Ok, well I have a situation that I don't really know what to do with. I know I'm new on here and no one on here really "knows" me or anything about me really, so that may help in this situation and hopefully someone can either give me advice from an outside perspective or off of personal experiences.

When I was growing up in H.S. I had a good female friend. We'll just call her "F" to make things easier. We had become quite close over time, and as time progressed I started to become fond of her in more terms than friendship. I am the type of person that has to have a friendship of some sort with someone before I can even possibly have a relationship with someone. To be a true relationship begins with a friendship, and that is what a relationship is, a friendship taken to the next level in intimacy.

Well, "F" was always the kind of girl to have guys going after her ALL the time, and most of the time they were jerk offs and treated her like crap. I was always there for her, we were really close friends, but I could never tell her that I wanted more than friendship because I had seen so many guys come and go. I didn't want to risk just being another one of those guys, I was happy being her friend and being there for her. I didn't want to risk being another one of those jerks.

Well, she got into a pretty committed relationship with one of my friends and then she moved away for college. I had lost contact with her for probably 3 years at least. In that time that relationship had ended and she ended up being with a few more of the jerks out in the world. Well we caught up not too long ago on myspace and started talking again. I had missed talking to her and thought I may ask her how she was doing. It was just like old times, talking and catching up. It turns out that in her most previous relationship she has become pregnant. I am happy for her and everything, but the father is a real jack !!! from what she was saying and some events that had happened with him.

Well, I went back to my hometown and I decided that I'd give her a call and we could get together and catch up face to face. I was nervous, because here I was with this old crush of mine/friend and she never even knew about it, and I didn't want to seem like a moron and all, lol.

Well, we went out and got a sno cone and went out to the park a walked around and everything and it was just like old times, we caught back up, talked about old memories, the times when we were growing up. Told eachother about what had happened in out lives since we parted. We never really knew why we quit talking, it just did. It was a great time, then I came back to OKC.

Well, the next time I talked to her online she asked me a question I was completely not expecting. She asked me when we were younger if I used to like her, that she always had a feeling that I didn't, but she didn't want to seem strange in asking me. Of course I confessed, told her, and she asked why. I told her my reason(s) that I listed above. She told me that I am more than any of those guys ever were. I've been one of the best friends she could ever ask for, and I'm still here and they aren't.

So after talking for some time more, probably a few weeks off and on. She asked me another question. She asked me if I was wanting to try out the possibility of a relationship with her, or if I was just wanting a friendship again. I didn't honestly know what to say. I told her the honest truth though. I told her that we need to spend more time catching up and getting back to where we used to be before we could even humor that idea. That if we got back to that friend level where everything was great and we still wanted more, that it would be something that yes I would be interested in. I would honestly like to date her, with the possibility of something more.

My main thing is, I still wouldn't want to be one of those jerks. I'm 22, she's 23. We both know who we are a lot more than we did when we were younger. I don't know if I want to risk the friendship though. I know how some people say that just because you break up doesn't mean you still can't be friends, but I wouldn't want any of that weirdness in between us, because there has never been in the past and/or present.

Has anyone ever been in a situation like that, and did you take the chance? I'm confused...err, lol! Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

-Me

She became pregnant... is she still or does she have a baby now?

Not to sound cynical but do you think she might be trying to secure the future of her child by having you step up to the plate since the baby's father is a jerk?

Just something to think about. You sound extremely mature for 22. But still, that's very young to think lifetime commitment - once a child is involved, you can't be cavalier about it.. you can't 'try' it out without running the risk of hurting the woman and the child. Kids get attached.

Personally, I would steer clear of this relationship for a few reasons..

a) A whole set of problems with a long distance relationship, (if I'm reading it right )

b) She comes with a lot of baggage - a child and father you will have to deal with for the next 18 years

c) You most likely will have to step up to the plate financially if you decide to raise this child

d) You run the risk of losing a friendship...

I say stay friends, focus on yourself and meeting someone who you can start a life with.

Karried's answer was the woman's way of answering that question and in my opinion, was spot-on. Now I'll give you the man's way of answering.



Run.

