Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to

change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else

In This house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know

That the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS

Before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they

wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been

in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by

some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair

They dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN

THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT

BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!

IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE

THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY

TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET

PAPER ROLL !! . . .

I'm sorry. What was the question?

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You described women to a freakin tee.

The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He

stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want

you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is

law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when

I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert

afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to

draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my

bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director.":LolLolLol


Next.............................................. ..........................................


A visiting minister during the prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began , "Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little
girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her
mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point.


And Finally........................................... ...............................



What is a Cat?

Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. :tweeted:
*****

What is a Dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They're tiny men in fur coats :rawr:

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples

Saving Her Butt
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

************************************************** **********

True Football Fan
Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".

I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."

************************************************** ***********
Nursing Home Chit Chat
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellphone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's.
He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.
As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in
half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each
had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set
that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife
sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man
decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal
for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she
replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth!"


************************************************** **************************
Exercising

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now & we don't know where she is!

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'tlost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he
would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner.

" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a
couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very
latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
orse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of
this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've
got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this
morning."

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.

-----------------

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

-----------------

FREE PUPPIES. . . PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.

-----------------

GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

-----------------

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT. . . BEEN OUT AWHILE. . . BETTER BE A REWARD.

-----------------

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE. . . ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

-----------------

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED. . . ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

-----------------

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.

-----------------

HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT! "

-----------------

GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

-----------------

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.

-----------------

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

-----------------

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

-----------------

OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.

-----------------

AND THE BEST ONE. . .

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.

45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1, 000. 00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Some of the artists from the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us codgers. This is good news for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes.

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Bobby Darin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"

Ringo Starr: "I Get by with a Little Help from my Depends"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It through the Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Lone Ranger and Tonto:

The Lone Ranger and his faithful Indian companion Tonto were in

the desert at night fall. After they set their tent up, both men fell

sound asleep. Some time later, Tonto woke the Lone Ranger and

said, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger pondered a few seconds and answered,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies,

and billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it tells me it is about three o'clock in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident that God is all-powerful and that we are

small and insignificant.
Meteo-rologically, it seem that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it tell you Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment. Then he said, "Kemo Sabe,

you dumber than buffalo dung. Someone stole our tent."

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme
with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line.


I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot.
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that bag from off your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes.
Dang, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

A brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts "Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously. "PIERRE, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

:D

TODAY'S Fast Forward: Things to Ponder

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these
terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on
these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare
that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those
people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration...

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN



Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.





Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.





The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?





Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.





Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.





Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.





Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.





Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.





At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.








Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!!

26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:


26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

>1. Yes = No

>2. No = No

>3. Maybe = No

>4. We need = I want..

>5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

>6 We need to talk = You're in trouble

>7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

>8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

>9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

>10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think

>about?

>

>MEN'S ENGLISH:

>1. I am hungry = I am hungry

>2. I a m sleepy = I am sleepy

>3. I am tired = I am tired

>4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

>5. I love you = Let's have sex now

>6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

>7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

>8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

>9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10.

>Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. I

>don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

>

>How to impress a woman:

>* Wine her,

>* Dine her;

>* Call her,

>* Hug her,

>* Support her,

>* Hold her,

>* Surprise her,

>* Compliment her,

>* Smile at her,

>* Listen to her,

>* Laugh with her,

>* Cry with her,

>* Romance her,

>* Encourage her,

>* Believe in her,

>* Pray with her,

>* Pray for her,

>* Cuddle with her,

>* Shop with her,

>* Give her jewelry,

>* Buy her flowers,

>* Hold her hand,

>* Write love letters to her,

>* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

>

>How to impress a man:

>*Show up naked

>*Bring chicken wings and coke

>*Don't block the TV

Pay Attention:

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, in medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that
you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking
on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told
them, the second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying S.O.B.! You've been playing golf!"

