooooo!Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He
tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he
came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size
of
the huge opening, he was thinking, "Oh, man! Look at the size of this
cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really
big,
fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and
then
he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave,
tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

>>>Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so
>>>they
>>>
>>>went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation,
Boudreaux
>>>
>>>answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton
>>>
>>>panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified
>>>as
>>>
>>>unskilled labor, she gave him $150 a week unemployment pay.
>>>Thibodeaux
>>>
>>>was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel
>>>
>>>fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $300 a week.
When
>>>
>>>Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office
>>>to
>>>
>>>find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.
>>>The
>>>
>>>clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
>>>are
>>>
>>>skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic
on

>>>da
>>>
>>>panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and
>>>
>>>says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."
>>
>>

that was great! More members should come over and read some of this stuff. maybe it will make them lighten up and enjoy life.:yourock:

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex dr ive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------


__________________________________________________

FLAT TARR (PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND THIS.)



There was this fellow from East Tennessee who had a flat tire. He pulled

off on the side of the road,jumped out of his car, walked down the

hillside and picked a bunch

of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front

of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.



A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned

around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.



The man replied,"I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you breakdown they tell

you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did

understand it neither."



************************************************** **************************


Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded.


The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at
the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all
wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no
heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt
are interchangeable.



************************************************** **********

Dearest Redneck Daughter,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the hous! e numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and hot because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.

We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out! of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.

*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side.

The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.

*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

*People were spitting on the wrong side.
That was the best joke I have heard all year. Actually, I am not sure it is a joke. Yeah, it has to be a joke because she has no achievements to honor. I would spit on the wrong side too.

That was the best joke I have heard all year. Actually, I am not sure it is a joke. Yeah, it has to be a joke because she has no achievements to honor. I would spit on the wrong side too.
LOL....I thought it was pretty good also...are you sure you meant spit or something else that kinda rhymes with spit?

Guys how can you tell if you have the bird flu?

Your nuggets are swollen and your pecker hurts. :spin:

Guys how can you tell if you have the bird flu?

Your nuggets are swollen and your pecker hurts. :spin:
LMBO!!!!!!!!!!.......is that what my problem has been?

Guys how can you tell if you have the bird flu?

Your nuggets are swollen and your pecker hurts. :spin:
Oh, now that was bad.....

How about these?????

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, 'You graduated from University
of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus
14%, how much would you take off?"

"Everything, but my earrings."

(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)

> ================================================== ======

A group of Texas A & M friends went deer hunting and paired off in
twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"

> ================================================== ======
A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying,
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years
later than in the rest of the civilized world.

> ================================================== ======

The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number."

> ================================================== ======
NEWS FLASH! -

Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150
plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station
cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery
efforts.

> ================================================== ======
A Texas State trooper pulled over an Oklahoma pickup on I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

> ================================================== ======
A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind
it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put
flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it
either.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a
reflector on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there
sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

+70°F (21°C) and above
Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.

+60°F (16°C)
North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
People in Michigan plant gardens.

+50°F (10°C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Michigan sunbathe.

+40°F (4°C)
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

+32°F (0°C)
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

+20°F (-7°C)
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

+10°F (-12°C)
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0°F (-18°C)
People in Miami all die...
Michiganders lick the flagpole.

-20°F (-29°C)
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

-40°F (-40°C)
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

-60°F (- 51°C)
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-80°F (-62°C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
People in Michigan rent some videos.

-100°F (-73°C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

-297°F (-183°C)
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.

-460°F (-273°C)
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-500°F (-296°C)
Hell freezes over.
The Lions win the Super Bowl!

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Detroit Lions.

Q: What do the Detroit Lions and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a Detroit Lion out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Detroit in case of a tornado?
A: To Ford Field - they never get a touchdown there!

Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: What's the difference between the Detroit Lions and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Detroit Lions does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q: What do the Lions and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Doggie Winter Wonderland.

Dog tags ring, are you listening?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.

In the meadow Dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know that it's mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;

"Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as MY winter wonderland."

...-500°F (-296°C)
Hell freezes over.
The Lions win the Super Bowl!
Ain't this the truth!

Also, that's Hell as in Hades or the Underworld, not Hell, Michigan. :D

...Q: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief...

There's always E-Bay! (http://cgi.ebay.com/DAVE-MEGGETT-SUPER-BOWL-XXV-NFL-WORLD-CHAMPIONSHIP-RING_W0QQitemZ5068777332QQcategoryZ60125QQrdZ1QQcm dZViewItem)

Ain't this the truth!

Also, that's Hell as in Hades or the Underworld, not Hell, Michigan. :D
LOL...no kidding cuz Hell, Michigan is already under ice.

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Guts or Balls???
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with your friends, being assaulted by your spouse with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with your friends, smelling of perfume, aftershave and beer, slapping your spouse on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

That was funny!!:congrats:



NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

19. Your friends love you anyway.

2006 Lions SCHEDULE
September
14................Taft Junior High School
21................Cub Scout Troop #101
28................Detroit Blind Academy
October
05.................Spanish American War Vets
12................Crippled Children's Home
19................Appleton Mental Hospital
26................Girl Scout Troop # 353
November
02..................Michigan Venereal Disease Clinic
09.................Depere Boys Choir
16.................Korean Amputees
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME
December
08..................Sheboygan Gay Boys Club

** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - When playing polio patients, the Lions must not disconnect knee
braces.
2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Lions must not hide the
football under their jerseys.

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **
1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line
for all you Lion fans that have never seen this) it is still worth 6 points.
2 - The Lions will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.
3 - The Lions will be allowed to substitute with band members at
anytime.
4 - The Lions will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the
opposing team.
5 - The Lions will be awarded a first down with each gain of three
yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** NAME CHANGE **
The Detroit Lions will be changed to the "Detroit Tampons" as they are
only good for one period and have no second string.
** COACHING CHANGES **
Mooch will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a
few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the
men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report
to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line
of the men who were dominated by their wives was 10,000 miles long, and in
the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only
one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to
be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not
fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your
family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my
son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

"I don't know," the man replied. "My wife told me to stand here."

LOL...Keith

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.




20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.



OMG...to freakin funny

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.



When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.



At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

There is a new study out about women and how they feel
about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:

a.. 85% of women think their ass is too fat...
b.. 10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
c.. The other 5% say they don't care, they love him,
he's a good man, and
they would have married him anyway.

What is the difference between men and women?


1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

Keith...my hero

24 Bumper Stickers For Women

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.

22. ANOTHER DOPELESS HOPE FIEND

23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

All the more reason to stay single...LOL

test

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom


LESSON OF THE DAY ...
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

A Bottle Of Wine ............
>>>
>>> For all of us who are married, were married, wish
>>> you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
>>> is something to smile about the next time you open a
>>> bottle of wine:
>>>
>>> Sally was driving home from one of her business trips
>>> in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo
>>> woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip
>>> was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
>>> asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
>>>
>>> With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the
>>> car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to
>>> make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The
>>> old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
>>> everything she saw, studying every little detail,
>>> until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
>>> Sally..
>>>
>>> "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
>>>
>>> Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
>>> a bottle of wine; I got it for my husband."
>>>
>>> The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
>>> two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an
>>> elder, she said, "Good trade."

Makes you think......

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a
flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what
they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,"
said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few
bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked
away.

Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just
like a blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us
the length!"