You were in the "friend zone". You only get let out this zone if a) she wants something or b) she's drunk.

Either way, it's all good until she pukes on you.

No, she has not had the baby yet, due in Dec.

She is moving to OKC after she graduates to start to work. She's been in college for 5 years.

The whole securing a father figure thing, that had definitely crossed my mind, I just didn't want to sound like one of those cynical a$$holes out there. I wouldn't want to think that is what is going through her mind, but you never know what people are thinking anymore.

"Just something to think about. You sound extremely mature for 22. But still, that's very young to think lifetime commitment - once a child is involved, you can't be cavalier about it.. you can't 'try' it out without running the risk of hurting the woman and the child. Kids get attached"

Well thank you. Yes I do agree, it is young. I am a very spontaneous person and I have dated women in the past with children, and I do not mind the children, and I know that everyone has a past and I can not hold it against them because I could always be a single parent in the same situation. I chose not to overlook women due to their "parent" status because it is almost impossible to find a secure mid/early 20's female that doesn't have children. They either have children or they are so wild that I have even less interest in them.

My most 2 recent ex's both have had children, but the relationship(s) ended due to problems (i.e. one turned out to by a nympho, may not sound bad but yes it is, and the other was due to the fact I couldn't see myself with her, she was a great friend type of person, but not relationship for me)

If anyone knows any attractive 21-26 yr old females that know how to have fun, but aren't wild party animals w/o children you may send them my direction! lol

Since teen and young pregnancies seem to be the growing trend anymore, it definitely complicates a relationship off the get go.

not to be cold or anything, but unless you just want to instantly be a dad at 22 I would go along the lines of what Oh Gawd said

Don't listen to these folks. Kids, especially really young ones will be fine when their parents date. Those of us who grew up in nuclear families might not see it as normal.. but the only normal this kid knows is the life they're living. Plus, if y'all are dating after the kid's born, we're talking about an infant. I know those books say differently, but this kid isn't going to get attached to you. No way.

As far as the "friend zone," I agree to an extent, but the way I'm reading the tea leaves, I think she might have regarded you as more than a friend all that time.. all the while you were both too gutless to do anything about it. Now's your shot.

You can go back to being friends afterwards if it doesn't work. Over the long haul, y'all live in different towns now, run in different circles, etc. There's not much chance of this friendship ever really being what it was in highschool, so nothing to worry about there.

Give it a shot. It doesn't sound like there's much to lose. Just because she has a kid doesn't mean you have to be anything to that kid unless y'all decide that's what you want. You're just talking about dating. Marriage/cohabitation is a pretty far cry from that. There's also the possibility that the kid won't even be born. All of that is a possibility.. you could end up this kid's de facto dad. You could end up paying for this girl's lawyer in whatever upcoming custody fights and child support battles are looming. You don't have to decide now. You'll kick yourself if you make a decision here without knowing all the facts. If y'all really "click," then who knows? All that headache could be well worth it.

As far as the "friend zone," I agree to an extent, but the way I'm reading the tea leaves, I think she might have regarded you as more than a friend all that time.. all the while you were both too gutless to do anything about it. Now's your shot.


That's what I would like to believe....


"Give it a shot. It doesn't sound like there's much to lose. Just because she has a kid doesn't mean you have to be anything to that kid unless y'all decide that's what you want. You're just talking about dating. Marriage/cohabitation is a pretty far cry from that. There's also the possibility that the kid won't even be born. All of that is a possibility.. you could end up this kid's de facto dad. You could end up paying for this girl's lawyer in whatever upcoming custody fights and child support battles are looming. You don't have to decide now. You'll kick yourself if you make a decision here without knowing all the facts. If y'all really "click," then who knows? All that headache could be well worth it.[/QUOTE]"


What could just a few dates hurt just to see to humor the idea, cuz who knows, we could go out on a few dates and realize we were better off friends. This is true....

I believe once the chance comes around to take her out I am going to, but I'm not going to hold my breath with it. If/when it does happen, I'll just go with the flow a 'lil bit and see how things feel....

BUT does anyone know someone that has been in this situation in whole or part. Just someone who has been through the whole dating an old friend thing?