Vanilla Pudding Robbery:

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

1.WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4.WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5.WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMUUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6.WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our butts for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU' WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12.WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13.WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14.WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15.WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA



I ain't much for shopping,

Or for goin' into town

Except at cattle-shipping time,

I ain't too easily found.



But the day came when I had to go -

I left the kids with Ma.

But 'fore I left, she asked me,

"Would you pick me up a bra?"



So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"

How tough could that job be?

An' I bent down and kissed her

An' said, "I'll be back by three."



Well, I done the things I needed,

But I started to regret

Ever offering to buy that thing -

I worked me up a sweat.



I walked into the ladies shop

My hat pulled over my eyes,

I didn't want to take a chance

On bein' recognized.



I walked up to the sales clerk -

I didn't hem or haw -

I told that lady right straight out,

"I'm here to buy a bra."



From behind I heard some snickers,

So I turned around to see

Every woman in that store

Was a'gawkin' right at me!



"What kind would you be looking for?

Well, I just scratched my head.

I'd only seen one kind before,

"Thought bras was bras," I said.



She gave me a disgusted look,

"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.

Follow me," I heard her say,

Like a dog, I tagged along.



She took me down this alley

Where bras was on display.

I thought my jaw would hit the floor

When I saw that lingerie.



They had all these different styles

That I'd never seen before

I thought I'd go plumb crazy

'fore I left that women's store.



They had bras you wear for eighteen hours

And bras that cross your heart.

There was bras that lift and separate,

And that was just the start.



They had bras that made you feel

Like you ain't wearing one at all,

And bras that you can train in

When you start off when you're small.



Well, I finally made my mind up -

Picked a black and lacy one -

I told the lady, "Bag it up,"

And figured I was done.



But then she asked me for the size

I didn't hesitate

I knew that measurement by heart,

"A six-and-seven-eighths."



"Six and seven eighths you say?

That really isn't right."

"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -

I measured them last night!"



I thought that she'd go into shock,

Musta took her by surprise

When I told her that my wife's bust

Was the same as my hat size.



"That's what I used to measure with,

I figured it was fair,

But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."

This drew another stare.



By now a crowd had gathered

And they all was crackin' up

When the lady asked to see my hat,

To measure for the cup.



When she finally had it figured,

I gave the gal her pay.

Then I turned to leave the store,

Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."



My wife had heard the story

'fore I ever made it home.

She'd talked to fifteen women

Who called her on the phone.



She was still a-laughin'

But by then I didn't care.

Now she don't ask and I don't shop

For women's underwear.

Mom's Dictionary



a.. AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor -

to make love again.

b.. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

c.. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance

apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

d.. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the

strained carrots.

e.. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

f.. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even

though they're sure you're not raising them right.

g.. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

h.. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

i.. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do

everything we s ay.

j.. OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

k.. PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing

dry shoes into it.

l.. SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

m.. STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and

to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

n.. TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

o.. TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to

make those familiar grunting noises.

p.. VERBAL: able to whine in words.

q.. WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...

r.. WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the

laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

WHY?

>

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries

are getting weak?

>

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there

is not enough?

>

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion

stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

>

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

>

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

>

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

>

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you

throw a revolver at him?

>

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

>

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

>

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

>

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles

are always white?

>

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

>

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that

something new to eat will have materialized?

>

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their

vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it

down to give the vacuum one more chance?

>

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

>

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

>

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a

shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all

right?"

>

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling

off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

>

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer

when we complained about the heat?

>

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

>

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your

wife told you to do it?

>

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky

diving!

>

And saving the best for last.....

>

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is

suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best

friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Joan, a rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost
all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the
roof of her hotel.

It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which
received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the
first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could
see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the
tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she
heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof. Startled, she
didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on
her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton
doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."


"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated... "Have you been
following me around? And besides, what difference does it make
ANYWAY, since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me?
I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man,
"except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room
skylight."

Typical Conversations in South Florida:

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said:
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur.
Be careful.'"