Just don't be afraid to make a move if the time comes. If you're truly interested in a relationship, just so long as you're not forceful or whatever about it, you'll be fine.

The worst that happens is that she rejects it.. and that doesn't necessarily kill a friendship. Thinks might be briefly awkward, but they can go back to normal in fairly short order.

The "friend zone" is a component of Ladder Theory. Hilarious site, btw. Like I suggested above, all you can do is make the jump and hope not to be kicked into the abyss.

Ladder Theory Master Page (http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html)

Just saying at 23 I didn't want any part of being a daddy...If the thought of it doesn't scare you off then I don't see any problems with giving it a try

Wife and I were just good friends for 5 or 6 years until we kind of shifted gears

Think the friends first routine is a solid foundation for long term relationships

Well, I don't really "want" to be a daddy, but I would push a possible relationship aside due to that single fact.

Since we have already both established that we are both interested, I don't think it would end up kicking me in that aspect. You never know though, could always kick me in the long run!

Don't do it.

No matter what she says, she's not in it for a "few dates" to see what happens. I've been dating since I was old enough to do so, I'm now 35, and I've never once met a single mom that dated for sport, which is what you appear to want to do.

So again, don't do it. It's disrespectful of her, and probably wouldn't end well for you either.

But I know you're going to do it anyway. ;)

Well, I wouldn't say I'm wanting to do it as a "sport." Yes, I do enjoy dating, but I enjoy it in the aspect of getting to know someone further than the friendship basis. I'm not the kind of guy to just date someone for the simple fact of dating someone.

excat, you need to move fast here. If she's due in December, any hawtness she has will quickly be replaced by a bulging belly, gassiness, and a hairlip.

-- the miracle of life really is beautiful.

Although I think Midtowner's advice is good and was similar to what I was thinking at first, Oh Gawd's advice is very practical when you consider the pregnancy. She's young, she's pregnant for the first time (I assume), and without a husband, she's probably a little scared - if not a lot scared. Maybe you could stay "just friends" until after the baby's here; let her get her footing first and get into a parenting rhythm (it takes a little while), then see if she's still interested. How she handles parenting a baby will tell you a lot about her character and motivations. I can't imagine wanting to start a new relationship while pregnant or after recently having a child, there just isn't time for that. If she's putting that as a priority over the child then I would be more than a little suspicious.

lol.. Mid.. you really know how to put things in perspective!

excat, you did ask for a personal account .. my husband's best friend was seeing a girl.. fell madly in love with her.. she became pregnant...Well, Best friend decides to do the right thing, asks her to marry him.. she agrees but wants to wait a bit so she moves in, he raises the baby for about 10 months, paying for everything, spending endless nights walking a colicky baby, but still embracing parenthood and loving this baby, grandparents fall in love with baby and help babysit and become strongly attached .. all seems moving along but friend starts to hear things that the baby might not be his.. he is devastated and asks for a paternity test.. lo and behold, baby is someone elses.

Mom tells him she is still in love with old flame and takes the baby away from the only 'daddy' and 'grandparents' that this one year old has ever known and moves to another state.

Hearts are broken and the loss is devastating...

I know it's not the same but the attachment to the baby is something you might experience and will have no recourse in the event mom wants to move on.

In my mind, the bottom line is that this relationship most likely won't be simple.. but if you feel it's worth it to pursue, then you have to follow your heart .. good luck to you.

In my mind, the bottom line is that this relationship most likely won't be simple.. but if you feel it's worth it to pursue, then you have to follow your heart .. good luck to you.

As for your friend, Karried, I wonder if he was tipped off when she didn't list him as the father on the kid's birth certificate. And if she did list him.. well, he could (and should!) go talk to a lawyer. I'm not for sure on that though.. I ain't had that class yet.

At any rate, as to the unsimple relationship.. what relationship ever is simple? You have to take folks as you find them. He (or she) who goes out there searching for the "perfect" relationship where there is never drama, etc. is going to end up single. We take our relationships as they come to us.

It ain't my life, but I'm saying go for it excat, the only way you'll ever know whether it'll work or not is if you give it a shot.