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of beer
and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes
flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just
one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we
all left Wyoming, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of
my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it
there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in
turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs!

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes
back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns
and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains...

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and
obviously I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming.

He gave her that, "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen
her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and
apologized.

"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you
were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, What is the world coming to?
Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her
children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought,
but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you
the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had
wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second
grade teacher!"

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the overall winner:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond
formed between a little girl and some construction
workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a
difference when we give a child the gift of our
time...

A young family moved into a house, next door to
a vacant lot. One day
a construction crew turned up to start building a
house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old
daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind
of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there
to make her feel important. At the end of the first
week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and
suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was
equally impressed and asked the little girl how she
had come by her very own pay check at such a young
age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last
week with the crew building the house next door to
us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and
will you be working on the house again this week,
too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those
a**holes at Home Depot everdeliver the fu**ing sheet
rock!

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before
I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of
customers and said, "About 2 hours ." The guy left. A few days later
the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy
left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the
shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked
around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later,
Bill returned to the! shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked,

"So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in
his eyes and said, "Your house."

A priest wakes up on a beautiful Sunday morning. Not having taken a Sunday off in a long, long time, he calls one of the church elders to say that he's sick.

"Joe," he wheezes, "I just can't speak today. You'll have to cover for me while I stay home in bed," says the priest.

"Not a problem, Father," replies the elder.

The priest throws his golf bag in the trunk of his car and heads for the golf course, not realizing that Jesus and God are watching.

"Dad," says Jesus, "You're not going to let him get away with that, are you?"

God replies, "Not to worry, my son."

The priest addresses his ball up on the first tee box, swings and drives the ball - on the fly - 350 yards, straight into the cup!

Jesus, almost beside himself with incredulity, cries out, "Dad! I can't believe you just did that!!!," to which God responded...

"Who's he going to tell?"

Doctor Jokes

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
Prehistoric Times - "Here, eat this root."
0 ...."That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."


2000. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
*********************





A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

*********************



A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

*********************



The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

*********************



"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

*********************



A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Rednecks.......

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Virgil's house. They searched
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they burst open every piece
of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy"

Who Says Rednecks Aren't Real Bright?

Two elderly people are before a judge finalizing a divorce. The Judge asks their ages. The man says he is 95, the woman 90. The judge then asks how long they have been married. 75 years boasts the elderly man. The judge then asks how long they have had marital problems. She tells the judge "I've wanted to get rid of that old fart for 50 years." "Why has it taken so long for you to divorce," the Judge wonders. The man then says "we had to wait for the kids to die.":bow:

It's Tough Getting Old .... Annual Physical Time.....

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

************************************************** *************************
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

>>If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to:

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you?"

>5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

>6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

>7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

>8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

>9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

>10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

>11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

>12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

>13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into

the room.

>14. You sing along with elevator music.

>15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

>16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay

off.

>17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national

Weather service.

>18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't

Remember them either.

19.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20.You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are

>all in Big Print for your convenience.

Country songs that "could" have made #1 on the charts.





>#15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
> > >
> >#14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
> > >
> >#13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
> > >
> >#12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well.
> > >
> >#11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin'Better.
> > >
> >#10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
> > >
> >#9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
> > >
> >#8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
> > >
> >#7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By
> >Now.
> > >
> >#6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
> > >
> >#5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
> > >
> >#4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
> > >
> >#3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure.
> > >
> >#2. She's Lookin' Better After Every Beer.
> > >
> >And the Number One Favorite Country Song of 2004 is:
> > >
> >#1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up
> >With A Few.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got
two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and
says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that... get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them
out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan
overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that
there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What
have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the
bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan,
and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day, and the guard meets him
in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling
something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...
I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you
smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Next Time You Have a Bad Day, Recall That...





The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers
and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten
by a killer whale.
*
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly
with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
*
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu, he came down eight
hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his
girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been
cut off.
*
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she
whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm
in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to
his walkman.
*
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs,
all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two protestors to death.
*
And the capper.....
*
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was a bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
*
SOOOOO,.....have a nice day!