I'm sure that right now she needs you as a friend, could be more.. she's going to want some help through this ordeal. If you're not there for her, the message you send is that you're only going to be around when the going's easy. I know women -- they typically will churn a completely benign situation over and over in their heads until they convince themselves that everyone around them has truly malevolent motives. Or maybe I'm just scarred? Pay me no attention:tiphat:

-- she might even invite you to accompany her to birthing classes. Won't that be fun!?

This is starting to remind me of the movie Knocked Up ...

How so Karried? Are you saying that Excat and his friend are like the characters in that movie? One is the successful career person, the other is a screwup? That's not very nice.

Apologize to the nice man.

Well, she's a very attractive female, non the less even if she is preg

Yes, I am the type of friend that doesn't stray just because a situation is complicated.

Well, the potential for us to have a relationship isn't like within the next few days/weeks or anything. When we were talking, we were talking on a futuristic basis, maybe not in a month, maybe not two, but sometime down the road. It's been going through my head like crazy.

As for the movie Knocked Up, she went and saw it opening night. She loved it. lol, as least she hasn't lost her sense of humor!

How so Karried? Are you saying that Excat and his friend are like the characters in that movie?


lol.. sheesh! no! Just how the pregnancy developed and the reaction from the guy.. your gassy hairlip comments made me think of it!

Despite our trepidations...It's pretty obvious that you want to do this. And because of that, nothing we say to you is going to dissuade you from it. So do it. :D Stop talking about it and take the young lady out. Live and learn, and who knows...It may work out!

ummm...excat...no way. don't take offense to this, but you are too nice sometimes and a bit naive. she only knows what kind of guy you are and wants you in her life now to help with that kiddo. we'll talk about this more later...but i know you well enough to tell you that I agree with OGTS on this one...RUN!!

I'm going to have to go with my gut feeling on this one then, that came about right after that conversation happened. That was, DANGER DANGER!!!!

Probably be best just to stay in the friend zone. The more I read people(s) suggestions, the more it feeds me from different perspectives. If any of the above was true and happened, I'm not in the situation to deal with that kind of stuff, nor do I really have the want to add that into my lifestyle. Beings friends has worked for this long, so it can work longer. Now I can retreat back to that, I'd rather be friends than put the added drama into my life.


Not only that, but my lip should be the hairiest in the relationship!!!

Hey excat, being an excat is far better than being an ex-friend or even ex-father for that matter.

This situation is far too complicated to think through. Just go with the flow and keep on being the friend that she obviously needs right now or else she would be with the baby's father.

In this situation, being the Mom of 2 sons, ages 25 and 30, right now, never -married/no kids, I would tell my sons the same. Stay a Friend.

They enjoy their freedom while their peers enjoy every other week-end. They enjoy being able to buy what they want while their friends constantly are begrudged. They date whomever they choose and the date is over, their friends have to speculate over what date might interfere with their children. They pocket the $800.00 dollars they earn and their jerk daddy friends pay child support. They have been out with their friends (in friends autos) when they all had to make a mad dash to an emergency room so that jerk-daddy could check on the injuries of their children. They cared for the children of their spouses and after the divorce, their attachment became so great that they still provide for the other child, too, as well as their own. Jerk-daddies that they became.

Most all of their friends have been in situations, like you speak of, and they ended up being the "jerk father". The jerk of a father was not always a jerk or else she would not have gotten pregnant.

In this day and time, the cost of all of this is far too great upon a child. Friend chose to be a single Mom, let her walk that road, she can't walk it alone because jerk-daddy-o will always be in the picture. ALWAYS. She made a premature choice in cutting off jerk daddy. He is prolly stuck in a far worse situation of decisions right now, than you are.

She is toying with you because she has not even fulfilled her obligations to her own child. She owes it to this baby to allow his/her father be involved in their life. She needs to understand that she is committed to jerk daddy, now. She does not have the right to make that decision all on her own, now. This child has the right to have a Mother and a Father in it's life, no matter what they think of each other.

Imagine how you would feel if you were jerk daddy and not just friend.

Keep the friendship, nix the other idea.

Stay Free and uncomplicated!