THE PHONE COMPANY
>
>
>
> An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her
> telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few
> occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the
> phone rang.
>
> The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
> psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
>
> He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
> subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
> moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the
> pole, the telephone repairman found:
>
> 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
> chain and collar.
>
> 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
>
> 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
> number was called.
>
> 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
> urinate on himself and the ground.
>
> 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
> ring.
>
> Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

The Lord and the Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,her thimble fell into the river.
When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "No"
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with Sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your Thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of all others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

Best Out of office office replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE PRIZE:

8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Phil'.

A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."

Man on the Beach

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said, "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been
fu---d?"

The fellow said, "No",

She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

This guy walks into a bar. He orders 5 shots of vodka. Bartender says to him, "Jeez buddy, what's the problem?"
Fella answers, 'Well, I found out today that my older brother is gay."
Bartender replies, "Jeez, that's some news."
The next day, the same guy walks back into the bar. He orders another 5 shots of vodka. So, the bartender asks him again, "What happened this time?"
The guy answers, "Well, I found out today that my younger brother is gay."
Bartender replies, "Jeez mac, that's some tough ****. Sorry to here that."
So the next day, the same guy comes in and orders another 5 shots of vodka. Bartender says to him, "Damn buddy, doesn't anyone in your family like women?"
The man says to him, "Yeah...my wife."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Oklahoma quarters.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U. S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Oklahoma quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

"We are recalling all the new Oklahoma quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, tollbooths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Oklahoma quarter, which was created by an OSU graduate, Shackleford said.

"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
> covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five
> years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders
> in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal
> accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash
> They were surprised to find in 43 of the 50 states the recorded last
> words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!" Only
> the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama,
> Louisiana and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final
> words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

A husband asks his wife what she wants for her birthday. "I don't care, as long as it goes zero to 200 in under a minute." He wraps a bathroom scale.

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$200.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about armored tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• Your belly usually hides your big hips.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

EVE'S *SIDE* OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is
wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you
have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches
and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt
that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that
you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will
fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle
breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
Eden. "Well, Eve how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic,"
she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the
animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's
see.....where did I put the useless boob?"

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, hey wait, I am a man.......

The Pond

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast. :lol2:

Why did the Redneck run out of gas?

He found gas $1.00 a gallon less in Dallas, and went to fill his tank... From Oklahoma City... Then drove back.:doh:

Oh,some of these are too funny.

PAPER VS SOAP

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.

When it came back there are still stains in her panties.

The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese laundryman that

says, "Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to

the laundry. "Use more soap on panties."

Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that

said, "Use more paper on butt." :boff:

As the Military Thinks

>> >Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
>> >encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.
>> >Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil.
>> >For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old
>> >SR-71operating base Kadena, Japan
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
>> >Crickmore (test pilot)
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
>> >submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably
>> >a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
>> >enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
>> >club."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
>> >If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot
>> >dies."
>> >"Never trade luck for skill."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
>> >are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
>> >pregnant."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to
>> >successfully complete the flight."
>> >-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in
>> >a row is prevarication."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
>> >there!"
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for
>> >the purpose of storing dead batteries."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to
>> >a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
>> >about it."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was
>> >forgotten."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will
>> >be held on a sunny day."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
>> >inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
>> >vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
>> >barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane
>> >to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
>> >-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into
>> >the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -
>> >Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
>> >near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
>> >appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
>> >It is much more difficult to fly there."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
>> >power to taxi to the terminal."
>> >------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> >As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having
>> >torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck
>> >arrives,the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The
>> >pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama today
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the
boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the
judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who
should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Oklahoma
State Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating
anyone.

BOO!!! HISSSS!!!! That sucked, Intrepid!

Actually, the original version is more accurate... The DALLAS Cowboys.