Until you KNOW it is the right thing to do. (no one ever actually does, but if the love is there, so is the commitment)

You are far toooooooooooooo young to jump into someone else's bed.

You should be relieved. (especially that you are not jerk daddy) HA!

There are a lot of sweet young women in OKC for you to choose from. Take your time and enjoy the life in which you have been gifted with.

You sound like a very dear, valuable and trustful friend, and that is what she actually needs. Now and Forever.

Save the commitment for something further on down the road.

If you MUST take a dip in the water, then PLEASE take stock in GoodYear condoms.


Value your life and of those which you come into contact with!

Why are the lyrics to Hootchie Mama coming to mind???????

In somewhat of a defense to this girl, age 23, who is your friend, I would say that I am glad that she told you about her pregnancy, first and foremost. Blessings to her and her child.

You are a good friend, excat, now you have the opportunity to be an even greater friend by being a super UNCLE!

OkieKAS, you made some wonderful remarks. I like what you said, and it was all very sense-able. That is pretty much what I am basing my decision on, I would much rather be the friend that was always there rather than one of the jerks.

Oh, love the comment about the GoodYear condoms, lol, that was great!

Yes, I agree very much that I'm young, just the dating scene around here kind of sucks, that or since I'm new in town I really haven't found the places to be at to mingle.

Yes, I agree very much that I'm young, just the dating scene around here kind of sucks, that or since I'm new in town I really haven't found the places to be at to mingle.

eh?

I don't think that's really true. I've been off the market for some time though. Back when I was in college, for the rather fleeting amount of time I was single, opportunities were plentiful.

Well, share with me where you were going! I seem to have the knack of finding the women that are taken but aren't with their men. That's my kind of luck!

Well I can tell you that you missed a goldmine at Belle Isle last Wednesday night...They had a million dental students in there celebrating their graduation

Married...But umm...Wouldn't have a problem with any of them checking out my teeth

Single man's paradise...Beer and a crapload of dental hygenists!!!

Wednesday night is our Slick Willie's Pool Hall night. Monday/Thursday/Saturday is Belle Isle, Wednesday is Slicks, and Friday is the Loony Bin. That's about our weekly schedule. How often do you go to Belle?

Had a similar schedule 10 years ago

Old married fart now so it's only once a week w/ the guys

Normally rotate going to Louie's on the lake, Belle and Buffalo Wild Wings

We party all night long (Or until 9 or so when the boss calls me home) :fighting3

I think we need a pic to help you decide.:tiphat:



Just saying at 23 I didn't want any part of being a daddy...

I wit ya. I had lunch with the wife and nephews (3 and 18mo) today. It gave new urgency to the word "protection".

Oh yea...Knocked-up was hilarious...or F'ing hilarious, I should say.

Well I can tell you that you missed a goldmine at Belle Isle last Wednesday night...They had a million dental students in there celebrating their graduation

Married...But umm...Wouldn't have a problem with any of them checking out my teeth

Single man's paradise...Beer and a crapload of dental hygenists!!!

I'm thinking you need my number for when you run in to situations like this...You can call me in.

I'm thinking you need my number for when you run in to situations like this...You can call me in.

You ain't kidding

That place usually isn't swarming with the womens

Man I was just glad I had my lucky shirt on...The ladies were all over.....

The guys at the table next to us

You ain't kidding

That place usually isn't swarming with the womens

Man I was just glad I had my lucky shirt on...The ladies were all over.....

The guys at the table next to us

My lucky shirt is a lovely black and gray number with pearl snaps and trucker girls on either side.

It gets me the blue hair wimmins. (http://members.cox.net/imawingnut/ny2.jpg)

lol, I don't have a lucky shirt I don't believe. I have some favorite shirts...

My lucky shirt is a lovely black and gray number with pearl snaps and trucker girls on either side.

It gets me the blue hair wimmins. (http://members.cox.net/imawingnut/ny2.jpg)

That shirt rocks. You da man. Texas girls love pearl snaps.

That shirt rocks. You da man. Texas girls love pearl snaps.

That's funny...That pic was taken in a bar on New Years in Dallas :D